Down Low Men

I just finished watching “Cover,” a (highly recommended) movie about men that live heterosexual lives, but secretly have sex with other men. They are called Down Low (DL) men and lead lives full of deceit, lies, manipulation and secrecy. A trailer for a movie called “Invisible” with the same premise as “Cover,” states that “women, mostly African American women, don’t know these men’s secrets” and that “70% of these women have contracted HIV or are dying of AIDS.” This phenomenon has been going on for decades, but in today’s metro-sexual society, where men take more care of themselves (clothing, hair, nails, etc.), it is a growing concern for women every single day. What would you do if you found out that your partner, lover, husband, the person you trust your life with (I am assuming most married couples have unprotected sex), could possibly be hiding such a life-threatening secret?

For women, it is bad enough to find out that their man is cheating on them with another woman, but how does someone deal with finding out that their man has or still engages in sexual acts with another man?!?! At least if a man is cheating with another women, his wife could work on improving the different aspects of herself he is seeking elsewhere (dress nicer, go to the gym, not work late hours, etc.), but what if what he truly wants is another man? In this case, there is nothing a woman can do to make the man she loves want to be (solely) with her.

This epidemic is growing so fast that research is being done, books are being written and movies are being filmed about DL men (http://www.top10signs.net/). “Today, while there are black men who are openly gay, it seems that the majority of those having sex with men still lead secret lives, products of a black culture that deems masculinity and fatherhood as a black man's primary responsibility -- and homosexuality as a white man's perversion” [1]. This is why most DL men do not “come out of the closet” and therefore lead seemingly “normal” lives as businessmen, athletes and rappers with girlfriends or wives and/or children. They meet other DL men on the Internet (i.e., DLThugs, and even Craigslist!!), in bathhouses or parks and engage in aggressive flirting until they “hook up.” But, the interesting thing is that they do not believe they are gay!! Most of these men engage in unprotected sex (“stopping to put on a condom forces guys on the DL to acknowledge, on some level, that they're having sex with men” [1]), contract diseases (including HIV/AIDS) and then spread the diseases to their unsuspecting wives.

I have nothing against people living openly homosexual, bisexual, transgendered lives, in fact, I embrace people’s differences. My motto: “Do you!” I do, however, have a problem with lies. A man living a double life and putting his partner’s life in danger is not fair and should not be tolerated. These issues need to be discussed at the forefront of relationships now-a-days and I do not think men should be bothered by women asking them if they are gay/bisexual. In our society, WE ARE ALL at risk and we should keep discourse flowing about all kinds of relationship topics, including this one…BEFORE more people get hurt. Emil Wilbekin, the black and openly gay editor in chief of Vibe magazine, has little patience for men on the DL. “To me, it's a dangerous cop-out,” he says. “I get that it's sexy. I get that it's hot to see some big burly hip-hop kid who looks straight but sleeps with guys, but the bottom line is that it's dishonest. I think you have to love who you are, you have to have respect for yourself and others, and to me most men on the DL have none of those qualities. There's nothing 'sexy' about getting H.I.V., or giving it to your male and female lovers. That's not what being a real black man is about.”


Here is a Poem I found on the Internet…
MEN ON THE DOWN LOW [2]

Some of you won't admit it but you know it is true.
A lot of you have men who are creeping out on you.

Living with their secrets being with other men.
Leaving home to do their thing, then it is home again.

Some men living in denial at home with their wife.
Other men released from jail, can't let go of prison life.

Women with somehow no idea reality.
So glad to have a man to fill that empty space.

I had a friend like that in that state of mind.
She was with a man with secrets ooh that man was fine.

It wasn't until she got sick with HIV then death.
She had to face the demons that this lying man had left.

Being alone I know is hard it can leave you feeling blue.
But dying alone is even harder because a man who lied to you.



Trailer for “Invisible”


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DIe93AJ-ho

IMDb page for “Cover”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765460/

Down Low Men - Real Talk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TaTVkSJe84

http://www.goaskalice.com/ is an Online Columbia University question/answer forum with a similar topic: http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1367.html

Resources: [1] http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=9F0CE0D61E3FF930A3575BC0A9659C8B63 [2] http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/83470/men_on_the_down_low_men_with_men_women.html?cat=10