How do you let go?

True or False?

• I think of my former love partner often.
• I fantasize about being with my former love partner.
• I find excuses to talk to my former love partner.
• I talk about my former love partner often to others.
• I am angry with my former love partner.
• I still try to please my former love partner.
• I still have an emotional commitment to my former love partner.
• I still think my former partner and I will get back together.
• I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way. [1]

So tell me…How do you let go? How do you let go of Love? Is it ever possible to simple move on and never look back? Never reminisce about the incredible moments and experiences you shared? Can someone simply close a chapter of true love in their lives and just open up to a new chapter?

Is it generally easier, if you are the one walking away from a relationship? That may be the case, but what if a glimmer of hope still exists in your heart, in your mind? If you are on the other side of the equation, the brokenhearted one, things can be tremendously difficult for you. You may have an overwhelming feeling of never wanting to love another person again for fear of getting your heart broken yet again. What if you were dumped but are not sure that it is still over? You fear moving on because of the possibility (which may solely exist in your mind), that your ex will realize what he/she has done and come back to you.

In order to move on, you may need to take a step back and examine what may have been fundamentally broken in your relationship. Thoroughly analyze the negative aspects of the relationship that may have led to the break-up. Something must have been wrong in order to lead to this separation. Be honest with yourself about the extent to which the other person was really meeting your needs.
• Were they emotionally deficient?
• Were they at your level in terms of intimacy? Intellect? Financial goals? Career goals and aspirations?
• Was this person limiting you by giving you barriers as to what you could/could not do on a regular basis?
• Were their family members people you could get along with in the long run?
• Was this person family oriented? Or did they lead a single-person life?
• Did you get the feeling that they could be cheating or are capable of doing so in the future?

“Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he/she was.”[2] Did your partner change over time? The best indicator of future behavior is to look at the past. It’s difficult, if not impossible for people to change so if your ex changed for the worse, walk away and don’t look back. ”Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. As long you are obsessed on this [person], you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together. 
 Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?” [2]

Don’t look through old pictures or home videos and don’t wallow in self-pity while listening to sad love songs that remind you of him/her. Try to cut off all communication to reduce the temptation to start something up again, especially if you are the one being dumped.

Some of us lose our own identity while in a relationship. Get to know who you are and who you were before this person entered (and exited) your life. Some activities you can participate in to reinvigorate yourself, include but are not limited to the following: take classes, make new friends or hang out with old friends with which you may have lost touch, start a hobby or get back into an old hobby and/or volunteer at a local organization.

Try not to generalize and understand that the next person that enters your life is not your Ex. Give them a fair chance and learn to trust again. Even though a new person may not have some or all of the great qualities you thought your ex had, this new person may have a lot of qualities you wish your Ex would have had. Lastly, remember “Que sera, sera.” If you are meant to be (as a couple), you will be. Best of luck!

Resources: [1] http://www.positive-way.com/letting_go_of_a_past_relationshi.htm [2] http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/172


“Dime” by Ivy Queen



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y8EW7YBuiA

When a Man Loves a Woman

"When a Man Loves a Woman" by Michael Bolton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u2_GQlwxbI


I believe that women generally give of themselves more freely than men. I think it is an innate, motherly behavior that most women are simply born with. Men, however take a little longer to be able to freely express their emotions. "I love you" are very difficult words for most men to utter, let alone believe they actually love the person they are with. The wisest ladies in my life (namely my mother and grandmother) have told me that when a man loves a women, he is willing to lay down his life for her. They say that a man would do anything for his lady if he truly loves her. He becomes blinded to all of her imperfections and is willing to give her his all.

Love is a beautiful thing and when it is openly and freely expressed towards another human being, it is almost magical. When two people join and start experiencing their lives together and growing as one, as long as they both work on that unity, they could accomplish anything. It is beautiful to see the miracles that take place in a loving household. Everyone is genuinely happy and working towards the same goals.

May all of the families in this world be blessed this Holiday Season and I wish that 2009 brings every family health, happiness, success, prosperity and unconditional love. Merry Christmas everyone!

"My Marriage is a Fake Fendi."

"My Marriage is a Fake Fendi. (We) look like the perfect couple from the outside, but on the inside it’s all fake; it’s not special. He can't even get it up." -Charlotte {Sex and The City Season 3, Episode 44 "Sex and Another City"}

From an outsiders perspective your relationship looks like the ideal bond.
*You and your partner are always hugging, kissing, holding hands, smiling, etc.
*Your pictures look like a family portrait most would only dream of having.
*Your outfits are always perfectly coordinated.
*If you have children, they seem like the most well-behaved, intelligent bunch of little angels.
*Your relationship is the perfect IPO (Initial Public Offering) all investors are waiting to jump on. Assets...check. Return on Investment...check. All ratios in line with or better than the competition...double check.

However, when you sit and analyze your relationship from an insider’s point of view, you begin to notice that "Fraudulent" or “Scandal” do not even sound like adequate words to describe the true status of affairs. Cheating, lying, stealing, lack of intimacy behind closed doors, physical and/or verbal abuse among other negative activities may have taken place in your relationship. Or maybe none of these things have happened, yet there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture, yet you hide it all too well.

You think: why start over in a new relationship, when you have been together for so long? Why break up a happy home and expose your children to the heart-wrenching effects of separation or divorce? Why have everyone around you bad mouth you and your partner when everyone thinks that everything is just great?! Oh and God forbid you have to change your status on Myspace, Facebook, hi5 and the sixteen other online accounts you both have!! All of your friends and family will inevitably comment on how they had no idea something was wrong and/or how they think you two make the best couple and that everything is bound to work out!!

The easiest way out may seem to be to suck it up and walk with your head high and strut your fake Fendi, until it falls apart or you decide to get a new one. Don't disturb the peace or stir the calm waters. I hate to break it to you, but playing make-believe may not always be the solution. As tedious a task as it may seem, consider the positive and negative aspects of your relationship by actually listing them out (on paper). Do the Pros weigh the Cons? Or vice versa? Have you noticed that the list of negatives has been increasing over time? If so, do you think life would be easier if you happen to find someone else to build a (real) life with? Are there things you could change within yourself to better the situation? Have you ever even discussed the underlying troubles your partnership is facing? At the end of the day, consider all aspects of what you are experiencing. Is a real Fendi THAT much better than the one sold on the street for one-fourth the price?

Additional Readings: "The Grass is always greener on the other side" Posted October 24, 2008

Holiday Blues...

Awww how adorable!?! You notice a couple stop right in front of you to take cutesy kissy pictures. Oh and there is another one hugging to keep warm as they wait to cross the street! But there is more, you can’t miss that couple over there holding hands and skipping!!! Everyone around you is smiling, laughing, cheerful. You, however, walk around the city feeling empty, gloomy and alone. When you get home, an overwhelming chill fills your entire being as cold air seeps through your window pain while soft snow flakes cover the ground just outside.

Winter has arrived and the Holidays are upon us. Whether you are short, tall, skinny, or pleasantly plump, married, single, divorced, widowed or separated, you’ve got to experience the Holidays. Now, the experiences will be different for everyone in these ‘categories.’ For some: ‘tis the season to be Jolly; for others: the Holiday season can be a time of great depression, so we must ensure that our minds are ready for what could potentially be a bumpy ride.

How do the holidays affect people in healthy relationships or not-so-healthy relationships? How about the people that are not in relationships, or just finished ending a short/long-term love affair? Is it worth-while to fake the happiness if you are feeling a little blue after just having gone through a separation or divorce? For those of you in a relationship, has the stress of the Holidays and the state of the economy (the recession/depression) brought you down to an all time low?

The “Law of Attraction” (Watch/read "The Secret") states that ‘what you think about, you bring about,’ so maybe ‘acting’ as if you are happy may in fact bring about this happiness you are calling into your life. Even though watching a movie alone, while sipping on hot chocolate in a cold, lonely room might not sound appealing, maybe thinking about it in a positive light will help matters. Think about it this way, it could be worse! There are plenty of married/dating couples that are in negative or abusive relationships and the stress of the Holidays does not help their situations. Your current state of singless-ness may not be that bad after all!

Some people think about how holidays were in the past when so and so was around, or when they used to participate in this or that activity. It may be beneficial to stop dwelling on the past and think about all of the positive aspects of the current Holiday season. Do not let the pressures of spending time with allll of your family members and buying gifts for everyone at home and work, get you down. Set realistic goals for your self in terms of who you could spend time with and budget wisely to reduce financial stress. To take the focus off of your situation (whatever it may be), you could try to volunteer for an organization with needy children and/or adults. This may help you appreciate all of the positive aspects of your life. Also, try not to abuse of alcohol or drugs to mask your sadness. It may only hurt in the long run.

Happy Holidays to you all and may 2009 bring you continuous joy in all of your relationships.

Resource: http://www.umm.edu/features/holiday_blues.htm

Keeping the Peace: Restoring Financial Harmony to Your Relationships

Money: It's one of the top three causes of conflict in relationships. Whether it's husbands and wives, parents and their children, friends or business partners, it's a subject that can drive a debilitating wedge between two people who otherwise are perfectly in tune with each other.

To keep the peace in your relationship, follow the three C's of financial harmony:

Communicate: Start by talking about your individual money styles. What do you like about the other person's attitudes toward money? What parts of their money personality don't you like? What results do you fear? You might tell an overspender that you like his spontaneity and generosity, but you fear he will neglect important financial goals unless he sticks to a budget.

Compromise: Having expressed your concerns about current behavior, discuss the facts surrounding the situation. What are each partner's goals? Start moving toward the middle, with each person making certain concessions that bring the team closer together. For example, a parent worried about her son's inattention to saving might require that a certain percentage of his income from a part-time job go into a college fund, allowing him to spend the remainder freely.

Commit: In the interest of saving an otherwise good relationship, you may have to change the way you have been doing things. Change is not easy—it takes commitment. You may even want to separate finances completely. If there are good reasons to keep some of your money together, make arrangements that require both partners' approval before money is withdrawn or keep the balances low enough that one person's indiscretion won't damage your overall financial health or the health of your relationship.

Balance Financial Fitness Program. (2005). Keeping the peace: Restoring financial harmony to your relationships. Retrieved October 22, 2008, from http://www.balancepro.net

Some additional tips..

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

Dating 101: How to Say "I Love You" Without Uttering a Word

Here are eight ways you can let your mate know you love them without verbalizing it:

1. Stop off on your way home from work
2. Throw that secret look
3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket
4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit
5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books
6. Do a good deed for your partner
7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it
8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day

It is very easy to take advantage of your mate; we all do it, but when you are in a committed relationship, it is important to make an effort to continue to let your mate know (on a regular basis) that you love them. Sadly, saying "I love you" the same old way eventually loses its meaning or impact.

I know couples who do the same routine every day -- dress, shower, pack the briefcase and head out the door -- with a "love you" as they give their mate a peck on the cheek. But that gets old and stale. Finding new ways to express that sentiment is key to not only keeping your relationship intact but strengthening your bond in a very deep way. In my book, "Divorce: It's All About Control -- How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars," I talk about loss of love or intimacy. You need intimacy to keep a committed relationship healthy. Without expressing those feelings continuously, intimacy will dissipate and you and/or your partner will begin to look for it elsewhere.

A little creativity and going the extra mile in the "I love you" department will pay huge dividends in your relationship, so if you are not already saying "I love you" in different ways, start now.

1. Stop off on your way home from work: Pick up your sweetheart's favorite "thing." Maybe it's a special flavor of Haagen-Dazs, the pizza with that wacky assortment of toppings, a new book by his/her favorite author, a CD he/she has mentioned wanting to get, a t-shirt with her/his (or as a couple your) favorite sayings on it. How about the laundry he/she keeps forgetting to pick up. Do not make a big deal of this little "love token" by some grand verbal announcement of it, instead leave it somewhere in the house where he/she will soon find it.

2. Throw that secret look: Send a smile or smirk that only the two of you understand. No words need to accompany it. Maybe it is a wink or nod or other signal the two of you have established that means, "I love you." Sending it to your lover when it is most unexpected, gesticulates tremendous warmth and affection. In all its silence, this beacon of love can end an argument, set up a soon-to-be intimate encounter or just remind your partner you are thinking special thoughts about them right in the middle of, well, nothing in particular.

3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket: Though it may be days or weeks before he/she finds and sees it. No need to ask, "Did you get my note?" Just let your mate come upon it randomly. Whenar mate does, the impact will be stupendous!

4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit: Make an obvious effort to stop doing it. That could include picking up your dirty socks to cleaning the empty coffee cups off the center console of the car to tossing your gum in the trash when you have the urge to smack it. Do not say, "See, I'm working on that." Your actions will speak for themselves.

5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books: Send one that has a message in it that only the two of you would get -- an affectionate or humorous one -- that reminds them you would not want to belong to anyone else. Shhh, do not mention it. By sending it, you have said it all.

6. Do a good deed for your partner: One they know you typically avoid taking on and expect them to do instead. This might be taking out the trash, cleaning up after dinner, making the kids' lunches, running to the grocery store, etc. Knowing that you did the chore or task he/she knows you generally dislike can speak volumes of how you feel about him/her.

7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it: Whether it is on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, inside the checkbook or day planner or on their dashboard. Next to it, write, "Best day of my life." No need to say "I love you," you just did.

8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day: Not as a request for intimacy, but as a gesture of warmth and respect. A slight and tender stroke across his/her shoulder or a few soft fingertips across the cheek can speak loudly and clearly.

It's time for you to make your list. When you can, add to it. Be creative. No matter how spectacular you currently believe your relationship to be, notice how much more rich it becomes.

By Stacy D. Phillips www.hitchedmag.com Updated: Dec 8, 2008

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24164/dating-101-how-to-say-i-love-you-without-uttering-a-word

Jealousy & Paranoia: Relationship Killers

“Paranoid” by Kanye West


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irBP5FnksKc


"It was one of the most humiliating and painful events of her life, but it wasn't the first time she was the victim of her husband's intense jealousy & paranoia. It was his family event, but because he had to work, the wife took their three sons to his parents' home for the barbeque. As she was standing talking to his brother, her husband arrived, walked up behind her, whirled her around and punched her in the face-- breaking her nose, splattering blood down the front of her cute summer outfit. He then accused her of sleeping with his brother.

Jealousy and paranoia are both 'rooted in fear', says Dr. Ronn Elmore, a relationship therapist, ordained minister and author. He says jealousy starts when 'our head starts talking to us, making us suspicious.' Paranoia kicks in when we are no longer questioning whether a suspicion is true. We've concluded that it's true and are considering aggressively acting on these suspicions.

'You can't let someone's insecurities become your shortcoming. Rejection coupled with anger and rage will become a very toxic situation.' -Chicago-based psychologist Dr. George Smith. He says men sometimes view women as property. 'They sometimes feel they've put down earnest money they are making the payments and even though the relationship is in foreclosure, they still claim ownership,' he says. Relationship experts suggest that you put your own jealousy and paranoia in check. First realize that it's often an 'inside job.'

Jealousy and paranoia are often rooted in a fear of abandonment or other issues, which may require long term therapy. And, finally, maintain your dignity by behaving with the utmost self-respect. If you have a problem with these emotions, it probably is not the first time, Elmore says. 'If you've been accused of this by two different people who don't know each other, perhaps its time that you consider that you are the problem and [you should] try to change. And change is always difficult.'"

{Ebony Magazine Article by Joy T. Bennett (November '08 Issue-page 148}

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15 (Relationship) Detox Tips

15 (Relationship) Detox Tips from "Detoxify Yourself: 101 Tips to Remove the Poison from Your Body and Your Life"


Stop gossiping: Always thinking and spreading nasty thoughts about others brings your own mood and self-confidence down.

Have sex: Having sex can give you energy, help you sleep better, reduces cholesterol, reduces stress, increases the flow of oxygen to your brain, and can even be a natural pain reliever.

Close or increase privacy settings on your online dating profile: Online dating companies can be extremely beneficial to some individuals, but posting photos and information about yourself online can attract unsavory characters who badger you with inappropriate messages.

Volunteer: Increase your social circle by volunteering. Doing something for the good of others is also a selfless act that is good for your conscience.

Reconcile with family and friends: Don’t let a grudge or a fight with friends affect your conscience or your mood. Reconcile with estranged family members and friends to give your social life a detox.

Stay in: If you’re always going out with friends, take a night to yourself and stay in. You can give your mind and body a rest from all of the external stimulations and social pressures by relaxing at home.

Go out: On the other hand, if you’re always at home, try to go out every once in a while and be social with the community around you. Even if you aren’t out for an organized event with friends, opening yourself up to spending time with other human beings can help you feel more relaxed.

Learn to tune out: Tuning out gossipy friends, media messages and moody strangers will keep your mood elevated and your mind free from worry about everything going around you that you can’t control anyway.

Separate yourself from the pack: Don’t go along with everything everyone else is doing just because they say so. Separate yourself from the pack by doing what makes you feel right and the things that honors your life choices and long term goals.

Ignore "nasty people": The Random Hitz blog maintains that "nasty people drain productivity in the workplace," so try to tune out competitive co-workers, backstabbers and the office gossip to stay focused and keep your energy high.

Counseling: Talk to a counselor or psychologist regularly so that you can hear yourself work through your problems. Setting aside an hour each week also ensures that you make you time to address your feelings, instead of burying them until they manifest in an unhealthy way.

Be social: Getting out with friends or even going to a coffee shop will make you feel more connected to the community around you and can distract you from your own problems for a while.

Open up: Share your thoughts, goals and feelings with a friend or family member to purge yourself of anxiety, self-doubt, or any other negative emotions.

Cut back on communication: Don’t isolate yourself, but minimize the different communication platforms like Twitter, e-mail, Facebook and VoIP that you check each day to eliminate extra junk mail, distractions on welcome pages and useless messages.

Promiscuity: This bad habit increases your chances of catching an STD and feeling emotionally dragged down.


http://www.nursingschoolsearch.com/blog/2008/07/detoxify-yourself-101-tips-to-remove-the-poison-from-your-body-and-your-life/

Sex Before Marriage...?

Fitting rooms exist to try on clothes before you buy them. You definitely should try on shoes before buying them (and for women, it’s advisable to try them on at the end of the day when their feet are most swollen). You should see pictures of a contractors work, get a friend or family members opinion or visit previous job sites before contracting them to do work for you. Some of you may have appetizers to taste the chef’s food before ordering the main course. Before purchasing or reading a book, we may read an excerpt, the back of the book or a review. Companies usually go through a test phase before implementing a new system. Most stores give you a thirty-day trial period for clothing, electronics, and other material items before deciding whether or not we would like to return the item(s). Most people usually test drive a car before just signing on the dotted line and purchasing or leasing a new or used vehicle. Some schools even allow potential students to audit a class before paying for and signing up for an entire semester.

All of these scenarios are examples where we TEST something before we COMMIT. Our society is almost accustomed to being able to try something out before investing money, time, effort, etc. When comparing this to our intimate lives, it is usually the same deal. We date numerous individuals before we consider someone our boyfriend/girlfriend. We then have a steady (usually monogamous) relationship before we become engaged and consider our significant other our Fiancé. Then that usually happens for a while before we progress into married life. The “trial period” is then officially over (although some people still consider it a trial).

In one episode of Sex and the City (Season 3), Charlotte waited almost an entire year (actually up until the day before her wedding) before trying her future husband out in bed. That is where she realized he couldn’t get it up! After making ALL of the wedding arrangements and paying A LOT of money to prepare for one of her most important days, she had to re-consider whether or not spending her life with someone she could not enjoy sex with was really a good idea. As sex is considered a decent slice of the pie when thinking about the major components of our lives, wouldn’t you want to make sure you actually enjoy sex with the person you are committing the rest of your life to?

In this day and age, if trying before buying is acceptable and even recommended, then Sex before Marriage, makes logical sense too, right? Or wrong? Thoughts?? Also, if you could go back in time, would you change anything about when you started having sex?

Falling in love with Potential

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism" -Elizabeth Gilbert
{"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 285}

This is deep! (Ladies), I must repeat, THIS IS DEEP!!! Do we as human (women) sometimes become blind-sighted by POTENTIAL? At times we may think, “Wow, this person is perfect…almost. If only, this, that and the other thing could be changed (just a little bit), then WE could live happily ever after!!!” Well guess what?!?!? People are very difficult to change! Point blank. I could stop writing here, but you know I have plenty more to say! So…people DO NOT change, UNLESS they WANT to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone live up to the potential you envision them having. They must see how much better their lives are going to be if they changed, but you, my dear, will not change a person.

A great show to watch is “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!” This remarkable Off-Broadway show "celebrates the modern-day suburban mating game" (http://www.loveperfectchange.com/). It shows us how we as humans become infatuated with the significant other in our lives, but after some time, may we want them to change. Why? I guess it’s just human nature to want things our way at all times.

Elizabeth (above) states that not only does she fall in love with someone’s potential, but then it takes forever to get over this person if they end up breaking up. It’s difficult letting your love go, or even trying to force it to subside. But as they say…time heals (most).

At the end of the day, we must realize that falling in love with someone may need to happen when we understand that we are imperfect AND when we are ready to accept another imperfect human being with ALL their flaws/idiosyncrasies/vices/etc. You should try to tone down your high floating, blissful optimism and come back to earth where the laws of reality should state that people change on their own accord...not on your time line.

Ouchie! The truth hurts :-/

8 Signs Your Relationship Is in Jeopardy

When things are going right between you and your partner, you can feel it. You're happy when you are together; you support each other; you think and talk about each other (in positive ways) when you're not together.

And when things aren't going well, you can feel that, too. Here are eight signs that your relationship may be in jeopardy.

1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.
2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.
3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.
4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.
5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.
6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.
7. One of you isn't feeling supported.
8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.

1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.It's a fair request to ask for some clarity about where the relationship is going. You don't want to put too much pressure on the other person, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get a sense of where things stand. If your partner freaks out and gets defensive whenever you bring up the subject, then he or she may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. That's not necessarily a problem, especially early in your time together. But if you two have been together for a good long while and your partner still doesn't want to even discuss the status of your relationship, then that's a definite sign that your relationship is in jeopardy

2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.Ideally, a relationship is made up of two individuals who work to achieve a balance. On the one hand, they each want to make sure that their individual needs are being met. On the other hand, they want to make sacrifices for their partner and compromise, even when it goes against their own desires. If your partner is demanding too much attention, ordering you around, and insisting on having his or her way every time a disagreement arises, then that's a problem. You two are probably going to have a hard time building the kind of respectful relationship that allows for maximum personal and relational growth if one of you refuses to compromise and sacrifice.

3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.When you two talk about how things are going between you, do you seem to always end up trying to address problems? If so, your relationship might be in trouble. This isn't to say that you shouldn't address relational obstacles. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict and struggle from time to time. And, of course, you two should try to resolve whatever difficulties you face together. But if it seems that all you ever do when you talk about your relationship is solve problems and overcome difficulties, as opposed to enjoying each other's company and laughing together, then something may not be quite right between you.

4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.Again, there's nothing wrong with arguing. All couples do. And conflict, when it's handled in a way that is respectful, can actually be good for a relationship. But if you feel that all you and your partner do is argue, that's a problem. A healthy relationship is full of laughter, gratitude, kindness, and respect. If conflict is crowding out all these elements and leaving you with nothing but constant squabbling, then it's going to be tough to build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.There has to be a high level of trust for any relationship to work. Both people need to know that when they aren't together, they don't have to worry about what the other person is up to. If you find yourself always wondering if your partner is being true, then that will be a huge hurdle for your relationship to overcome. Likewise, if your partner refuses to trust you even though you have given him or her no reason to doubt you, that's another sign that the relationship isn't headed in a promising direction.

6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.There are going to be times when one of you legitimately has to spend extra time at work or on some other type of project. And there will be times when you'll spend time with other friends and your family. But if an ongoing pattern emerges where your significant other is repeatedly choosing to spend more time with his or her friends than with you, or to put in more time than necessary at work, it could be a warning sign. When all kinds of distractions continually pull your partner away, there's a good chance that those distractions have become more important in your partner's mind than you are.

7. One of you isn't feeling supported. Constant (or even frequent) criticism is one of the most obvious signs that a relationship is in trouble. It can really wear you down to hear over and over again that you should dress differently, avoid making a certain type of joke, or act a certain way when you're with a certain group of friends. And it's just as hard on a relationship. Constant criticism is often a sign of underlying anger or insecurity-neither of which makes a relationship work well. If you continually harp on the negative characteristics of each other, leaving out all the positive qualities you each possess, then it's going to be hard for the relationship to succeed.

8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.We all have certain desires and expectations for how we expect to be treated by the people we care about. And some of those desires and expectations are actual needs. In other words, we can't survive and thrive as individuals if those needs aren't met. So if one or both of you is failing to have your most basic emotional needs addressed by the connection you share, then that's a definite sign that your relationship may be in jeopardy.

If two or three of the items in this list apply to you and your partner, there may not be anything to really worry about it. You should still explore that facet of your relationship and see if you can strengthen the bond you share. But as noted before, even the best relationships struggle from time to time.

However, if you read through the eight signs listed in this article and found yourself relating to these issues much more than you'd like, then this is a good time to give some serious thought to the question of whether this a relationship into which you want to invest so much of your time, mind, and heart.

Posted Nov 14th 2008 3:31PM
by eHarmony Advice

http://www.personals.aol.com/articles/2008/11/14/8-signs-your-relationship-is-in-jeopardy/

Balance

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." -Wayan

{Pages 298 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}

Is Sex Ever Safe?

"Odd how only when our physical life is at risk, do we follow certain guidelines to protect ourselves. But what about our emotional lives? Wouldn't it be nice if there was a little pamphlet to warn us what unsafe behavior might be high risk to ourselves or our relationships? And even if you take all the precautions and emotionally try to protect yourself, when you crawl in bed with someone is sex ever safe?" -Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City, Season 3, Episode 41}

So...you ended a relationship and both you and your ex have moved on. Time passes, and maybe one of you got married to someone else or you are just both in other relationships. When you finally see one another (maybe you bump into one another on the street, drive up next to one another at a stoplight, whatever the encounter may be), you both get that funny feeling in your stomach you always used to get in the beginning of your relationship. Your heart starts beating triple time, your palms get sweaty, the butterflies are flying rampant in our tightly woven intestines. And with the slight lift of one eyebrow, you think: "What is the harm in rekindling an old flame. We've already slept with one another so it doesn't count if we do it again, right?"

In the Sex and The City episode described above, Carrie was sleeping with her Ex, Mr. Big, while she was dating someone and while he was married to a young lady named Natasha. The butterflies were so strong that they could not hold back and they went at it, again, and again, and again. They would meet in random hotels in the city, at odd hours, for a quickie here or there, but in the end, they were both still cheating on their significant others (whether they had been with one another before the new people came in the picture). Also, something inside of Carrie knew that Mr. Big was not going to commit to her, especially because he could have his cake and eat it too. Hate to ruin it for you, but at the end of this Episode Carrie and Mr. Big meet again. This time in his house. They make love on the bed he usually sleeps with his wife in. His wife comes home early from a trip and finds Carrie trying to exit her once happy home. This, similar to most infidelity stricken relationships, did not end on a good note. FOUR people were extremely hurt by Carrie and Big's selfish behavior.

Although Carrie may not have been being physically hurt by this experience with Mr. Big, her emotions where on a roller coaster ride that would soon come crashing down. So, why do we put ourselves in these types of situations? Why do we continue to get into toxic relationships when we know that we are headed full-steam down a dead-end street? Why do we look both ways when we are crossing the street, yet we don't truly analyze how our actions in certain relationships will affect us or others emotionally? As Carrie asked above, even if we had a huge rule book on relationships and emotions, are we ever truly safe when dealing with intimacy, love, sex or any matters of the heart?

Moral of the story: think before you act.

Ne-Yo's "It Just Ain't Right" video:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yswCOR76GCM

So many questions?!

In olden days (although this does still exist in some cultures), fathers would sit with their daughters’ suitors and ask questions such as:

(1) How will you provide for my daughter?
(2) What is your reputation in this community?
(3) How is your health?
(4) Where will you take her to live?
(5) What are your debts and your assets?
(6) What are the strengths of your character?

Although now-a-days our parents are not prone to ask these sorts of questions, these are still very relevant questions we may want to discuss with a potential life partner. It's no longer only about falling in love and living happily ever after (was it ever?). There are some funny/satirical (although true) freecreditreport.com commercials about getting your credit straight before getting married. Health is huge in today's society with all of the sexually transmitted diseases, let alone all of the health problems that can come about later in life (due to family history) and/or that you can pass on to your children. What religious beliefs (if any) do you want to live by/raise your children by? Where will you and your new family live? Do you mind if your partner spends time with their family members (you’d be surprised how many relationships are shattered due to family ties)? What moral/values do you both live by? It’s important to get a lot of things out on the table before taking the plunge because although our personalities evolve/change/grow with time, the discussions should be taken care of up front. Decide what you can and cannot live with and then move on from there. Communicate!

Is Love Always Complicated?

"I was more confident about sex and romance when I was sixteen than I am now" -Elizabeth Gilbert

"Of course you were. You were young and stupid then. Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we're doing? Do you think there's any way humans can love each other without complication? You should see how it happens in Bali, darling. All these Western men come here after they've made a mess of their lives back home, and they decide they've had it with Western women, and they go marry some tiny, sweet, obedient little Balinese teenage girl. I know what they’re thinking. They think this pretty little girl will make them happy, make their lives easy. But whenever I see it happen, I always want to say the same thing. Good luck. Because you still have a women in front of you, my friend. And you're still a man. It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Felipe the Brazilian

{Pages 276-277 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}

This excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” poses a great question: Is love always complicated? Jazmin Sullivan’s song Lions and Tigers also discusses loves complications by saying things such as, “Just ‘cause I love u and u love me, it doesn't mean that that we're meant to be” and “Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?.” It is true that when you merge two human beings, two human lives, different backgrounds, ways of thinking, morals, values, etc. things are difficult, but is it impossible? With the divorce rate as high as it is and the infidelity rate sky rocketing in this day and age, will relationships become obsolete in the near future? Is it just too complicated to even try?

Felipe (above) said that we must still try to love one another because having a broken heart means that you have tried for something. I agree with Felipe in that even though love can hurt at times, we must work towards making relationships work. As hard as it may be, it’s nice to have someone by your side, someone to grow old with, share special moments with, EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH.

I say, let the complications live on. I say LET LOVE LIVE on.


Jazmine Sullivan’s "Lions & Tigers":



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7kBIGx6a9g

[Chorus]
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh my]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

[Verse]
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we're meant to be,
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

[Chorus]

[Verse]
Most circumstances I know my fate
But in this love thing I don't get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend?
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we'll ever be,
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I'm not sure no, I'm not sure
But if we never try we'll never know
It's better to have loved than not to love at all
But trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if what we do?
I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be
Sweet memories

[Chorus]

Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)

"I'm so confused. Does he only want me now because he can't have me?" -Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City, Season 3, Episode 41 “Running with Scissors”}

This quote exemplifies what many women think when they see themselves finally moving on after being dumped by an Ex. After breaking up with his lady, he sees that she has moved on and all of a sudden he wants to be back in the picture. He will come back when he misses what they had, when he gets a taste of what is out there, when he realizes that he had it good when he was with her, that he could have dealt with her issues and that every relationship basically flows the same way. He will come back when he knows he was in fact in love. He will realize that he wants to settle down because hopping around may not be as fulfilling as a steady relationship in the long run. He may notice that all of his memories are fleeting and that he cannot discuss his life experiences or reminisce with someone about special moments in his past because they were all with different women.

Beyonce's hit single "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)" tells single ladies to raise their hands and celebrate their new found freedom. She also clearly states that men should start to realize what they have before someone else comes into the picture and scoops up their prized posession. They need to realize that a good lady is hard to find. Some men find it difficult to commit until their timing is perfectly right so although they may have found "the right one," they are willing to let her go until they are done playing the field. A young lady by the name of C. Moore had the perfect interpretation of this song, she stated that: “She's (Beyonce) talking about the sense of entitlement that some men think they have with a women who they don't want to fully commit to. So a guy is with a chick, doesn't want to marry her, but then again doesn't want to lose her to someone who is actually ready to commit on that level.”

Beyonce - "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" OFFICIAL VIDEO


http://videos.onsmash.com/v/sMccqAndPVHE1Qpv

The KEY lyrics to Miss B’s song:

You decided to dip (dip), but now you want to trip (trip)
Cause another brother noticed me
Cause I cried my tears (tears), for three good years (years)
You can't be mad at me

I can care less what you think
I need no permission
Cause you had your turn (turn)
But now you gon' learn
What it really feels like to Miss B

Don't treat me to these things of this world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Here's a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I'm the one you want
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost, I'll be gone

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

They don't call it a job for nothin'!

"Easy? You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there?! Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through our noses. Easy? Honey! They don't call it a job for nothin'! Now, having sad all that, with the right man, it can be fabulous. That is, unless the man in question has Spunk that's like a trip to the rotten egg buffet." -Samantha Jones {Sex and The City Season 3 Episode 39 "Easy Come Easy Go"}

This is a very interesting quote from Sex and The City which I heard yesterday and I HAD to add it here with a couple of points I wanted to make:

(1) I believe partners should appreciate one another and all of the efforts they make in trying to please each other. You should both be working on making the relationship work and no one should have it easier than the other person. I don’t mean this only in a sexual sense, but in every aspect of the relationship.

(2) In this Episode of S&TC, Samantha said this to the person she was being intimate with because his “Spunk” as she liked to call it, did not taste like a banana split with a cherry on top. Bodily functions are usually not very yummy and unless you are 100% okay with drinking/eating your own bodily functions, you should not think that your partner is obligated to drink/eat yours…especially not every single time! Then again, EVEN IF you are okay with eating/drinking your bodily function (or someone else’s), not everyone has the same taste buds and/or appetite. Understand that!!!

(3) Samantha found it difficult to actually come out and tell this person that she was not comfortable with the taste of his … But it is important to remember that your partner is NOT a mind reader. Be open and honest with your partner and let them know that you are comfortable or not with certain things in the relationship. Whether that be the taste of his or her ‘Spunk’, that you do not like their whining or that you dislike them leaving their clothes on the floor. Communicate!

(4) Sex should be fun! Don’t forget the foreplay!! Most Women LOOOOOVE foreplay!

(5) In the episode above, every time Samantha was with this particular partner, he wanted her to go down unda. Every single time they were intimate, he would request this he didn’t want to do anything in bed besides THAT. Remember, every sexual experience you have with your partner does not have to be the same; try new/different things every once in a while. Different positions, foreplay, places, clothing, scents, foods, etc. The same routine usually bores people (sadly enough, that is why some people cheat). They don’t tell their partner they are bored, and instead look for something new, somewhere else. {See October 24th Posting ("The grass is always greener on the other side"...)}

What is a Soul Mate?

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank god for it. (Their purpose is to) shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you (have) to transform your life then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it." Richard from Texas {Page 149-"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}

Do you think you met your soul mate? Do you think you are ready to meet your soul mate? Do you want to meet them if they are meant to just "drive-by" your life?

Is this all too familiar to you?
lol


Yellow: lies lies lies lies lies BS BS lies lies BS lies lies BC lies



Yellow: before I met you, my heart was a crap taco
Pink: lets make love for ten thousand years



Yellow: haha I farted
Pink: lol it's ok I still luv u



Yellow: haha I just went #2
Pink: lol it's ok i am too fat to move



Yellow: BEFORE I MET YOU, MY HEART SOARED LIKE AN EAGLE!
Pink: FUCK YOUR HEART AND YOUR STUPID FACE



Green: I'm rich and I have enormous muscles
Pink: You are so much better than my Ex



Yellow: Let's try again, but this time - it'll work!
Pink: I still hate you, but you're comfortable and familiar so I'm willing to settle



Pink: I've scheduled us to have sex next Thursday, right after I get back from my jazzercize classes.
Yellow: Fuck my life.

The Road Less Traveled

"Virginia Woolf wrote, 'Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.' On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where 'all is correct.' But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course.' Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a women, but you can bet it will also be more perilous."

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection." (The Bhagavad Gita, an ancient Indian Yogic text)

Excerpts from "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 95

***********

At some point in a everyone's life, they must decide whether they will find a mate, settle down and raise a family, or continue to live the single life and pursue their dreams. This decision is a bit different for men than women. The road a woman decides to take, leads to either the "normal" life women are "supposed" to lead, which usually means: marriage, kids, work, little play, taking care of their husband and raising a nice, happy household, retirement and inevitably, death. Otherwise, the road less traveled may bring about many, many adventures. But is is also the riskier road, a scary adventure that may lead to loneliness.

Is someone ultimately fulfilled if they are pursuing all of their dreams, but ends up alone throughout most of their adventures? Does this equate to true HappYness (refer to the film "The Pursuit of Happyness")? Do you have to give up one thing to have the other? Or can you live a life of adventure and fulfill your life/career/etc. goals while building a family and sharing yourexperiences with the love of your life? It is impossible? Or is it possible, yet difficult? What is worth more to you?

Which road would you rather travel?

Is it too good to be true?

"Maybe you don't think it's for real, unless someone is playing hard to get?" -Miranda {Sex and the City Season 3 Episode 37 "Drama Queens"}

"When things come too easy, we're suspect. Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real? We are raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly. There always has to be obstacles in Act II before you can live happily ever after in Act III. But what happens when the obstacles aren't there? Does that mean there is something missing? Do we need drama to make a relationship work?" -Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City Season 3 Episode 37 "Drama Queens"}

When things are rough in our relationships, we complain, yet when we are coasting by and everything seems to be going our way, we still complain!!!! Are human beings ever satisfied? I believe, it's rather tough to be optimistic about the future of our own relationship, when we see that every other relationship around us is completely screwed up. Maybe everyone else in their wild rollercoaster ride relationship is normal and we are not? This one is cheating on that one; that one is in love with this one but married with children to this other one; their family travels more than mine; my wife and I don't have enough sex (or too much sex..if that's even possible); and the list is endless... How can someone think about living happily ever after in a relationship with all of these negative thoughts about everyone else's messed up relationship? We inevitably start to wonder, why is my relationship going well? There MUST be something he/she is hiding from me? This has to start going sour sometime soon?! Maybe I need to stir something up or start an argument so that we could be normal....like every other relationship?! But why are we conditioned to think this way?

Why do you have to find something wrong with your relationship when things are going well??

Why would an anxiety-free relationship drive you crazy?

Why does it HAVE to be too good to be true?

Why not just enjoy the ride?!?!?!? Who knows maybe it will stay beautiful, wonderful, great forever!

Regaining Trust Once it has Been Broken

Can you believe it, she lied to me?! She told me she was going out to the grocery store, but she met up for lunch with that ex-boyfriend of hers I can’t stand! Why couldn’t she simply tell me the truth? Why does she have to hang out with him anymore when she promised me she wouldn’t? Is she cheating on me with him? Do I have to start looking through her phone and e-mail account?

After all these years, of me trusting him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I just found out he has been living a double life for the past year. He has been sleeping around and dating someone I did not even know existed! How could he do this to me? How am I ever going to trust him again? How am I ever going to trust anyone after this?

My friend told me he saw her at the club on Friday night. He said she was dancing with a lot of different guys and I felt like such an ass when I found out. I didn’t even know what to say. It turned out she went dancing with her friends after she told me she was tired and wanted to stay home. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if she would have just told me the truth from the get.

Have you or someone you know ever been faced with a situation where the person you thought you trusted (your significant other, a friend, a family member) turned out to be either lying, cheating, stealing or doing you wrong in some way? Did you confront them about it? Did you break up with them? Did you break-up and get back together, only to realize that it was insignificant and that your relationship is worth so much more? Or did you get back together to realize that since the trust had been broken, it was impossible to gain it back? How does someone overcome the pain after their trust has been broken? Is it possible to forgive AND forget? Trust is easy to lose and hard (not impossible) to regain.

There are MANY success stories on regaining trust and moving past the hurt after one (or both) of the partners in the relationship is unfaithful/untruthful. How do these relationships succeed? How do they overcome the hurdle of building back a shattered heart and climbing the tall, winding ladder of trust yet again? It is definitely not something that happens overnight; it can actually be a very difficult task! It takes time, dedication, patience, honesty, commitment, love, forgiveness and hard work, but in the long run, you and your partner may look back and laugh about the situation that may have been quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

The most important first step is the decision to LET GO. Let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. It’s not healthy to hold a grudge or keep bringing up the past when trying to move forward in the relationship. You must decide to forgive the other person. It may be hard, if not impossible to FORGET the action(s) that your partner may have taken, but you must FORGIVE them. The next step is to make sure whatever took place will not happen again. If you cheated, try not to put yourself in places/positions where you will be tempted to cheat again. Do your best to say the truth at all times as you would like your partner to be truthful to you. Be open and honest with your partner; do not hold secrets from your partner as they may come to find out the truths you are keeping from them and it will be more difficult than it would have been had you told them the truth/secret in the first place. Remember Communication is KEY!!!

You will want to set some goals on how to keep your relationship/marriage/friendship on the right track. How do you want to progress? What changes do you want to make? What adjustments do you want them to make? Make sure these mutually agreed upon goals/promises are reasonable and explicitly clear. At this point both of you must keep in mind that “breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression. Breaking a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behavior you cannot keep your word - you cannot be trusted. If you break a promise, the whole process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.” (3)

It is important to understand where one another are coming from. Try to put yourself in your partners’ shoes. How would you have felt if they were unfaithful to you? How would you have reacted if they lied to you or stole something from you? Share one another’s pain, LISTEN effectively and empathize with the struggles each of you face in the situation. When speaking to one another, try not to blame one another for what has happened by using non-blaming “I” statements and if possible, stay away from “always,” “must,” “never” or “should” statements as well. These “finger-pointing” statements can elevate the conversation to a place you do not want it to go to. Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Try not to dwell on the betrayal, but understand that your partner needs open and honest answers to their questions about what transpired. Giving an explanation for one's behavior is important when trying to rebuild trust. Partners need to understand why things happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on. Lastly, get counseling as needed or have a mediator (third party) listen and provide un-biased opinions on how to move forward. Having your mother or best friend involved is not a good choice, but a psychologist or educated professional could listen to the dilemma and both sides of the story which may bring about positive results.

At the end of the day, keep the Golden Rule in mind…”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Good luck and just remember that anything is possible if you set your mind to it! You just somehow have to make it work…


Resources:
(1) http://www.about.com;
(2) http://womentodaymagazine.com;
(3) http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/

"The grass is always greener on the other side"...

"The grass is always greener on the other side"...{Jay Z featured in Usher's song titled "Best Thing"}

Or is it?!

You think you've got it bad because she's over emotional, his breath isn't always minty fresh, her family is a little strange, he doesn't pick up after himself when he gets home from work, she shops too much, he is not financially savvy, her butt is not round enough, he dresses like a dork, she flirts too much, he has to any female friends, or this and that, and the list is never ending really. There will always be a little something that you wish could be different about the person you are with. So you happen to notice someone else that may have a bigger butt, who is always dressed to the nines and/or wears cologne/perfume all the time, someone who may have the perfect job, or just seems like they've got everything together. ''Seems'' is the operative word here because guess what?? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. You could either end it with your current partner and start fresh with someone else who will eventually show their true colors, or you could communicate your concerns and constructive criticism to your partner and try to work through it.

At the end of the day, do you just take anyone as long as they're different, or do you make it work?

Ne-yo sings a great song called ''Make it Work'' which describes this situation perfectly!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0V2tKhnzDY

Below are incredible lyrics:

Ooh uh ooh,ooh uh ooh yeih yeh
You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately that’s enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
That’s a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh

Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves (hey)
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

You was looking for your prince, ooh
What you found (what u found)
Is a pauper with potential
And no, I'm nowhere near perfect…NO
But I'm around (but I’m around)
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh

Thick and thin, (ooh)
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours, and yours are mine

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt (guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh

Ending a Relationship

Moving On
It may be time to move on from a relationship when
• Unhappiness with the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.
• There is unresolved conflict.
• You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.
• It seems as though trust cannot be rebuilt.
• You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else.

Some individuals stay in a relationship because they are afraid to be alone—even when there are no feelings of love for the other person. Using a relationship as a security blanket to protect you from loneliness isn't fair to the other person and doesn't give you an opportunity to grow, learn about yourself, and find out what you need. If you're in that type of situation, ending the relationship might be best for you and your partner.

Ending a Relationship
Ending a relationship is a hard thing to do. There could be feelings of guilt, fear of emotionally hurting your partner, fear that your partner may take it the wrong way, or it could be that feeling of wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship.

Although ending a relationship is easy for some, for others it can be a difficult thing. If you feel it is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on. Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's life. If ending a relationship is the best thing for you, then it will also be the best thing for your partner.

Some Tips
• Be honest—with yourself and your partner.
• Be respectful—end it clearly and compassionately.
• Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what is going on. Explain the situation and your feelings fully.
• Explain how you want the relationship to end (friendship, no contact, etc.).

When the Love Bug Strikes Again
Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, use what you have learned in the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different—with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between one relationship and your current situation will help you focus on the benefits you're experiencing today.

Relationships are a healthy part of life. Enjoy it when it is right for you and when it is not, don't worry. The best is yet to come!

If Abuse Is Involved
With the term abusive, many individuals think of being hit or punched, but abuse can come in many forms—from verbal abuse to preventing other friendships and activities. Sometimes it is difficult for the person in the relationship to realize that it is abusive. Some of the following questions may help you assess your relationship:
• Does your partner reduce your self-esteem?
• Do you feel threatened or afraid of your partner at any time?
• Does your partner try to control your decisions and your life?
• Have you lost all your friends because of this relationship?
• Has your partner ever hit you, pushed you, or forced you to have sex?

If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to speak with a professional about your relationship.


Source: University of Georgia Health Center. (Updated 2004, July 14). Relationships: Ending a relationship. Retrieved September 24, 2007, from http://www.uhs.uga.edu

Why do we compare ourselves?

"She's shiny hair, Style section, Vera Wang, and I'm, you know, the sex column they run next to the ads for Penile implants." {Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 3, Episode 33 "Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman"}

Why is it that after a break-up, some people compare themselves to their ex's new found significant other? In this particular episode, Carrie noticed an article in the newspaper about Mr. Big's wedding to Natasha. She was upset that Big was now married, after he told her he was not ready to get married, but, the truth is that she was more upset about him being married to Natasha. Why?! Because she was young, beautiful, tall, etc.? But Carrie has so many great qualities, she is amazing, yet she diminishes herself because someone else conquered the man she is in love with.

Why do people torture themselves this way? It's like they are trying to prove themselves to someone else. Or is it that they are trying to prove themselves to themselves?

When you firmly believe that it cannot work out between you and your significant other, why does it still bother you that they are with someone else? Or does it hurt more when someone breaks up with you and then runs off with another? What about when you break-up with someone, knowing you still love them, and then see that they are moving on? Is there still a burning inside? Why? Especially when you are the one that cut it off, why do you compare yourself to the new person in your ex's life? If you did not want to be with them in the first place, why does it matter that they have sound someone new?

In Carrie's case, Mr. Big broke her heart, moved to Paris and immediately got married to someone else. In her mind, she is left wondering "Why?". Why would he tell her he loved her, yet could not be with her and then live the life she wanted to live with him, with another woman? Why? The only thing left for Carrie to do, is compare, wonder, ask...why?...then, she must move on.

Are you terrified of being tied down?

"I was the one who tied myself to a man that was terrified of being tied down." {Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 2, Episode 24 "La Douleur Exquise!"}

Are you the person who keeps trying to make a relationship work, when it is obvious the other person does not want to be tied down? The other person is clearly saying they want to be in an open relationship or does not want a title, but you want to have a name...a ring...a license of some sort.

Or are you the one that is afraid to death of being with ONE person? (Oh my?!) Do you not see marriage in your future? Do you just like to sleep around? Are you a swinger? Do you enjoy the excitement of something new every couple of days/weeks/months/sizes/shapes/colors? Why do you shun commitment?

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

The Timing Is Off
Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future -- at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty. Single women get serious when they meet the right man. Single men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt -- like Patrick, 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."

We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."

In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak out and bail."

We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."

We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

Are You About to Be Jilted?
*His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.
*He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's thinking about making a break for it.
*He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you break up with them.
*He's distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you -- or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.

By: Cosmopolitan
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24081/dating-101-why-guys-dump-girls-they-dig

Get your Filthy paws off what's mine!!

"If I want it, I can take you from your man, with my eyes closed. I can have you eating out of the palm of my hand and all your little girlfriends too..." {Usher, "If I Want to," see video below}

A good friend of mine frequently says the following phrase: "Shortiez iz ill" (In my eyes, this should refer to both men and women.)

Even when a woman knows that a man is taken, why does she do anything in her power to steal him away from his rightful owner? Have you ever been the man in this type of situation? Or are you a man that has tried/are trying to steal the love of a woman that is already involved with someone else? Or the woman in that situation...torn between two men that please you only 50% each? Do you ever think that if someone is capable of cheating on someone else to be with you, that they would do the same thing to you, with someone else? Why do you always go after someone that is already taken?

I have heard that sometimes the mistress/mister-ess (I just made that word up) in this side-ways three-some believes that they are not to blame. Some believe that the man/woman who is willfully cheating on his/her wife/partner is the one at fault. Others feel that the person being cheated on is at fault for not being available emotionally/physically/mentally to the cheater. Call me crazy, but isn't it true that if the mistress/mister-ess would not exist, the act would not have taken place?

Well, then the mister/mistress that is initiating conversation with a married person & or the b-word that sees allllll the facebook/myspace pictures of the happy couple, but still flirts & tries to sleep with the man in the pictures is to blame. It doesn't matter if the guy says he & his lady are having issues. BACK UP until they are officially no longer together. STAY AWAY from him so you don't add to the problem. This equation already has too many variables and YOU should not be one of them. Don't you know he is not leaving his lady to be with you?! If he is weak and he does have you as a side piece, you will continue to be a side piece until he gets tired of you and your "when are you going to leave her to be with me drama?" Get over yourself and look for a man that is SINGLE. Did you ever hear of KARMA? They say it's a biatch and it will sooner or later come knocking at your door….most likely when you think you are in a healthy, loving relationship. You will turn around one day and realize that the love of your life, which you have never cheated on (because you changed), was living a double life. Keep that in mind the next time you see yourself flirting with fire.

Okay, so back to the drawing board…who is really to blame when someone cheats? Imagine if you will, a simple bank robbery, where there is a driver, the person with a gun that will actually perform the robbery, a look out person or two (inside & outside of the bank), and a back-up robber that maybe holds one of the money bags. Just for kicks lets throw in a bank teller who is actually involved by telling the robber when the security guard goes on break, where all of the security cameras are and who is maybe the first teller the robber confronts. Aren’t all of these people guilty (if found out)? So, if someone cheats, is it the cheaters fault for actually committing the crime, the victim (the one being cheated on) for not being 100% available to your significant other, the 3rd party (the driver, the look-out, the bank teller, the enemy climbing into the bed of someone in a relationship), or is everyone guilty of the crime?

Thoughts?

Below are interesting snippets obtained from Oprah.com where the "Other Woman" speaks out:
The "Other Woman" Speaks Out
It's the side of infidelity we rarely get to hear about-from the "other woman."

Sarah says she met one of the married men she dated at a business dinner. "He was a very distinguished businessman, high-profile, a lot older than me," she says. "He pursued me very hard. He would phone me constantly, text messaging and calling." She says she's since dated "countless" other married men.

Melissa was married when she began seeing a married man she met in a coffee shop. "My husband thought our marriage was fine," she says. "I was always wanting an upgrade."

Crystal, who says she's dated two married men, says that one man would buy her lingerie and they'd meet at her apartment. "He would really like for me to be sexy for him," she says. "I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that."

Michelle says she began seeing a man in Las Vegas almost seven years ago. He was also seeing a long-time girlfriend, whom he eventually married. After a brief breakup, Michelle started seeing him again-and they're still dating. At first, it was strictly a physical relationship, Michelle says, but when she later moved to his town, the affair became emotional as well. "We ended up spending a lot more time together, so I got to know him at a deeper level. It was more about who he was, what he wanted, and it was a lot more intimate than it had been."

After her initial meeting in the coffeeshop, Melissa says her affair continued, and they'd see each other three or four times a week. "The kids had soccer practice. I'd drop them off and run down to our spot," she says. "It was shielded by trees up above a road so it was completely secluded."

Crystal says when the man she was having an affair with told her about his home life, he made it sound like he wanted to leave. She says he told her the cost of divorce and alimony was holding him back. "I had fairy tale dreams of us being a power couple, being a well-kept wife, and having the big home and fancy cars and a big diamond ring," she says. "But it was never going to be a reality."

Sarah says she heard a similar story from her lover. "He wanted a future with me-so much so that he gave me a budget to go and look at properties, talked about settling down, talked about how he would explain to his other half that he was leaving, and when he was going to do it. He even rehearsed what he was going to say in front of me," she says. "Of course nothing happened-he couldn't leave her."

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_rel_20071019_350?cnn=yes

Usher, "If I Want to":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrA0BmprIiU

Besides sex -- other reasons men cheat

This is a very interesting article sent to me from a dear friend. It was posted on Oprah.com on October 3, 2008 ("The Oprah Winfrey Show"). Do you have any thoughts in it??

***************


In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it.

Gary documented these findings -- and many others -- in a groundbreaking new book. To write "The Truth About Cheating," Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.

Gary says his work as a marriage counselor inspired him to write this book. "For over 20 years, [I've been] living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.

"You want to help children of divorce? I said, 'Well, let's get really down and dirty and find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better.'"

Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women.

"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."

Top reason for cheating?
What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.

"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."

With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself.

"[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

Men have a winning mentality, Gary says. Just think about how the men in your life act while watching their favorite sports teams.

"They love to win," Gary says. "Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.' Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I'm not saying it's her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they're winning with the things that they do for you."

Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

Is cheater choosing prettier women?
How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.

For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear -- you name it -- before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it -- even though it was the worst decision of my life."

Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds.

"Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."

How often do men confess to cheating on before being caught?
Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary's study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. "I kind of tell people, 'If you're going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,'" Gary says.

In 2004, Colleen discovered that her husband, Scott, was having an affair and says she caught him several times. The first time she says she caught Scott was on Father's Day when the other woman called the house.

"I was standing there right with him in the kitchen so I heard her, and she said, 'Are you okay? Are you okay? Hang in there,'" Colleen says. "He tried to tell me it was a dispatcher from work and that was very suspicious."

Colleen says Scott's affair was painful, but the lying was worse. "When you've been married for so long and you trust someone so much and they look you right in the eye and they're telling you a lie, it takes a lot to move past that," she says.

Gary says Colleen's desire to believe her husband is common. "The problem is that that's the moment where every woman has to look at her husband and say, simply, 'Look. The fact [is] that I think you may be cheating. I'll trust you at your word. I've got no choice. But there's something wrong with us.'" Gary says.
Although he felt connected to his wife, Scott says he started to feel insecure when Colleen's mother passed away.

"I felt powerless; I didn't feel able to talk with my wife," he says. "Looking back on it, I felt that it transferred onto our relationship when it really didn't. She was really looking for me to be that strong point and I kind of walked away from it because of the insecurities I was feeling and the challenges we were facing in our marriage at the time and my abilities to be able to love her as a husband."

Just as the little things are often signs that something is wrong, the little things can also help rebuild relationships, Gary says. For example, if a man tries to make breakfast and burns the toast, Gary suggests staying positive.

"[Men] want to feel like they're pleasing their wives... When you give him the message mainly that you screwed up, then believe it or not, it makes him feel insecure. [He thinks,] 'I can't win,'" Gary says. "Engender the good feeling of the trying and the effort that he's made. That's where the love really is."

Katherine calls in to ask Gary about her suspicions that her husband cheated on her.

"One night I saw his phone on the counter and I looked at it, and it somehow came right to this picture of him naked and aroused from the waist down... I asked him about it. He denied anything. He said he took the picture to send to me, which I know is a big fat lie because I wouldn't approve. And so that was one thing. And then I've also seen e-mails from women from Russia, wanting him to be their lovers."

Katherine says she has tried tracking him with a GPS unit and installing spyware on his computer, but he found both and disabled them. Gary says Katherine should try getting him to submit to a lie detector test.

"Obviously we all think here that he's up to no good," Gary says. "The question, Katherine, that you have to face, and this is hard for a woman: Do you want to know?"

Gary says the truth can be very difficult for women to face because it could be the end of their marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. Gary says the cheater's lying is really the ultimate betrayal.

"I say to men, look, do yourself a bigger favor, be honest with your wife when you're just beginning to get interested in somebody else. Sit down with your wife and say, 'Listen. Something is wrong,'" Gary says.

If you suspect your husband is cheating, Gary says there are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state.

Brian and Anne say they never thought they would have to deal with an affair in their marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night. Yet Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work.

"I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair," Brian says.

Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. "And then you develop some sort of a connection with them through some sort of common interest," he says. "I didn't choose to go have an affair. It just sort of happened."

Gary says Brian is right that most men meet the person they have an affair with in one of two places -- at work or through a hobby. "It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband."

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/03/o.why.men.cheat/index.html