The Seven Breakup Commandments

(i.e., The Seven really great Breakup Suggestions)

Number 1 Don't see or talk to your ex for SIXTY days
Number 2 Get Yourself a Breakup Buddy
Number 3 Get rid of your ex's stuff and the things that remind you of Him/Her
Number 4 Get your ass in motion every day
Number 5 Don't wear your breakup out into the world
Number 6 No Backsliding
Number 7 It won't work unless you are number ONE!

Below are some details regarding the list above:

Number 1 Don't see or talk to your ex for SIXTY days
That means CUT off ALL contact for Sixty days. Lent in 2009 will start on Wednesday, the 25th of February and will continue for 46 days until Saturday, the 11th of April…so this is the perfect time to cut off ties! If you mess up, start over. Cutting the ties cold turkey does hurt, but in the long-run, it WILL pay off. No calling or accepting calls, and absolutely no visits! There is no gray area with this one. Start a notebook and write in it daily. Start by listing the worse and great qualities about your ex and realize that he/she was NOT perfect.

Number 2 Get Yourself a Breakup Buddy
Ask a friend if they could help you through your moments of weakness and discuss the situation only with them. Try to set a time limit on how much you will babble on about your ex & then do fun things together to take your mind off the past. Call your breakup buddy if you have an urge to talk to your ex.. If you desperately need to communicate with your ex, use your breakup buddy as a liaison.

Number 3 Get rid of your Ex's stuff and the things that remind you of Him/Her
Have your breakup buddy give your ex all of their belongings. You don't want to have any memorabilia of the past (especially during the first 60 days). Try to make your surroundings feel different by redecorating or rearranging your furniture. This will give you new external cues that should provoke different feelings. And anything different from lonely or heartbroken is a huge step in the right direction.

Number 4 Get your ass in motion every day
Exercise, get out of the house, go to work (no more calling out sick!!), run errands, go to art exhibits, go dancing, volunteer, etc. Keeping yourself busy will help take our mind off of your ex.

Number 5 Don't wear your breakup out into the world
Confidence always looks good with everything. Never leave the house wearing something that you wouldn't want to run into your ex in.

Number 6 No Backsliding
No SEX with your EX! Simple!! This will only hurt you more and afterwards, you will still not be right for each other! At least you will have your dignity by not offering yourself with no strings attached to someone who DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Your ex should not have access to you WITHOUT the emotional responsibilities.

Number 7 It won't work unless you are Number ONE!
"You have to learn to how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting relationship you're looking for. You are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you give up to be with that person. It's time to figure out what you want. Make a list of what you want, not just in a guy, but for yourself in life." Proclaim: "I promise to make a firm commitment to living and breathing my list [of what I want out of life] every day, in every relationship, friendship, job, and experience that comes my way, from here to eternity and three weeks beyond that."


Source: "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Pages 189-259

Places to meet people…

It seems like it is becoming more and more difficult finding someone to share your life with. Due to our hectic schedules and “me, me, me” mentality (among other reasons), getting out and actually striking up a conversation with someone is moving towards the bottom of our “list of things to do”. Also, where does one even begin to meet someone that they could possibly form a significant, long-lasting relationship with?

Some (odd) places are listed below...

Sporting events, super market (at odd hours), walking your dog, the gym, the Internet (facebook, myspace, craigslist, eharmony, chat rooms, etc.), at work, an adult learning class (for work/school, i.e., arts & crafts, cooking, communication skills, etc.), a hotel/motel/Holiday Inn (lol), museums, a club/lounge/bar, shopping (mall), joining a singles group/club, place of worship, joining a book club, bookstore, on vacation, restaurant, networking event, volunteer activity, have a party and ask your friends to invite their friends, a wake/funeral, taking a craft class, joining a business association, high school/college reunions, blind date, investment club, seminars, classified section of the newspaper, a diner, wine tasting, ski trip, mind/body/spirit class (i.e., yoga), get a new job, take an acting/dance class, a sports league/team/club, eat lunch outside of the office, Laundromat, movie theatre, coffee shop, a wedding/engagement party, baby shower, birthday party, jogging, gift shop, adult shop, the Apple store, a political rally or campaign, speed dating event, a cruise, your apartment complex/building, public pool, car shopping, dating agency, travel-related places (buses, trains, planes, bus stop, at the airport, etc.), being an extra on a movie set, golfing, amusement park, religious gathering, watching a theatrical performance, car wash, while paying your toll, bowling, driving, gas station, ice cream shop, in a car accident, bike riding, rollerblading, music stores, library, hiking/adventure trips, beach, public bathroom area, a park, while getting your car serviced, prison, ward, concerts, Home improvement store, zoo, garden, circus, art galleries, dinner party, etc., etc.

Where have you met people that led to long-lasting relationships?


Sources:
http://www.essortment.com/all/meetnewpeopl_rbhr.htm
http://www.ehow.com/how_2931_find-places-meet.html
http://www.answerbag.com
http://love.ivillage.com/snd/meetmarket/0,,doyenne_s63n,00.html

The “11th Man Theory” = The Oedipal Theory??

This is a bit of a continuation of the 11th Man Theory posting. I spoke to a good friend (who would rather remain anonymous) regarding my previous posting. His observation is that we tend to be attracted to individuals based on how we are/were treated by our parents. Men tend to gravitate towards women that remind them of their mothers and women tend to be attracted to men that fit the fatherly role their father played (or didn't play). Husbands treat their wives a certain way and their children instill this in their minds as "normal", regardless of how badly the father treats/treated the mother. The children later look for or are attracted to someone that will bring about a similar lifestyle. It seems that many women who experience physical abuse from their husbands saw their mother's live through similar abuse. On the other side of the spectrum, if a woman had a great life with her husband, their female children may be more inclined to look for someone that will treat them well.

It gets even more complex when a child never met their mother and/or father because they still tend to behave like their mother/father & they still look for a partner that will continue the motherly/fatherly role their parents played/didn't play. Psychology teaches Sigmund Freud's Oedipal Theory which revolves around a similar thought process. “In classical theory, individuals who are fixated at the oedipal level are 'mother-fixated' or 'father-fixated', and reveal this by choosing sexual partners who are discernible surrogates for their parent(s)” [1]. The human mind is amazingly complex, right?!

If you are a female, do you find that you are attracted to people that remind you in some obvious ways of your father? How about the guys out there? Are you looking for someone that will care for you the same way your mother did? Looking back on previous relationships, does this theory hold true in your life?

My anonymous friend rightfully stated that “we are a product of our environment.” That being said, please treat others the way you would like to be treated in the hopes that future generations will instill positive behaviors in their minds.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex

The "11th Man Theory"

The "11th Man Theory" from the movie "What Love Is?" states the following: "say there is a woman in a room with 10 men, and all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is, and how amazing she is and they are lighting her cigarette and buying her drinks and just treating her like gold. Then, all of a sudden, in walks the 11th man, he takes one look at her and says 'hey how ya doin'", turns his back on her and starts talking to his boys, THAT'S the guy she wants to be with, the 11th man, not any of the 10 men who were treating her well all night, but the one guy that couldn't care less, why? Because for some reason women don't want nice, they don't want real, they don't want to be treated well, I mean not at first and sometimes not ever, and I think that's crazy and I refuse to play that game .... get a girl by pretending that I don't like her. I wanna be with a woman who's real, who digs it when I'm nice to her, who doesn't see that as weakness or take me for granted when I tell her that I think she is more amazing than anything else in the entire world, but unfortunately most women aren't like that, they say they are, deep down inside they want to be, but ... they're not." Men play a similar game, as per the book "Why Men Love Bitches" but we will save that topic for another day.

So, why do women play this game (among others)? Why do most women not pay attention to a true prince charming or let go of a good man that is willing to literally lay down his life for them, and run after men who obviously do not want them? It's not normal to want to be treated badly or to accept bad treatment, so why are some of us masochists when it comes to relationships? Is it the challenging journey we are after, that in essence is more important than the inevitably, miserable destination? If a man is just not into you, why do you want him more? Why do we make life more complicated than it already is?

Some of my good looking female friends (fyi…all of the friends are good looking) state that most of the guys that would do anything to be with them are not the best looking men and that the good looking men believe they have more options so they try to keep their options open. Is it really only about looks? I guess if you are not physically attracted to someone, it does not matter how nice they are to you or how much they flower you with gifts and beautiful words, part of the relationship will always be incomplete (sexual attraction). After a semi-long courtship, a friend of mine got past the physical beauty of the person she is now in love with, but has commented on being scared their children may turn out ‘not-so-cute.’ I guess being with the not-so-attractive-good-guy, may have some repercussions. But should an unknown future (whether or not you will even be able to have children) be the determining factor when considering your present happiness?

Is it worthwhile chasing a physical connection that may eventually be lost (although Viagra and Libido enhancing solutions for women do exist), or is it better to be with someone because of their inner beauty and the magical way they treat you?

Sean Astin’s 11th man theory from "What Love Is"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMcBMCC9Q34

The Great Wall

"China plays home to a barrier famous worldwide
Few know of another Great Wall not visible to the eye
The one I speak of contains colossal walls, mazes and traps
No way of passing even if aided by ropes, flashlights or maps
A mammoth edifice constructed with blood, sweat and tears

Rome wasn’t built in a day, this one also took years
Its purpose, to protect a priceless treasure confined within
Diamonds even pearls seem meager in comparison
Trespassers and nomads should heed this and beware
Passage has not been permitted to most who have dared

From atop The Great Wall I extend to you my hand
Will you join me on this perch so that we both may stand
But before accepting invitation you should know from the start
Beyond The Great Wall is nothing other than my heart"


Submitted by: Alain Paultre
al32magic@yahoo.com

10% Chick

In Honor of women all over this world, I present to you the amazing writings of my friend Leigh Ann DiDomenico. Thank you Leigh Ann for sharing your words, your thoughts, your heart.

"I’m tired of being the 10% chick.
I’ve lived long enough to know that when it really comes down to it, love is rare.
And I guess I mean to say true friendship, that kind of deep unconditional connection that rests above anything else doesn’t form easy.
Its usually found in a certain type of person, with some kind of loyalty
Then with commonalities and time for connections to deepen.
So is it surprising that its taken me this long to put that together with my sexuality?
I’ve had so many experiences with so many different people in which I was expendible.
Maybe it was because they were fucking other people, maybe it was because they were more monogamous than they thought they were, maybe it was because they never really loved me anyway, they were just enamored with a pretty face or an intelligent mind and wanted to suck up some energy for a time.
But when it comes down to it, I mean really comes down to it, for someone to truly be there for you, down for you, put your needs above their own for a moment to really kick it with you, there’s got to be love.
See, recently I realized, if I can’t bring someone to the gyno with me to hold my hand during an abortion, or an uncomfortable procedure, or to get medicine, then why the hell am I fucking them?
See, STDs and unwanted pregnancies and gynecological emergencies are real things
Why would I share my pussy with someone who only wants it when its all roses and peaches and shiny things?
Why would I share that kind of intimacy with somebody who may not be truly down for me?
And then there’s my heart.
Why Ima give love and support to somebody who wouldn’t love and support me back?
If I’m the 10% chick, what happens when I need a 50% moment?
And truly, when it comes down to it, 10% isn’t much to miss.
So, its easy to say, later, fuck off, bitch, or why don’t you go sell your pussy, or you just the girl I’m fuckin.
When the goin gets rough, shit gets tough, and its apparent who’s gonna be your shoulder to cry on, your wall to lean on, and who can’t give too much, who’s gonna disappear til shit evens out.
I’ve truly been in love only once before.
And I can count my real friends on my fingers.
And I’m old enough to realize that most men who say they want to spend time with me
Are really just tryin to get me into my home or theirs alone
So its that much easier to convince me to fuck them.
And most couples who say they’re polyamorous are really just swingin, cuz that love part is missin
I’ve had a lot of sex.
I’m good at it
And I’m tired of putting in all this effort to get nothing in return.
Fuck that.
So Ima say something I never thought I’d say
Sex with me is special.
And you need to earn this pussy.
Its not gonna be given out so easy.
Cuz unless you can really please me
Or prove that you really want something deeper
Then you can step the other fuckin way
I’m real familiar with that shit
And I’m tired of it.
Love is rare.
But I’m down for it.
Been around the world and the block and have learned to value it.
And I’m tired of bein that 10% chick."

Applications now being accepted for Full-Time position…Inquire within.

V-day is just around the corner and applications are now being accepted for the Full-Time Position of: “President of MY World, i.e., the man that I can hold hands with for the rest of my life. The person I can grow old with and experience the many wonders this world has to offer.” WOW, that sure appears to be a full-time job alright!

Now-a-days, it seem like there needs to be a two to three page questionnaire filled out before getting into a relationship! The long list of questions and answers are critical to ensuring you will have a measly mediocre relationship. I recently finished the book "Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons." This book, based on e-harmony.com, offers 29 "dimensions of compatibility" to consider before committing to a romantic relationship and it asks what seems like HUNREDS of questions to be able to find your soul mate. OMG!? Check out some of the questions/topics every day people consider when looking for a prospective partner (not in any particular order):
* Health record
* Criminal history
* Credit check (Financial history and outlook)
* Education
* Previous relationship drama?
* Children...(previous relationships)?
* Do you want to have children in the future (If so, how many?)
* Any crazy people in your lineage?
* How easily can I blend in at your family gatherings?
* How do you treat your parents/siblings?
* How frivolous are you?
* Have you ever been intimately involved with someone of the same sex (see Down Low Men posting)?
* Are your hobbies similar to mine?
* Dancing skills?
* Cooking skills?
* Kissing / Cuddling / Making me feel loved skills?
* Love-making skills?
* Adaptability (Can I change/mold you)?
* How willing to change/grow are you?
* How much debt do you have (that I may have to take on when we become one)?
* Do you want to get married (If so, when?)?
* How many girl/guy friends do you have on facebook / myspace / myworkoutspot.com / hi5 / etc?
* Do you flirt with other people online or do others flirt with you?
* Political stance?
* Religious beliefs?
* Can we make decent looking children together?
* Do I like how your last name sounds after my first name?
* Whether or not you can get along well with my friends and vice versa?
* How cheap are you?
* How many languages do you speak?
* How well you treat the elderly / homeless / strangers / children, etc.?
* Whether or not I like your walk?
* Swagger status?
* How humble you are?
* How wild you are in bed
* How likely you are to cheat - have you cheated in the past?
* How you handle conflict (in or outside of the relationship)?
* Music preference?
* Ambition/drive in life?
* Job/no job?...what kind of job?

Geez!! This SHORT list came to mind on my bus ride to work...and I only stopped because my fingers were hurting. Either way, you get the point; the list can go on forever. How can one possible cover all of these issues that basically determine the longevity of their relationship?

What are the most important factors in deciding who YOU want to be involved with? Do any of the items listed above even matter if it’s only a fling? What if this ‘fling’ ends up getting (you) pregnant or giving you a disease? What if you don’t ask the questions and this significant other turns out to be someone you fall deeply in love with...but then…all of the skeletons come out of the closet? Is it better to know these things up front or to find out later on?

Food for thought and in case you need a laugh…

What men really want

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAh0q8CegVM

Women and Feelings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzXAExci770

Being with someone that has children

In the past week I have been randomly approached by three different men to talk about the same topic: being involved with a woman that has children. They all said (loud and clear), without a doubt, and absolutely zero hesitation: NO, they would not want to be involved with a woman that has a child. One of the gentlemen mentioned that his relationship with his ex suffered because of her child (an 11 year old boy that loved to proclaim the phrase: "you're not my father!"). Another young man said that he REALLY liked a girl but was nervous because of a number of what he considered 'negative' qualities: she has a young child, was not very ambitious, and did not have a job. He thought he would inevitably end up having to support her and 'the kid'. Lastly, a friend of mine had his car keyed because of ‘baby daddy drama’ and will not walk down that path again. Wow!

To sum it up pretty nicely, a gentleman on my bus ride home told me that dating a woman that has a child would depend on a couple of things, two of which are: the age of the child(ren) and the relationship between the lady and the father(s) of the child(ren). Makes sense. If the child is young enough, they could look at you as a father figure versus an intruder looking to steal mommy! Would it be okay if the lady in the picture had zero contact with her ex? That may be a good thing, but would you then feel like you may have to not only support this child emotionally, but financially as well? Would you be weary of becoming a father figure (to someone else's child...and maybe before your time), but then be hurt if you break up with your significant other? I know two guys that hurt more because they no longer get to see the child in the relationship, than being bothered by not being able to spend time with their ex's.

What other fears come to mind when considering entering a relationship with someone that has what some would consider "major baggage." Would it be easier to handle if you have a child(ren) of your own? You could possibly be missing out on meeting the love of your life by closing yourself off from dating one of the many outstanding single mothers out there. Are you okay with that? A lot of women have their sh&*t together and may not be in a relationship with their "baby daddy" due to uncontrollable reasons (i.e., husband/boyfriend passed away; abusive relationship; irreconcilable differences; guy turned gay; etc...) Why not test the waters with this great woman?

Ladies, would you consider dating a man that has a child(ren)? Would it be different if he lives with his child(ren), versus just having visitation rights? Does it depend on their age? Would you test him out to analyze his behavior toward his children as this may be a great indicator as to whether or not he would be fit to father your child? Would it matter less if you are a single mother?

Thoughts?

How easy is it to move on?

Below is part of a thought provoking conversation from Sex and The City, Season 3 Episode 48 "Cock a Doodle Doo"

"It's infuriating. Women sit around obsessing about what went wrong over and over. And men just say 'alrighty' and they just move on." -Charlotte

"It's so much easier for men to move on. The ratio of women to men in this city is huge. All they have to do is sit outside, have a beer, and wait for the Jessica's and Susan's to come to them." -Miranda

"I can guarantee that Trey isn't sitting around with his friends obsessing about what went wrong. I wish there were no men. If there were no men, then we wouldn't feel hurt and we wouldn't be disappointed and we wouldn't be spending our entire night sitting here obsessing about them. I'm so over men" -Charlotte

Do men really get over relationships much faster than women? Or are they just better at masking their true feelings? It's not in a man's nature or 'macho man' best interest to express that he too is hurting inside. He would much rather hang with his friends and discuss who got drafted to what team or what new video games hit the streets, than talk about the pain he feels inside for the great thing he lost or let go of. Most men would rather go out right away and date anything they could find so as to try to forget the memories of the love they truly long for. We are human beings. We are creatures meant to love and long for love. We ALL have feelings and emotions, so why are we conditioned to try to hide what makes us who we are? Why are women okay with opening up and expressing their love, regret, sorrow, happiness, etc. yet men feel the need to cover it up? Is it because some women think emotional men are not manly enough, or that other men may call them a ‘sissy’, or ‘homo’? Why would they rather put up a front, and just try to find the next best thing instead of working on what they had and truly may still love? As Miranda mentioned above, is it because women out number men so the latter may feel like they have it easy? At the end of the day...quantity will never surpass quality when it comes to relationships and matters of the heart. I believe it is much more fulfilling to have a few excellent relationships than to date a higher number of people and not form any true emotional and mentally stimulating bonds.

What do you think? GENTLEMEN...what do YOU think?