Don't Settle

"Don't settle!"  That's the advice most people give whether they are single, in a relationship or getting out of one.  I recently had a conversation with (A) a woman going through a divorce after over 14 years of marriage, (B) a woman in a rocky marriage that will probably not get a divorce, but stay semi-miserable, (C) a young man finalizing his divorce after a 5-6 year relationship and (D) a woman that finally decided to get married for the first time at 50 and realized she made a huge mistake.  All four people discussed the various reasons they were unhappy and/or getting a divorce and they all pretty much covered the same topics.

1.  People change over time.  (A, B, C)  I have heard this over and over again:  XYZ just isn't the way s/he used to be.  Some people get comfortable and stop taking care of themselves (gain weight, look sloppy, etc.).  Some people stop giving gifts or going on dates, or telling their partner how much they care or love the other person.  A handful of people stop helping their partner around the house or with the children because they get caught up in their own lives.  Some become more or less ambitious and the person you initially thought you married or started dating, gets lost and you don’t know the person you are left with. 

2.  Some partners grow apart (C).  Why is it that as we evolve and change/grow as individuals while in a relationship, we tend to grow apart from the person we are with.  Is it possible to grow together?  I hope that the changes my partner and I will inevitably go through will bring us closer and not push us apart.  I want to be able to evolve and grow WITH my husband/life partner and not end up hating who he becomes or vice versa.

3.  They didn't feel like they were getting what they needed or wanted from their significant other (A, B, C, D).  It could be an emotional, physical, intimate, mental or financial disconnect.  Whatever it is, it usually grows over time and may cause resentment towards the other person.  This is where communication plays a pivotal role in your relationship.  Tell your partner what you need/want/desire/require and if you are on the receiving end, try to do what your partner has requested.  Don’t do what you would want done in the situation, do exactly what the other person asked of you.  It may save both of you some headaches and arguments.

4.  You have to know in advance what you can live with and what you can't live without (A, C, D).  Are you a saver or a spender?  Is religion important to you? Do you want children?  Are you okay being the breadwinner of the household while your partner is a stay-at-home mother or father? There are some serious deal breakers you hold near and dear to you that you shouldn't have to compromise on because those are the things that will cause continued arguments and growing resentment over time.

5.  We don’t really have anything in common (B, C, D).  I don't think two people should do every single thing together, but I've always been one to think that a couple should have some similar hobbies that they can enjoy together.  This could be travel, religion, dance, outdoor adventures, cooking, reading, ice skating/skiing, swimming, volunteer work, working out and the list could go on forever.  If you are an outdoorsy person that likes to hike and workout ,whereas your partner is someone that likes to stay inside and read, you may end up growing apart….especially if there are many differences in what you like to do and you end up doing most of them by yourself.

6.  Watch out for the Red Flags (A, E).  Is your significant other incredibly jealous?  How do they treat their family members?  Do they communicate well with you?  How do they behave when they are angry?  Does s/he have commitment phobia?  Have they cheated on you or someone in their past?  Are they constantly getting fired at work?  Do they have money management issues or are they are constantly broke or borrowing money?  Do they argue or get into fights with random people?  Do you have a weird gut feeling about what s/he says (Do you trust him/her)?  Do they hide things from you and/or lie?  These are some of the many red flags that pop up in relationships and that you should watch out for because these things may only get worse over time.  I know...believe me I know, it's tough sometimes when you are "in love" to be able to see it from an outsiders point of view, but keep an eye out for things that make you go "hmmm....?"

The overarching theme in these conversations has been that you should do your homework (but hopefully it doesn't lead to analysis paralysis!), really understand what you are getting into and who you are involved with.  Don’t settle just because your clock is ticking, people keep asking when it’s going to be your time to settle down, or because people around you are getting married/having children, etc.  Moving in, getting married and/or having children are huge steps to make and it makes a world of a difference if you are taking those steps with someone you love and are compatible with.  

~A big shout out to Wendy Smith for her input and advice on relationships and marriage.