"My Marriage is a Fake Fendi. (We) look like the perfect couple from the outside, but on the inside it’s all fake; it’s not special. He can't even get it up." -Charlotte {Sex and The City Season 3, Episode 44 "Sex and Another City"}
From an outsiders perspective your relationship looks like the ideal bond.
*You and your partner are always hugging, kissing, holding hands, smiling, etc.
*Your pictures look like a family portrait most would only dream of having.
*Your outfits are always perfectly coordinated.
*If you have children, they seem like the most well-behaved, intelligent bunch of little angels.
*Your relationship is the perfect IPO (Initial Public Offering) all investors are waiting to jump on. Assets...check. Return on Investment...check. All ratios in line with or better than the competition...double check.
However, when you sit and analyze your relationship from an insider’s point of view, you begin to notice that "Fraudulent" or “Scandal” do not even sound like adequate words to describe the true status of affairs. Cheating, lying, stealing, lack of intimacy behind closed doors, physical and/or verbal abuse among other negative activities may have taken place in your relationship. Or maybe none of these things have happened, yet there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture, yet you hide it all too well.
You think: why start over in a new relationship, when you have been together for so long? Why break up a happy home and expose your children to the heart-wrenching effects of separation or divorce? Why have everyone around you bad mouth you and your partner when everyone thinks that everything is just great?! Oh and God forbid you have to change your status on Myspace, Facebook, hi5 and the sixteen other online accounts you both have!! All of your friends and family will inevitably comment on how they had no idea something was wrong and/or how they think you two make the best couple and that everything is bound to work out!!
The easiest way out may seem to be to suck it up and walk with your head high and strut your fake Fendi, until it falls apart or you decide to get a new one. Don't disturb the peace or stir the calm waters. I hate to break it to you, but playing make-believe may not always be the solution. As tedious a task as it may seem, consider the positive and negative aspects of your relationship by actually listing them out (on paper). Do the Pros weigh the Cons? Or vice versa? Have you noticed that the list of negatives has been increasing over time? If so, do you think life would be easier if you happen to find someone else to build a (real) life with? Are there things you could change within yourself to better the situation? Have you ever even discussed the underlying troubles your partnership is facing? At the end of the day, consider all aspects of what you are experiencing. Is a real Fendi THAT much better than the one sold on the street for one-fourth the price?
Additional Readings: "The Grass is always greener on the other side" Posted October 24, 2008
5 comments:
A REAL FENDI IS THAT MUCH BETTER THAN THE FAKE. The time it took to make and quality of it will last a lifetime. You can trust that it will not fall apart. You have faith that in a few years, you can go to your closet and your FENDI will be there. The fake will fall apart eventually. Its only a matter of time.
Thank you so much for your comment Mr/Ms/Miss Anonymous!! I appreciate you reading and commenting :o)
You read my mind... I have been legally married for almost 6 years. It never really felt like a marriage. We broke up several times and always managed to get back together.
About 2 years ago we decided to give it a real shot. Eventually got re married on October 2012. We had a big wedding with all out friends and family. My husband played the part so well that everybody kept telling me how lucky I was and how happy we were... Most of the time I want to believe that as well.
Brian has never loved me. He has told me since we met that he was not attracted to me.
I don't know why I always pursued this relationship and thought I was able to make him love me to convince him I was ideal for him.
6 years have passes by and although we have tried and pretended plenty he still does not love me. He blames me for everything. For every bad decision he has made and for the way his life turned out to be.
He does not touch me, we haven't had sex in over 6 months, we neve go out with friends and have very little common interests.
I love him, not sure why... Feels I do not get a whole lot from this marriage. But I am not sure j cannot live like this. Maybe I can, I have been doing it for so long.
We don't have children and it seems we never will, my husband got a vasectomy before I met him so I always knew having children would be a Iong shot. Again I thought I could convince him so we could get some treatment, try in vitrio or something. He has said he wanted to adopt but I am not sure he is serious.
Also I am not sure I want to bring children into this loveless marriage. Although it is all I have ever wished for... A family.
How long can someone take this? I guess we will see.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so taking the time to read my blog and for being open and honest about the situation you are currently facing. I hope you get my response in a timely fashion.
I want to start out by writing that I am terribly sorry you are going through what seems at first glance like a not so fun roller coaster ride. I'm definitely not a psychologist and don't claim to be a relationship expert, but I would love to share my thoughts and opinions....these are just my two cents...feel free to take them or leave them.
A wise woman once told me that people will treat me the way I allow them to treat me. After various short and long term relationships and general interactions with family, friends, co-workers, clients and even strangers, I can clearly see the value and truth in that saying. The people around you will do to you exactly what you let them do to you...be it something that makes you happy or sad.
I was in an almost 4 year roller coaster ride of a relationship with an ex boyfriend of mine, which I knew was a dead end for the last two years. I stayed those extra years cause I really thought I could fix this broken relationship. Maybe I stayed in that toxic long term relationship because I thought I was in love, but the truth is that I was not happy and neither was he. It was fake and I see it now clearly as I look back and smile that it's over. He is now in a long term relationship and I am happily waiting for and sometimes looking for mister right.
My gut feeling, suggestion and un-professional opinion is that in order for you to take even more control of your life, your relationship with your husband and others (as this marriage may be affecting your relationship with others), you may want to seek counseling. To be unhappy with someone by your side that has admitted he is not attracted to you and that you know doesn't love you, doesn't seem very healthy to me. The mental and emotional damage it may be causing you over time may be worse than your decision to move on an find someone that will value how fabulous you are. If you want to have children, you should be able to have a loving, supportive family with someone you share some interests with and that will help lift you, not bring you down by constantly criticizing you.
You ended your comment by writing "I guess we will see." This seems to me like a very passive way of approaching your relationship, your future and in essence, your life. In order or you to be happy and potentially find a relationship or marriage filled with love and mutual understanding, you may need to be a little more proactive and work on either really fixing this relationship or moving on. You can be happy, you may just have to want it bad enough and work hard enough towards it.
I wish you the best of luck with this Fendi and in life. I'm here if you want to chat! Freeheartsandminds@gmail.com
Amen to that!
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