Can you believe it, she lied to me?! She told me she was going out to the grocery store, but she met up for lunch with that ex-boyfriend of hers I can’t stand! Why couldn’t she simply tell me the truth? Why does she have to hang out with him anymore when she promised me she wouldn’t? Is she cheating on me with him? Do I have to start looking through her phone and e-mail account?
After all these years, of me trusting him and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I just found out he has been living a double life for the past year. He has been sleeping around and dating someone I did not even know existed! How could he do this to me? How am I ever going to trust him again? How am I ever going to trust anyone after this?
My friend told me he saw her at the club on Friday night. He said she was dancing with a lot of different guys and I felt like such an ass when I found out. I didn’t even know what to say. It turned out she went dancing with her friends after she told me she was tired and wanted to stay home. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if she would have just told me the truth from the get.
Have you or someone you know ever been faced with a situation where the person you thought you trusted (your significant other, a friend, a family member) turned out to be either lying, cheating, stealing or doing you wrong in some way? Did you confront them about it? Did you break up with them? Did you break-up and get back together, only to realize that it was insignificant and that your relationship is worth so much more? Or did you get back together to realize that since the trust had been broken, it was impossible to gain it back? How does someone overcome the pain after their trust has been broken? Is it possible to forgive AND forget? Trust is easy to lose and hard (not impossible) to regain.
There are MANY success stories on regaining trust and moving past the hurt after one (or both) of the partners in the relationship is unfaithful/untruthful. How do these relationships succeed? How do they overcome the hurdle of building back a shattered heart and climbing the tall, winding ladder of trust yet again? It is definitely not something that happens overnight; it can actually be a very difficult task! It takes time, dedication, patience, honesty, commitment, love, forgiveness and hard work, but in the long run, you and your partner may look back and laugh about the situation that may have been quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
The most important first step is the decision to LET GO. Let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. It’s not healthy to hold a grudge or keep bringing up the past when trying to move forward in the relationship. You must decide to forgive the other person. It may be hard, if not impossible to FORGET the action(s) that your partner may have taken, but you must FORGIVE them. The next step is to make sure whatever took place will not happen again. If you cheated, try not to put yourself in places/positions where you will be tempted to cheat again. Do your best to say the truth at all times as you would like your partner to be truthful to you. Be open and honest with your partner; do not hold secrets from your partner as they may come to find out the truths you are keeping from them and it will be more difficult than it would have been had you told them the truth/secret in the first place. Remember Communication is KEY!!!
You will want to set some goals on how to keep your relationship/marriage/friendship on the right track. How do you want to progress? What changes do you want to make? What adjustments do you want them to make? Make sure these mutually agreed upon goals/promises are reasonable and explicitly clear. At this point both of you must keep in mind that “breaking a promise while trying to rebuild trust can do even more damage than the original transgression. Breaking a promise at this time shows that even when on your best behavior you cannot keep your word - you cannot be trusted. If you break a promise, the whole process has to start again and it will take a lot more time to fix.” (3)
It is important to understand where one another are coming from. Try to put yourself in your partners’ shoes. How would you have felt if they were unfaithful to you? How would you have reacted if they lied to you or stole something from you? Share one another’s pain, LISTEN effectively and empathize with the struggles each of you face in the situation. When speaking to one another, try not to blame one another for what has happened by using non-blaming “I” statements and if possible, stay away from “always,” “must,” “never” or “should” statements as well. These “finger-pointing” statements can elevate the conversation to a place you do not want it to go to. Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Try not to dwell on the betrayal, but understand that your partner needs open and honest answers to their questions about what transpired. Giving an explanation for one's behavior is important when trying to rebuild trust. Partners need to understand why things happened the way they did - without a reasonable explanation, partners often feel out-of-control and it is much harder for them to move on. Lastly, get counseling as needed or have a mediator (third party) listen and provide un-biased opinions on how to move forward. Having your mother or best friend involved is not a good choice, but a psychologist or educated professional could listen to the dilemma and both sides of the story which may bring about positive results.
At the end of the day, keep the Golden Rule in mind…”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Good luck and just remember that anything is possible if you set your mind to it! You just somehow have to make it work…
Resources:
(1) http://www.about.com;
(2) http://womentodaymagazine.com;
(3) http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
"The grass is always greener on the other side"...
"The grass is always greener on the other side"...{Jay Z featured in Usher's song titled "Best Thing"}
Or is it?!
You think you've got it bad because she's over emotional, his breath isn't always minty fresh, her family is a little strange, he doesn't pick up after himself when he gets home from work, she shops too much, he is not financially savvy, her butt is not round enough, he dresses like a dork, she flirts too much, he has to any female friends, or this and that, and the list is never ending really. There will always be a little something that you wish could be different about the person you are with. So you happen to notice someone else that may have a bigger butt, who is always dressed to the nines and/or wears cologne/perfume all the time, someone who may have the perfect job, or just seems like they've got everything together. ''Seems'' is the operative word here because guess what?? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. You could either end it with your current partner and start fresh with someone else who will eventually show their true colors, or you could communicate your concerns and constructive criticism to your partner and try to work through it.
At the end of the day, do you just take anyone as long as they're different, or do you make it work?
Ne-yo sings a great song called ''Make it Work'' which describes this situation perfectly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0V2tKhnzDY
Below are incredible lyrics:
Ooh uh ooh,ooh uh ooh yeih yeh
You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately that’s enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
That’s a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves (hey)
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words
You was looking for your prince, ooh
What you found (what u found)
Is a pauper with potential
And no, I'm nowhere near perfect…NO
But I'm around (but I’m around)
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Thick and thin, (ooh)
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours, and yours are mine
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt (guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Or is it?!
You think you've got it bad because she's over emotional, his breath isn't always minty fresh, her family is a little strange, he doesn't pick up after himself when he gets home from work, she shops too much, he is not financially savvy, her butt is not round enough, he dresses like a dork, she flirts too much, he has to any female friends, or this and that, and the list is never ending really. There will always be a little something that you wish could be different about the person you are with. So you happen to notice someone else that may have a bigger butt, who is always dressed to the nines and/or wears cologne/perfume all the time, someone who may have the perfect job, or just seems like they've got everything together. ''Seems'' is the operative word here because guess what?? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. You could either end it with your current partner and start fresh with someone else who will eventually show their true colors, or you could communicate your concerns and constructive criticism to your partner and try to work through it.
At the end of the day, do you just take anyone as long as they're different, or do you make it work?
Ne-yo sings a great song called ''Make it Work'' which describes this situation perfectly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0V2tKhnzDY
Below are incredible lyrics:
Ooh uh ooh,ooh uh ooh yeih yeh
You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately that’s enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
That’s a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves (hey)
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words
You was looking for your prince, ooh
What you found (what u found)
Is a pauper with potential
And no, I'm nowhere near perfect…NO
But I'm around (but I’m around)
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Thick and thin, (ooh)
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours, and yours are mine
This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt (guess sometimes it’s gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Ending a Relationship
Moving On
It may be time to move on from a relationship when
• Unhappiness with the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.
• There is unresolved conflict.
• You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.
• It seems as though trust cannot be rebuilt.
• You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else.
Some individuals stay in a relationship because they are afraid to be alone—even when there are no feelings of love for the other person. Using a relationship as a security blanket to protect you from loneliness isn't fair to the other person and doesn't give you an opportunity to grow, learn about yourself, and find out what you need. If you're in that type of situation, ending the relationship might be best for you and your partner.
Ending a Relationship
Ending a relationship is a hard thing to do. There could be feelings of guilt, fear of emotionally hurting your partner, fear that your partner may take it the wrong way, or it could be that feeling of wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship.
Although ending a relationship is easy for some, for others it can be a difficult thing. If you feel it is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on. Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's life. If ending a relationship is the best thing for you, then it will also be the best thing for your partner.
Some Tips
• Be honest—with yourself and your partner.
• Be respectful—end it clearly and compassionately.
• Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what is going on. Explain the situation and your feelings fully.
• Explain how you want the relationship to end (friendship, no contact, etc.).
When the Love Bug Strikes Again
Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, use what you have learned in the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different—with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between one relationship and your current situation will help you focus on the benefits you're experiencing today.
Relationships are a healthy part of life. Enjoy it when it is right for you and when it is not, don't worry. The best is yet to come!
If Abuse Is Involved
With the term abusive, many individuals think of being hit or punched, but abuse can come in many forms—from verbal abuse to preventing other friendships and activities. Sometimes it is difficult for the person in the relationship to realize that it is abusive. Some of the following questions may help you assess your relationship:
• Does your partner reduce your self-esteem?
• Do you feel threatened or afraid of your partner at any time?
• Does your partner try to control your decisions and your life?
• Have you lost all your friends because of this relationship?
• Has your partner ever hit you, pushed you, or forced you to have sex?
If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to speak with a professional about your relationship.
Source: University of Georgia Health Center. (Updated 2004, July 14). Relationships: Ending a relationship. Retrieved September 24, 2007, from http://www.uhs.uga.edu
It may be time to move on from a relationship when
• Unhappiness with the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.
• There is unresolved conflict.
• You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.
• It seems as though trust cannot be rebuilt.
• You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else.
Some individuals stay in a relationship because they are afraid to be alone—even when there are no feelings of love for the other person. Using a relationship as a security blanket to protect you from loneliness isn't fair to the other person and doesn't give you an opportunity to grow, learn about yourself, and find out what you need. If you're in that type of situation, ending the relationship might be best for you and your partner.
Ending a Relationship
Ending a relationship is a hard thing to do. There could be feelings of guilt, fear of emotionally hurting your partner, fear that your partner may take it the wrong way, or it could be that feeling of wondering if you did everything possible to save the relationship.
Although ending a relationship is easy for some, for others it can be a difficult thing. If you feel it is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on. Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's life. If ending a relationship is the best thing for you, then it will also be the best thing for your partner.
Some Tips
• Be honest—with yourself and your partner.
• Be respectful—end it clearly and compassionately.
• Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what is going on. Explain the situation and your feelings fully.
• Explain how you want the relationship to end (friendship, no contact, etc.).
When the Love Bug Strikes Again
Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, use what you have learned in the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different—with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between one relationship and your current situation will help you focus on the benefits you're experiencing today.
Relationships are a healthy part of life. Enjoy it when it is right for you and when it is not, don't worry. The best is yet to come!
If Abuse Is Involved
With the term abusive, many individuals think of being hit or punched, but abuse can come in many forms—from verbal abuse to preventing other friendships and activities. Sometimes it is difficult for the person in the relationship to realize that it is abusive. Some of the following questions may help you assess your relationship:
• Does your partner reduce your self-esteem?
• Do you feel threatened or afraid of your partner at any time?
• Does your partner try to control your decisions and your life?
• Have you lost all your friends because of this relationship?
• Has your partner ever hit you, pushed you, or forced you to have sex?
If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may want to speak with a professional about your relationship.
Source: University of Georgia Health Center. (Updated 2004, July 14). Relationships: Ending a relationship. Retrieved September 24, 2007, from http://www.uhs.uga.edu
Monday, October 20, 2008
Why do we compare ourselves?
"She's shiny hair, Style section, Vera Wang, and I'm, you know, the sex column they run next to the ads for Penile implants." {Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 3, Episode 33 "Attack of the Five Foot Ten Woman"}
Why is it that after a break-up, some people compare themselves to their ex's new found significant other? In this particular episode, Carrie noticed an article in the newspaper about Mr. Big's wedding to Natasha. She was upset that Big was now married, after he told her he was not ready to get married, but, the truth is that she was more upset about him being married to Natasha. Why?! Because she was young, beautiful, tall, etc.? But Carrie has so many great qualities, she is amazing, yet she diminishes herself because someone else conquered the man she is in love with.
Why do people torture themselves this way? It's like they are trying to prove themselves to someone else. Or is it that they are trying to prove themselves to themselves?
When you firmly believe that it cannot work out between you and your significant other, why does it still bother you that they are with someone else? Or does it hurt more when someone breaks up with you and then runs off with another? What about when you break-up with someone, knowing you still love them, and then see that they are moving on? Is there still a burning inside? Why? Especially when you are the one that cut it off, why do you compare yourself to the new person in your ex's life? If you did not want to be with them in the first place, why does it matter that they have sound someone new?
In Carrie's case, Mr. Big broke her heart, moved to Paris and immediately got married to someone else. In her mind, she is left wondering "Why?". Why would he tell her he loved her, yet could not be with her and then live the life she wanted to live with him, with another woman? Why? The only thing left for Carrie to do, is compare, wonder, ask...why?...then, she must move on.
Why is it that after a break-up, some people compare themselves to their ex's new found significant other? In this particular episode, Carrie noticed an article in the newspaper about Mr. Big's wedding to Natasha. She was upset that Big was now married, after he told her he was not ready to get married, but, the truth is that she was more upset about him being married to Natasha. Why?! Because she was young, beautiful, tall, etc.? But Carrie has so many great qualities, she is amazing, yet she diminishes herself because someone else conquered the man she is in love with.
Why do people torture themselves this way? It's like they are trying to prove themselves to someone else. Or is it that they are trying to prove themselves to themselves?
When you firmly believe that it cannot work out between you and your significant other, why does it still bother you that they are with someone else? Or does it hurt more when someone breaks up with you and then runs off with another? What about when you break-up with someone, knowing you still love them, and then see that they are moving on? Is there still a burning inside? Why? Especially when you are the one that cut it off, why do you compare yourself to the new person in your ex's life? If you did not want to be with them in the first place, why does it matter that they have sound someone new?
In Carrie's case, Mr. Big broke her heart, moved to Paris and immediately got married to someone else. In her mind, she is left wondering "Why?". Why would he tell her he loved her, yet could not be with her and then live the life she wanted to live with him, with another woman? Why? The only thing left for Carrie to do, is compare, wonder, ask...why?...then, she must move on.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Are you terrified of being tied down?
"I was the one who tied myself to a man that was terrified of being tied down." {Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, Season 2, Episode 24 "La Douleur Exquise!"}
Are you the person who keeps trying to make a relationship work, when it is obvious the other person does not want to be tied down? The other person is clearly saying they want to be in an open relationship or does not want a title, but you want to have a name...a ring...a license of some sort.
Or are you the one that is afraid to death of being with ONE person? (Oh my?!) Do you not see marriage in your future? Do you just like to sleep around? Are you a swinger? Do you enjoy the excitement of something new every couple of days/weeks/months/sizes/shapes/colors? Why do you shun commitment?
Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
The Timing Is Off
Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future -- at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty. Single women get serious when they meet the right man. Single men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).
But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt -- like Patrick, 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."
We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.
We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak out and bail."
We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.
So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."
We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.
Are You About to Be Jilted?
*His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.
*He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's thinking about making a break for it.
*He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you break up with them.
*He's distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you -- or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.
By: Cosmopolitan
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24081/dating-101-why-guys-dump-girls-they-dig
Are you the person who keeps trying to make a relationship work, when it is obvious the other person does not want to be tied down? The other person is clearly saying they want to be in an open relationship or does not want a title, but you want to have a name...a ring...a license of some sort.
Or are you the one that is afraid to death of being with ONE person? (Oh my?!) Do you not see marriage in your future? Do you just like to sleep around? Are you a swinger? Do you enjoy the excitement of something new every couple of days/weeks/months/sizes/shapes/colors? Why do you shun commitment?
Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig
The Timing Is Off
Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future -- at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty. Single women get serious when they meet the right man. Single men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).
But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt -- like Patrick, 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind."
We're Not Finished Playing the Field
Single men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new attractive woman, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out."
In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many relationship conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it -- I know the exact number of girls I've dated, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.
We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario
From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled "Evidence She'll Change for the Worse." We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single men are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things that might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is complain about how the romance takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is gorgeous, I freak out and bail."
We're in Like, Not in Love
It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because we had fun together and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.
So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me."
We're Too into You
Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"
Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.
Are You About to Be Jilted?
*His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about... or he just doesn't want to make himself available.
*He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything -- even if it's in the semi-near future -- he's thinking about making a break for it.
*He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into whiners to make sure you break up with them.
*He's distant. He doesn't want to feel connected to you -- or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else.
By: Cosmopolitan
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24081/dating-101-why-guys-dump-girls-they-dig
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Get your Filthy paws off what's mine!!
"If I want it, I can take you from your man, with my eyes closed. I can have you eating out of the palm of my hand and all your little girlfriends too..." {Usher, "If I Want to," see video below}
A good friend of mine frequently says the following phrase: "Shortiez iz ill" (In my eyes, this should refer to both men and women.)
Even when a woman knows that a man is taken, why does she do anything in her power to steal him away from his rightful owner? Have you ever been the man in this type of situation? Or are you a man that has tried/are trying to steal the love of a woman that is already involved with someone else? Or the woman in that situation...torn between two men that please you only 50% each? Do you ever think that if someone is capable of cheating on someone else to be with you, that they would do the same thing to you, with someone else? Why do you always go after someone that is already taken?
I have heard that sometimes the mistress/mister-ess (I just made that word up) in this side-ways three-some believes that they are not to blame. Some believe that the man/woman who is willfully cheating on his/her wife/partner is the one at fault. Others feel that the person being cheated on is at fault for not being available emotionally/physically/mentally to the cheater. Call me crazy, but isn't it true that if the mistress/mister-ess would not exist, the act would not have taken place?
Well, then the mister/mistress that is initiating conversation with a married person & or the b-word that sees allllll the facebook/myspace pictures of the happy couple, but still flirts & tries to sleep with the man in the pictures is to blame. It doesn't matter if the guy says he & his lady are having issues. BACK UP until they are officially no longer together. STAY AWAY from him so you don't add to the problem. This equation already has too many variables and YOU should not be one of them. Don't you know he is not leaving his lady to be with you?! If he is weak and he does have you as a side piece, you will continue to be a side piece until he gets tired of you and your "when are you going to leave her to be with me drama?" Get over yourself and look for a man that is SINGLE. Did you ever hear of KARMA? They say it's a biatch and it will sooner or later come knocking at your door….most likely when you think you are in a healthy, loving relationship. You will turn around one day and realize that the love of your life, which you have never cheated on (because you changed), was living a double life. Keep that in mind the next time you see yourself flirting with fire.
Okay, so back to the drawing board…who is really to blame when someone cheats? Imagine if you will, a simple bank robbery, where there is a driver, the person with a gun that will actually perform the robbery, a look out person or two (inside & outside of the bank), and a back-up robber that maybe holds one of the money bags. Just for kicks lets throw in a bank teller who is actually involved by telling the robber when the security guard goes on break, where all of the security cameras are and who is maybe the first teller the robber confronts. Aren’t all of these people guilty (if found out)? So, if someone cheats, is it the cheaters fault for actually committing the crime, the victim (the one being cheated on) for not being 100% available to your significant other, the 3rd party (the driver, the look-out, the bank teller, the enemy climbing into the bed of someone in a relationship), or is everyone guilty of the crime?
Thoughts?
Below are interesting snippets obtained from Oprah.com where the "Other Woman" speaks out:
The "Other Woman" Speaks Out
It's the side of infidelity we rarely get to hear about-from the "other woman."
Sarah says she met one of the married men she dated at a business dinner. "He was a very distinguished businessman, high-profile, a lot older than me," she says. "He pursued me very hard. He would phone me constantly, text messaging and calling." She says she's since dated "countless" other married men.
Melissa was married when she began seeing a married man she met in a coffee shop. "My husband thought our marriage was fine," she says. "I was always wanting an upgrade."
Crystal, who says she's dated two married men, says that one man would buy her lingerie and they'd meet at her apartment. "He would really like for me to be sexy for him," she says. "I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that."
Michelle says she began seeing a man in Las Vegas almost seven years ago. He was also seeing a long-time girlfriend, whom he eventually married. After a brief breakup, Michelle started seeing him again-and they're still dating. At first, it was strictly a physical relationship, Michelle says, but when she later moved to his town, the affair became emotional as well. "We ended up spending a lot more time together, so I got to know him at a deeper level. It was more about who he was, what he wanted, and it was a lot more intimate than it had been."
After her initial meeting in the coffeeshop, Melissa says her affair continued, and they'd see each other three or four times a week. "The kids had soccer practice. I'd drop them off and run down to our spot," she says. "It was shielded by trees up above a road so it was completely secluded."
Crystal says when the man she was having an affair with told her about his home life, he made it sound like he wanted to leave. She says he told her the cost of divorce and alimony was holding him back. "I had fairy tale dreams of us being a power couple, being a well-kept wife, and having the big home and fancy cars and a big diamond ring," she says. "But it was never going to be a reality."
Sarah says she heard a similar story from her lover. "He wanted a future with me-so much so that he gave me a budget to go and look at properties, talked about settling down, talked about how he would explain to his other half that he was leaving, and when he was going to do it. He even rehearsed what he was going to say in front of me," she says. "Of course nothing happened-he couldn't leave her."
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_rel_20071019_350?cnn=yes
Usher, "If I Want to":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrA0BmprIiU
A good friend of mine frequently says the following phrase: "Shortiez iz ill" (In my eyes, this should refer to both men and women.)
Even when a woman knows that a man is taken, why does she do anything in her power to steal him away from his rightful owner? Have you ever been the man in this type of situation? Or are you a man that has tried/are trying to steal the love of a woman that is already involved with someone else? Or the woman in that situation...torn between two men that please you only 50% each? Do you ever think that if someone is capable of cheating on someone else to be with you, that they would do the same thing to you, with someone else? Why do you always go after someone that is already taken?
I have heard that sometimes the mistress/mister-ess (I just made that word up) in this side-ways three-some believes that they are not to blame. Some believe that the man/woman who is willfully cheating on his/her wife/partner is the one at fault. Others feel that the person being cheated on is at fault for not being available emotionally/physically/mentally to the cheater. Call me crazy, but isn't it true that if the mistress/mister-ess would not exist, the act would not have taken place?
Well, then the mister/mistress that is initiating conversation with a married person & or the b-word that sees allllll the facebook/myspace pictures of the happy couple, but still flirts & tries to sleep with the man in the pictures is to blame. It doesn't matter if the guy says he & his lady are having issues. BACK UP until they are officially no longer together. STAY AWAY from him so you don't add to the problem. This equation already has too many variables and YOU should not be one of them. Don't you know he is not leaving his lady to be with you?! If he is weak and he does have you as a side piece, you will continue to be a side piece until he gets tired of you and your "when are you going to leave her to be with me drama?" Get over yourself and look for a man that is SINGLE. Did you ever hear of KARMA? They say it's a biatch and it will sooner or later come knocking at your door….most likely when you think you are in a healthy, loving relationship. You will turn around one day and realize that the love of your life, which you have never cheated on (because you changed), was living a double life. Keep that in mind the next time you see yourself flirting with fire.
Okay, so back to the drawing board…who is really to blame when someone cheats? Imagine if you will, a simple bank robbery, where there is a driver, the person with a gun that will actually perform the robbery, a look out person or two (inside & outside of the bank), and a back-up robber that maybe holds one of the money bags. Just for kicks lets throw in a bank teller who is actually involved by telling the robber when the security guard goes on break, where all of the security cameras are and who is maybe the first teller the robber confronts. Aren’t all of these people guilty (if found out)? So, if someone cheats, is it the cheaters fault for actually committing the crime, the victim (the one being cheated on) for not being 100% available to your significant other, the 3rd party (the driver, the look-out, the bank teller, the enemy climbing into the bed of someone in a relationship), or is everyone guilty of the crime?
Thoughts?
Below are interesting snippets obtained from Oprah.com where the "Other Woman" speaks out:
The "Other Woman" Speaks Out
It's the side of infidelity we rarely get to hear about-from the "other woman."
Sarah says she met one of the married men she dated at a business dinner. "He was a very distinguished businessman, high-profile, a lot older than me," she says. "He pursued me very hard. He would phone me constantly, text messaging and calling." She says she's since dated "countless" other married men.
Melissa was married when she began seeing a married man she met in a coffee shop. "My husband thought our marriage was fine," she says. "I was always wanting an upgrade."
Crystal, who says she's dated two married men, says that one man would buy her lingerie and they'd meet at her apartment. "He would really like for me to be sexy for him," she says. "I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that."
Michelle says she began seeing a man in Las Vegas almost seven years ago. He was also seeing a long-time girlfriend, whom he eventually married. After a brief breakup, Michelle started seeing him again-and they're still dating. At first, it was strictly a physical relationship, Michelle says, but when she later moved to his town, the affair became emotional as well. "We ended up spending a lot more time together, so I got to know him at a deeper level. It was more about who he was, what he wanted, and it was a lot more intimate than it had been."
After her initial meeting in the coffeeshop, Melissa says her affair continued, and they'd see each other three or four times a week. "The kids had soccer practice. I'd drop them off and run down to our spot," she says. "It was shielded by trees up above a road so it was completely secluded."
Crystal says when the man she was having an affair with told her about his home life, he made it sound like he wanted to leave. She says he told her the cost of divorce and alimony was holding him back. "I had fairy tale dreams of us being a power couple, being a well-kept wife, and having the big home and fancy cars and a big diamond ring," she says. "But it was never going to be a reality."
Sarah says she heard a similar story from her lover. "He wanted a future with me-so much so that he gave me a budget to go and look at properties, talked about settling down, talked about how he would explain to his other half that he was leaving, and when he was going to do it. He even rehearsed what he was going to say in front of me," she says. "Of course nothing happened-he couldn't leave her."
http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_rel_20071019_350?cnn=yes
Usher, "If I Want to":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrA0BmprIiU
Monday, October 6, 2008
Besides sex -- other reasons men cheat
This is a very interesting article sent to me from a dear friend. It was posted on Oprah.com on October 3, 2008 ("The Oprah Winfrey Show"). Do you have any thoughts in it??
***************
In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it.
Gary documented these findings -- and many others -- in a groundbreaking new book. To write "The Truth About Cheating," Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.
Gary says his work as a marriage counselor inspired him to write this book. "For over 20 years, [I've been] living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.
"You want to help children of divorce? I said, 'Well, let's get really down and dirty and find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better.'"
Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women.
"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."
Top reason for cheating?
What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."
Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."
With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself.
"[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."
Men have a winning mentality, Gary says. Just think about how the men in your life act while watching their favorite sports teams.
"They love to win," Gary says. "Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.' Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I'm not saying it's her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they're winning with the things that they do for you."
Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
Is cheater choosing prettier women?
How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.
For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear -- you name it -- before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it -- even though it was the worst decision of my life."
Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds.
"Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."
How often do men confess to cheating on before being caught?
Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary's study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. "I kind of tell people, 'If you're going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,'" Gary says.
In 2004, Colleen discovered that her husband, Scott, was having an affair and says she caught him several times. The first time she says she caught Scott was on Father's Day when the other woman called the house.
"I was standing there right with him in the kitchen so I heard her, and she said, 'Are you okay? Are you okay? Hang in there,'" Colleen says. "He tried to tell me it was a dispatcher from work and that was very suspicious."
Colleen says Scott's affair was painful, but the lying was worse. "When you've been married for so long and you trust someone so much and they look you right in the eye and they're telling you a lie, it takes a lot to move past that," she says.
Gary says Colleen's desire to believe her husband is common. "The problem is that that's the moment where every woman has to look at her husband and say, simply, 'Look. The fact [is] that I think you may be cheating. I'll trust you at your word. I've got no choice. But there's something wrong with us.'" Gary says.
Although he felt connected to his wife, Scott says he started to feel insecure when Colleen's mother passed away.
"I felt powerless; I didn't feel able to talk with my wife," he says. "Looking back on it, I felt that it transferred onto our relationship when it really didn't. She was really looking for me to be that strong point and I kind of walked away from it because of the insecurities I was feeling and the challenges we were facing in our marriage at the time and my abilities to be able to love her as a husband."
Just as the little things are often signs that something is wrong, the little things can also help rebuild relationships, Gary says. For example, if a man tries to make breakfast and burns the toast, Gary suggests staying positive.
"[Men] want to feel like they're pleasing their wives... When you give him the message mainly that you screwed up, then believe it or not, it makes him feel insecure. [He thinks,] 'I can't win,'" Gary says. "Engender the good feeling of the trying and the effort that he's made. That's where the love really is."
Katherine calls in to ask Gary about her suspicions that her husband cheated on her.
"One night I saw his phone on the counter and I looked at it, and it somehow came right to this picture of him naked and aroused from the waist down... I asked him about it. He denied anything. He said he took the picture to send to me, which I know is a big fat lie because I wouldn't approve. And so that was one thing. And then I've also seen e-mails from women from Russia, wanting him to be their lovers."
Katherine says she has tried tracking him with a GPS unit and installing spyware on his computer, but he found both and disabled them. Gary says Katherine should try getting him to submit to a lie detector test.
"Obviously we all think here that he's up to no good," Gary says. "The question, Katherine, that you have to face, and this is hard for a woman: Do you want to know?"
Gary says the truth can be very difficult for women to face because it could be the end of their marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. Gary says the cheater's lying is really the ultimate betrayal.
"I say to men, look, do yourself a bigger favor, be honest with your wife when you're just beginning to get interested in somebody else. Sit down with your wife and say, 'Listen. Something is wrong,'" Gary says.
If you suspect your husband is cheating, Gary says there are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state.
Brian and Anne say they never thought they would have to deal with an affair in their marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night. Yet Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work.
"I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair," Brian says.
Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. "And then you develop some sort of a connection with them through some sort of common interest," he says. "I didn't choose to go have an affair. It just sort of happened."
Gary says Brian is right that most men meet the person they have an affair with in one of two places -- at work or through a hobby. "It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband."
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/03/o.why.men.cheat/index.html
***************
In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, it's estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat -- and most of their wives will never know about it.
Gary documented these findings -- and many others -- in a groundbreaking new book. To write "The Truth About Cheating," Gary surveyed hundreds of faithful and cheating husbands to uncover the real reason some men stray.
Gary says his work as a marriage counselor inspired him to write this book. "For over 20 years, [I've been] living along with women, counseling, seeing the devastation and how overwhelming it is when they are cheated on and what it subsequently does to the children and the family," he says.
"You want to help children of divorce? I said, 'Well, let's get really down and dirty and find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better.'"
Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women.
"It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."
Top reason for cheating?
What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.
"The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."
Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."
With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself.
"[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."
Men have a winning mentality, Gary says. Just think about how the men in your life act while watching their favorite sports teams.
"They love to win," Gary says. "Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.' Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I'm not saying it's her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they're winning with the things that they do for you."
Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."
Is cheater choosing prettier women?
How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who's more attractive? Not as often as you may think. Gary found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.
For the first five years of his marriage, AJ says things were rocky with his wife, Janet. "We got to the point where we were really living in separate parts of the house. I went downstairs every time I came home from work," he says. "So when somebody else took an interest in me and was interested in what I did, interested in my job, interested in what I wear -- you name it -- before I had the self-awareness to understand my vulnerabilities and take responsibility, I liked it -- even though it was the worst decision of my life."
Every couple will eventually face certain life changes, but Gary urges couples to think back about the interest they took in one another when they were first dating or newlyweds.
"Everybody deserves that. Everybody wants that," Gary says. "Because it's not about the sex, what everyone's been made to believe. Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and warm and give you that extra little pump and that extra kindness and hang on your words."
How often do men confess to cheating on before being caught?
Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary's study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. "I kind of tell people, 'If you're going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds,'" Gary says.
In 2004, Colleen discovered that her husband, Scott, was having an affair and says she caught him several times. The first time she says she caught Scott was on Father's Day when the other woman called the house.
"I was standing there right with him in the kitchen so I heard her, and she said, 'Are you okay? Are you okay? Hang in there,'" Colleen says. "He tried to tell me it was a dispatcher from work and that was very suspicious."
Colleen says Scott's affair was painful, but the lying was worse. "When you've been married for so long and you trust someone so much and they look you right in the eye and they're telling you a lie, it takes a lot to move past that," she says.
Gary says Colleen's desire to believe her husband is common. "The problem is that that's the moment where every woman has to look at her husband and say, simply, 'Look. The fact [is] that I think you may be cheating. I'll trust you at your word. I've got no choice. But there's something wrong with us.'" Gary says.
Although he felt connected to his wife, Scott says he started to feel insecure when Colleen's mother passed away.
"I felt powerless; I didn't feel able to talk with my wife," he says. "Looking back on it, I felt that it transferred onto our relationship when it really didn't. She was really looking for me to be that strong point and I kind of walked away from it because of the insecurities I was feeling and the challenges we were facing in our marriage at the time and my abilities to be able to love her as a husband."
Just as the little things are often signs that something is wrong, the little things can also help rebuild relationships, Gary says. For example, if a man tries to make breakfast and burns the toast, Gary suggests staying positive.
"[Men] want to feel like they're pleasing their wives... When you give him the message mainly that you screwed up, then believe it or not, it makes him feel insecure. [He thinks,] 'I can't win,'" Gary says. "Engender the good feeling of the trying and the effort that he's made. That's where the love really is."
Katherine calls in to ask Gary about her suspicions that her husband cheated on her.
"One night I saw his phone on the counter and I looked at it, and it somehow came right to this picture of him naked and aroused from the waist down... I asked him about it. He denied anything. He said he took the picture to send to me, which I know is a big fat lie because I wouldn't approve. And so that was one thing. And then I've also seen e-mails from women from Russia, wanting him to be their lovers."
Katherine says she has tried tracking him with a GPS unit and installing spyware on his computer, but he found both and disabled them. Gary says Katherine should try getting him to submit to a lie detector test.
"Obviously we all think here that he's up to no good," Gary says. "The question, Katherine, that you have to face, and this is hard for a woman: Do you want to know?"
Gary says the truth can be very difficult for women to face because it could be the end of their marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. Gary says the cheater's lying is really the ultimate betrayal.
"I say to men, look, do yourself a bigger favor, be honest with your wife when you're just beginning to get interested in somebody else. Sit down with your wife and say, 'Listen. Something is wrong,'" Gary says.
If you suspect your husband is cheating, Gary says there are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state.
Brian and Anne say they never thought they would have to deal with an affair in their marriage. Anne says Brian was never gone in the evenings, they were emotionally connected, and they had sex every night. Yet Brian was secretly having an affair on his lunch hour at work.
"I was always under the belief that affairs happened to people in either bad marriages or where there's no sex going on. And because we had both of those things, I was really unaware of how easily I could slip into an affair," Brian says.
Brian says he started having his affair with a person who at first was just a friend. "And then you develop some sort of a connection with them through some sort of common interest," he says. "I didn't choose to go have an affair. It just sort of happened."
Gary says Brian is right that most men meet the person they have an affair with in one of two places -- at work or through a hobby. "It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband."
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/10/03/o.why.men.cheat/index.html
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Prophet on Love
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, written in 1923, includes an amazing chapter on Love...
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Kahlil Gibran-The Prophet
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Kahlil Gibran-The Prophet
The Ghosts...
“When relationships die, do we ever really give up the spirit of it, or are we forever haunted by the ghost of those relationships?” ~Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City}
Why is it that after certain break-ups, the 'Ghost of Christmas Past' frequently appears? Every time you listen to a certain song, when you are in a specific place, when someone that doesn't know that you and your other half are no longer 'one' happens to ask about your partner; certain holidays seem empty; special occasions no longer seem special. Why?!
Is it possible to simply delete history with a click of a button? How do you erase the memories? If you don't, do you only think about the good times & when the 'Ghost of Christmas’s to Come' appears, you can't help but wonder what could have/would have/should have been? Or do you condition yourself to only think about the few negative aspects of your relationship to ease the pain? Are you dooming yourself to continued failure if you don't delete, erase, burn, hide anything that reminds you of that person?
Even if the relationship ends on a bad note, how long does it take you to stop comparing everyone you meet to this person? When you do find a rebound or start a new relationship, how often do you reminisce about what once was, or bring up the past in your new relationship?
How does a break-up affect your relationship with the mutual friends you still share with your Ex? What do you talk about with them, besides the times you shared with your Ex? Will your mutual friends ever accept someone new entering your life?
Will the past always really be present when it comes to relationships?
Why is it that after certain break-ups, the 'Ghost of Christmas Past' frequently appears? Every time you listen to a certain song, when you are in a specific place, when someone that doesn't know that you and your other half are no longer 'one' happens to ask about your partner; certain holidays seem empty; special occasions no longer seem special. Why?!
Is it possible to simply delete history with a click of a button? How do you erase the memories? If you don't, do you only think about the good times & when the 'Ghost of Christmas’s to Come' appears, you can't help but wonder what could have/would have/should have been? Or do you condition yourself to only think about the few negative aspects of your relationship to ease the pain? Are you dooming yourself to continued failure if you don't delete, erase, burn, hide anything that reminds you of that person?
Even if the relationship ends on a bad note, how long does it take you to stop comparing everyone you meet to this person? When you do find a rebound or start a new relationship, how often do you reminisce about what once was, or bring up the past in your new relationship?
How does a break-up affect your relationship with the mutual friends you still share with your Ex? What do you talk about with them, besides the times you shared with your Ex? Will your mutual friends ever accept someone new entering your life?
Will the past always really be present when it comes to relationships?
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