Be Honest...

Now & Then

Short song written by Yamilet Mia and sung by Yomaris J. Maldonado for the Independent Feature film Buena Gente (Written and Directed by Fabian Baez).



Watch on YouTube

Don't Settle

"Don't settle!"  That's the advice most people give whether they are single, in a relationship or getting out of one.  I recently had a conversation with (A) a woman going through a divorce after over 14 years of marriage, (B) a woman in a rocky marriage that will probably not get a divorce, but stay semi-miserable, (C) a young man finalizing his divorce after a 5-6 year relationship and (D) a woman that finally decided to get married for the first time at 50 and realized she made a huge mistake.  All four people discussed the various reasons they were unhappy and/or getting a divorce and they all pretty much covered the same topics.

1.  People change over time.  (A, B, C)  I have heard this over and over again:  XYZ just isn't the way s/he used to be.  Some people get comfortable and stop taking care of themselves (gain weight, look sloppy, etc.).  Some people stop giving gifts or going on dates, or telling their partner how much they care or love the other person.  A handful of people stop helping their partner around the house or with the children because they get caught up in their own lives.  Some become more or less ambitious and the person you initially thought you married or started dating, gets lost and you don’t know the person you are left with. 

2.  Some partners grow apart (C).  Why is it that as we evolve and change/grow as individuals while in a relationship, we tend to grow apart from the person we are with.  Is it possible to grow together?  I hope that the changes my partner and I will inevitably go through will bring us closer and not push us apart.  I want to be able to evolve and grow WITH my husband/life partner and not end up hating who he becomes or vice versa.

3.  They didn't feel like they were getting what they needed or wanted from their significant other (A, B, C, D).  It could be an emotional, physical, intimate, mental or financial disconnect.  Whatever it is, it usually grows over time and may cause resentment towards the other person.  This is where communication plays a pivotal role in your relationship.  Tell your partner what you need/want/desire/require and if you are on the receiving end, try to do what your partner has requested.  Don’t do what you would want done in the situation, do exactly what the other person asked of you.  It may save both of you some headaches and arguments.

4.  You have to know in advance what you can live with and what you can't live without (A, C, D).  Are you a saver or a spender?  Is religion important to you? Do you want children?  Are you okay being the breadwinner of the household while your partner is a stay-at-home mother or father? There are some serious deal breakers you hold near and dear to you that you shouldn't have to compromise on because those are the things that will cause continued arguments and growing resentment over time.

5.  We don’t really have anything in common (B, C, D).  I don't think two people should do every single thing together, but I've always been one to think that a couple should have some similar hobbies that they can enjoy together.  This could be travel, religion, dance, outdoor adventures, cooking, reading, ice skating/skiing, swimming, volunteer work, working out and the list could go on forever.  If you are an outdoorsy person that likes to hike and workout ,whereas your partner is someone that likes to stay inside and read, you may end up growing apart….especially if there are many differences in what you like to do and you end up doing most of them by yourself.

6.  Watch out for the Red Flags (A, E).  Is your significant other incredibly jealous?  How do they treat their family members?  Do they communicate well with you?  How do they behave when they are angry?  Does s/he have commitment phobia?  Have they cheated on you or someone in their past?  Are they constantly getting fired at work?  Do they have money management issues or are they are constantly broke or borrowing money?  Do they argue or get into fights with random people?  Do you have a weird gut feeling about what s/he says (Do you trust him/her)?  Do they hide things from you and/or lie?  These are some of the many red flags that pop up in relationships and that you should watch out for because these things may only get worse over time.  I know...believe me I know, it's tough sometimes when you are "in love" to be able to see it from an outsiders point of view, but keep an eye out for things that make you go "hmmm....?"

The overarching theme in these conversations has been that you should do your homework (but hopefully it doesn't lead to analysis paralysis!), really understand what you are getting into and who you are involved with.  Don’t settle just because your clock is ticking, people keep asking when it’s going to be your time to settle down, or because people around you are getting married/having children, etc.  Moving in, getting married and/or having children are huge steps to make and it makes a world of a difference if you are taking those steps with someone you love and are compatible with.  

~A big shout out to Wendy Smith for her input and advice on relationships and marriage.

"Our perfect partner is not someone whose physical attributes match some arbitrary standard set for us by others, nor someone who is rich and powerful enough to give us the material things we want. The perfect partner is one who is respectful of our individuality and who we can trust to challenge and stretch us in ways that help us grow."

~An excerpt from the book "Confirmation"

R.I.P. Relationships!!

I kind of like his (semi-vulgar) view on Relationships...
Make sense to me.
What do you think?

R.I.P. Relationships!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBiUOJr228Q&feature=relmfu

Kill the Vampires in your Life

It's interesting how some people walk around with what seems like a negative cloud covering them.  Some people live their lives believing that only negative things happen to them and low-and-behold, negative things keep happening to them.

What is your vampire?  What is the thing that is holding you back from living your best life now?  Is it:
     a job?
     a friend?
     a situation?
     a relationship?
     a family member?
     a decision you need to make?

There may be actions that you need to take or changes you need to make in your thoughts, words and/or actions to get rid of the vampires that are sucking your life source away from you.  Shine the light of truth onto the situation, analyze it and make the change that will help you overcome the negativity.  Fight for your right to be happy and live a positive, healthy life.


Kill the Vampires in your Life:  Video

Sending a big thank you to my brother Jose Maldonado for sharing this awesome video.  xoxo's

Improving your relationship with Yourself

I just found this great video about how to Improve your relationship with Yourself by saying positive things about yourself, always believing in yourself and making small changes in your life in a healthy/positive direction.

Click "Video" to watch TonyaTKO doing her magic to motivate the world, one person at a time: Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFw2DTMHJS0&feature=g-all-u (If the link does not work, please copy and paste it to your browser)

Feel free to watch it now or if you can't see it at the moment, listen to what she has to say and watch it when you have some free time.

Thanks Tonya for the motivation!!

SH*T BITTER FEMALES SAY ON VALENTINES DAY

Golden rules for finding your life partner

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.
Posted on August 13, 2009

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: "We’re in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there’s a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.
50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one.. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you….the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.
*Do you bring out the best in each other?
*Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
*Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay..

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

Source

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody?.......Call
Wanna meet up?..........Invite
Wanna be understood?.......Explain
Have questions?......Ask
Don't like something?......Say it
Like something ?.......State it
Want something?.........Ask for it
Love someone ?......Tell them
Nobody will know what's going on in your mind.....it's better to express rather than to Expect......
You already have the NO. Take the risk of getting the YES
We just have one life keep it simple!

~Frances