Can you believe it, she lied to me?! She told me she was going out to the grocery store, but she met up for lunch with that ex-boyfriend of hers I can’t stand! Why couldn’t she simply tell me the truth? Why does she have to hang out with him anymore when she promised me she wouldn’t? Is she cheating on me with him? Do I have to start looking through her phone and e-mail account?
After all these years, of me trusting him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I just found out he has been living a double life for the past year. He has been sleeping around and dating someone I did not even know existed! How could he do this to me? How am I ever going to trust him again? How am I ever going to trust anyone after this?
My friend told me he saw her at the club on Friday night. He said she was dancing with a lot of different guys and I felt like such an ass when I found out. I didn’t even know what to say. It turned out she went dancing with her friends after she told me she was tired and wanted to stay home. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if she would have just told me the truth from the get.
Have you or someone you know ever been faced with a situation where the person you thought you trusted (your significant other, a friend, a family member) turned out to be either lying, cheating, stealing or doing you wrong in some way? Did you confront them about it? Did you break up with them? Did you break-up and get back together, only to realize that it was insignificant and that your relationship is worth so much more? Or did you get back together to realize that since the trust had been broken, it was impossible to gain it back? How does someone overcome the pain after their trust has been broken? Is it possible to forgive AND forget? Trust is easy to lose and hard (not impossible) to regain.
There are MANY success stories on regaining trust and moving past the hurt after one (or both) of the partners in the relationship is unfaithful/untruthful. How do these relationships succeed? How do they overcome the hurdle of building back a shattered heart and climbing the tall, winding ladder of trust yet again? It is definitely not something that happens overnight; it can actually be a very difficult task! It takes time, dedication, patience, honesty, commitment, love, forgiveness and hard work, but in the long run, you and your partner may look back and laugh about the situation that may have been quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
The most important first step is the decision to LET GO. Let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. It’s not healthy to hold a grudge or keep bringing up the past when trying to move forward in the relationship. You must decide to forgive the other person. It may be hard, if not impossible to FORGET the action(s) that your partner may have taken, but you must FORGIVE them. The next step is to make sure whatever took place will not happen again. If you cheated, try not to put yourself in places/positions where you will be tempted to cheat again. Do your best to say the truth at all times as you would like your partner to be truthful to you. Be open and honest with your partner; do not hold secrets from your partner as they may come to find out the truths you are keeping from them and it will be more difficult than it would have been had you told them the truth/secret in the first place. Remember Communication is KEY!!!
You will want to set some goals on how to keep your relationship/marriage/friendship on the right track. How do you want to progress? What changes do you want to make? What adjustments do you want them to make? Make sure these mutually agreed upon goals/promises are reasonable and explicitly clear. At this point both of you must keep in mind that “breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression. Breaking a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behavior you cannot keep your word - you cannot be trusted. If you break a promise, the whole process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.” (3)
It is important to understand where one another are coming from. Try to put yourself in your partners’ shoes. How would you have felt if they were unfaithful to you? How would you have reacted if they lied to you or stole something from you? Share one another’s pain, LISTEN effectively and empathize with the struggles each of you face in the situation. When speaking to one another, try not to blame one another for what has happened by using non-blaming “I” statements and if possible, stay away from “always,” “must,” “never” or “should” statements as well. These “finger-pointing” statements can elevate the conversation to a place you do not want it to go to. Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Try not to dwell on the betrayal, but understand that your partner needs open and honest answers to their questions about what transpired. Giving an explanation for one's behavior is important when trying to rebuild trust. Partners need to understand why things happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on. Lastly, get counseling as needed or have a mediator (third party) listen and provide un-biased opinions on how to move forward. Having your mother or best friend involved is not a good choice, but a psychologist or educated professional could listen to the dilemma and both sides of the story which may bring about positive results.
At the end of the day, keep the Golden Rule in mind…”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Good luck and just remember that anything is possible if you set your mind to it! You just somehow have to make it work…
Resources:
(1) http://www.about.com;
(2) http://womentodaymagazine.com;
(3) http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/
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