Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson
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Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Surprising Habits That Can Sink a Marriage
Can you spot a good marriage? I was pretty sure I could, starting with my own. My husband and I rarely argued, we had similar careers, we shared common interests. Things weren't perfect, but we seemed to be humming along in harmony better than most other couples we knew. In fact, nobody was more surprised than we were when our 17-year marriage ended in a New Jersey divorce court.
It turns out, though, that the signs of trouble had been there all along, if only I'd known what to look for. Instead, I was judging my marriage by the wrong standards—which, I've since learned, most of us do. In one now-famous study, researchers asked therapists, married couples, and others to watch videotaped conversations of ten couples and try to identify the relationships that had ultimately ended in divorce. The results were abysmal—even the therapists guessed wrong half the time.
So how can you diagnose the health of your relationship? Armed with huge volumes of data on married couples, scientists have identified some simple but powerful indicators that can help couples recognize marital strife long before their relationship hits the skids.
The Way You Were
Imagine a couple that go hiking on their first date. In a happy marriage, the wife might tell the story this way: "We got terribly lost that day. It took us hours to find our way back, but we laughed about how neither of us had a good sense of direction. After that, we knew better than to plan another hiking trip!"
But if the relationship was stressed, she might tell the story this way: "He lost the map, and it took hours to find our way back. After that, I never wanted to go hiking again." Same story, but instead of reflecting a sense of togetherness—using pronouns like "we" and "us"—it's laced with negativity. Research has shown that analyzing what's known as the marital narrative—the way you talk about the good and bad times of your early years together—is about 90 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will succeed or fail.
Had I been paying attention, my own how-we-met story could have told me a lot about how I was feeling in my marriage. Early in the relationship, when asked about our first date, I recounted a magical evening that ended with a walk around the Texas capitol building in Austin. I often laughed about the fact that I was limping the whole time because I'd recently had surgery on my foot. But later in my marriage, I changed the story slightly, always adding, "Of course, he didn't even notice."
Fight or Flight
When my husband and I first married, I felt lucky that we almost never fought. But studies show it's a mistake to judge the quality of a relationship by how much or how little you argue, particularly in the early years.
University of Washington researchers studied newlywed couples and learned, not surprisingly, that those who rarely argued were happier in the relationship than those who fought often. But three years later, the findings had reversed. Couples with an early history of bickering had worked out their problems and were more likely to be in stable marriages. The couples who'd avoided conflict early on were more likely to be in troubled relationships or already divorced.
Obviously, fighting that includes violence or verbal abuse is never acceptable. But most marital spats represent an opportunity to resolve conflicts and make things better. "We need to learn to tolerate conflict in our relationships," says Carolyn Cowan, a longtime marriage and family researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.
By Tara Parker-Pope
ARTICLE SOURCE
It turns out, though, that the signs of trouble had been there all along, if only I'd known what to look for. Instead, I was judging my marriage by the wrong standards—which, I've since learned, most of us do. In one now-famous study, researchers asked therapists, married couples, and others to watch videotaped conversations of ten couples and try to identify the relationships that had ultimately ended in divorce. The results were abysmal—even the therapists guessed wrong half the time.
So how can you diagnose the health of your relationship? Armed with huge volumes of data on married couples, scientists have identified some simple but powerful indicators that can help couples recognize marital strife long before their relationship hits the skids.
The Way You Were
Imagine a couple that go hiking on their first date. In a happy marriage, the wife might tell the story this way: "We got terribly lost that day. It took us hours to find our way back, but we laughed about how neither of us had a good sense of direction. After that, we knew better than to plan another hiking trip!"
But if the relationship was stressed, she might tell the story this way: "He lost the map, and it took hours to find our way back. After that, I never wanted to go hiking again." Same story, but instead of reflecting a sense of togetherness—using pronouns like "we" and "us"—it's laced with negativity. Research has shown that analyzing what's known as the marital narrative—the way you talk about the good and bad times of your early years together—is about 90 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will succeed or fail.
Had I been paying attention, my own how-we-met story could have told me a lot about how I was feeling in my marriage. Early in the relationship, when asked about our first date, I recounted a magical evening that ended with a walk around the Texas capitol building in Austin. I often laughed about the fact that I was limping the whole time because I'd recently had surgery on my foot. But later in my marriage, I changed the story slightly, always adding, "Of course, he didn't even notice."
Fight or Flight
When my husband and I first married, I felt lucky that we almost never fought. But studies show it's a mistake to judge the quality of a relationship by how much or how little you argue, particularly in the early years.
University of Washington researchers studied newlywed couples and learned, not surprisingly, that those who rarely argued were happier in the relationship than those who fought often. But three years later, the findings had reversed. Couples with an early history of bickering had worked out their problems and were more likely to be in stable marriages. The couples who'd avoided conflict early on were more likely to be in troubled relationships or already divorced.
Obviously, fighting that includes violence or verbal abuse is never acceptable. But most marital spats represent an opportunity to resolve conflicts and make things better. "We need to learn to tolerate conflict in our relationships," says Carolyn Cowan, a longtime marriage and family researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.
By Tara Parker-Pope
ARTICLE SOURCE
Monday, August 8, 2011
What's mine is mine and what's yours is...mine too!
“Is it dumb to trust the man you love? Is it dumb to believe him when he promises that he’ll be there for you no matter what?” ~Melanie Barnett
“It ain’t about whether you truth them. The only kind of trust that matters is a trust deed or a trust fund.” ~Tasha Mack
Season 1, Disk 3, Episode 2
At some point I thought that trust was enough to keep a relationship intact. The hopeless romantic in me genuinely thought that love and trust would always prevail in relationships. Unfortunately, reality has partially destroyed my idea of this ideal, semi-unrealistic world. There are so many people that enter relationships because of the possibility of gaining money, status, fame, etc. In today’s society, how does someone who is relatively wealthy or famous enter a relationship with someone that doesn’t have as many material/worldly goods, without thinking this new partner is in it to win it? Are pre-nuptual agreements more and more common? What would you think if your significant other required you to sign a pre-nup? If you are married or in a serious long-term relationship, how do you handle your household’s finances? Do you have completely separate accounts? One single account? Or one joint account for household expenses and personal accounts which you can use as you please? Is this method working well? Has it evolved over time?
A growing number of divorces are due to financial differences, whether it’s differences in current/future (even perceived) wealth, spending/saving habits and/or financial infidelity. Financial infidelity is when your partner is not being truthful about how they are handling the households finances. I am a huge saver and I like to spend when needed and on things that I feel will add value to my life (Travel, Education, small Luxuries). I can't see myself being with a person that is a huge spender because financial security is high on my priority list.
What would you do if you find out your partner has been committing financial infidelity. What if they are gambling your mutual money away? Spending money on things that you do not approve of? Not paying the bills on time or at all? Saving large sums of money without telling you (especially if you are struggling with your personal finances)? Would you feel betrayed/used? Would it be easy for you to trust him/her in the future with money? Would you consider splitting up?
How does money affect your relationship?
More on Financial Infidelity
More on Prenuptual Agreements
“It ain’t about whether you truth them. The only kind of trust that matters is a trust deed or a trust fund.” ~Tasha Mack
Season 1, Disk 3, Episode 2
At some point I thought that trust was enough to keep a relationship intact. The hopeless romantic in me genuinely thought that love and trust would always prevail in relationships. Unfortunately, reality has partially destroyed my idea of this ideal, semi-unrealistic world. There are so many people that enter relationships because of the possibility of gaining money, status, fame, etc. In today’s society, how does someone who is relatively wealthy or famous enter a relationship with someone that doesn’t have as many material/worldly goods, without thinking this new partner is in it to win it? Are pre-nuptual agreements more and more common? What would you think if your significant other required you to sign a pre-nup? If you are married or in a serious long-term relationship, how do you handle your household’s finances? Do you have completely separate accounts? One single account? Or one joint account for household expenses and personal accounts which you can use as you please? Is this method working well? Has it evolved over time?
A growing number of divorces are due to financial differences, whether it’s differences in current/future (even perceived) wealth, spending/saving habits and/or financial infidelity. Financial infidelity is when your partner is not being truthful about how they are handling the households finances. I am a huge saver and I like to spend when needed and on things that I feel will add value to my life (Travel, Education, small Luxuries). I can't see myself being with a person that is a huge spender because financial security is high on my priority list.
What would you do if you find out your partner has been committing financial infidelity. What if they are gambling your mutual money away? Spending money on things that you do not approve of? Not paying the bills on time or at all? Saving large sums of money without telling you (especially if you are struggling with your personal finances)? Would you feel betrayed/used? Would it be easy for you to trust him/her in the future with money? Would you consider splitting up?
How does money affect your relationship?
More on Financial Infidelity
More on Prenuptual Agreements
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Before we sleep together, you should know that I’m sick.*
An Ontario man convicted of first-degree murder in the deaths of two of his sexual partners through HIV transmission has been declared a dangerous offender. He was diagnosed with HIV in 1996 and had unprotected sex with 11 women without telling them he was HIV-positive. Seven of these women later tested positive for HIV and two later died of complications of AIDS.
When it comes to having sex for the first time, whose responsibility is it to discuss sexually transmitted diseases? If you are sick, would you willingly tell your soon-to-be sexual partner that they could potentially get sick? Is it considered (attempted) murder if you know you have HIV/AIDS but don’t tell your partner(s) and they later get sick or die? Is it your responsibility to ask your partner to get tested for your own safety or would it be your partners responsibility to put their business on blast from the very beginning?
What if the person that has a disease (and knows it) doesn’t say anything, but the other person still takes every precaution to stay safe, yet the condom breaks? What if you ask your partner to get tested and they show you false proof and you still get sick? There are so many scenarios that could take place, so is anyone ever safe?
Does it come down to your morals? If you don’t tell someone that you are sick, does that mean you have no morals and values?
In today’s society where cheating is (unfortunately) the norm, how do you tell your supposed monogamous partner that you would like both of you to get tested every 6-12 months? Would they get offended? Would the relationship be tarnished by this simple request? Is this something that is agreed to before the relationship really takes off? Or is it something that is discussed if you start seeing changes in your relationship (they come home later and later/receive messages at odd hours of the day/they become more secretive or defensive)? Or do you bring up recurring testing when you start itching and scratching a little too much down there? By then, is it too late?
My personal belief is that this man should be put in jail indefinitely. He is willingly spreading this horrible disease and should be stopped in his tracks. Just because he got the disease from someone else does not make it right/just that he bring others down with him. Some people may say it's the women's fault for not asking him to get tested or for not using protection, but I believe he could/should have been open about his status.
Also, I think diseases/testing, etc. should be discussed and taken care of before sexual intercourse begins. I would not consider it offensive if my partner asked me to get tested every 6-12 months or if they did for their own sanity. If someone happens to know that they have a sexual problem/disease, they should be open about their issues so that their partner can make an informed decision. It is better to know in advance and be able to make the right decisions, than to be presented with a negative circumstance that may affect you for the rest of life. As adults, we need to be responsible when it comes to sex. There is a great deal of information readily available and being open and honest with yourself and your partner may lead to a much more fulfilling sexual relationship.
Thoughts?
*Not a true statement, but it got your attention right! ;o)
When it comes to having sex for the first time, whose responsibility is it to discuss sexually transmitted diseases? If you are sick, would you willingly tell your soon-to-be sexual partner that they could potentially get sick? Is it considered (attempted) murder if you know you have HIV/AIDS but don’t tell your partner(s) and they later get sick or die? Is it your responsibility to ask your partner to get tested for your own safety or would it be your partners responsibility to put their business on blast from the very beginning?
What if the person that has a disease (and knows it) doesn’t say anything, but the other person still takes every precaution to stay safe, yet the condom breaks? What if you ask your partner to get tested and they show you false proof and you still get sick? There are so many scenarios that could take place, so is anyone ever safe?
Does it come down to your morals? If you don’t tell someone that you are sick, does that mean you have no morals and values?
In today’s society where cheating is (unfortunately) the norm, how do you tell your supposed monogamous partner that you would like both of you to get tested every 6-12 months? Would they get offended? Would the relationship be tarnished by this simple request? Is this something that is agreed to before the relationship really takes off? Or is it something that is discussed if you start seeing changes in your relationship (they come home later and later/receive messages at odd hours of the day/they become more secretive or defensive)? Or do you bring up recurring testing when you start itching and scratching a little too much down there? By then, is it too late?
My personal belief is that this man should be put in jail indefinitely. He is willingly spreading this horrible disease and should be stopped in his tracks. Just because he got the disease from someone else does not make it right/just that he bring others down with him. Some people may say it's the women's fault for not asking him to get tested or for not using protection, but I believe he could/should have been open about his status.
Also, I think diseases/testing, etc. should be discussed and taken care of before sexual intercourse begins. I would not consider it offensive if my partner asked me to get tested every 6-12 months or if they did for their own sanity. If someone happens to know that they have a sexual problem/disease, they should be open about their issues so that their partner can make an informed decision. It is better to know in advance and be able to make the right decisions, than to be presented with a negative circumstance that may affect you for the rest of life. As adults, we need to be responsible when it comes to sex. There is a great deal of information readily available and being open and honest with yourself and your partner may lead to a much more fulfilling sexual relationship.
Thoughts?
*Not a true statement, but it got your attention right! ;o)
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