This is a bit of a continuation of the 11th Man Theory posting. I spoke to a good friend (who would rather remain anonymous) regarding my previous posting. His observation is that we tend to be attracted to individuals based on how we are/were treated by our parents. Men tend to gravitate towards women that remind them of their mothers and women tend to be attracted to men that fit the fatherly role their father played (or didn't play). Husbands treat their wives a certain way and their children instill this in their minds as "normal", regardless of how badly the father treats/treated the mother. The children later look for or are attracted to someone that will bring about a similar lifestyle. It seems that many women who experience physical abuse from their husbands saw their mother's live through similar abuse. On the other side of the spectrum, if a woman had a great life with her husband, their female children may be more inclined to look for someone that will treat them well.
It gets even more complex when a child never met their mother and/or father because they still tend to behave like their mother/father & they still look for a partner that will continue the motherly/fatherly role their parents played/didn't play. Psychology teaches Sigmund Freud's Oedipal Theory which revolves around a similar thought process. “In classical theory, individuals who are fixated at the oedipal level are 'mother-fixated' or 'father-fixated', and reveal this by choosing sexual partners who are discernible surrogates for their parent(s)” [1]. The human mind is amazingly complex, right?!
If you are a female, do you find that you are attracted to people that remind you in some obvious ways of your father? How about the guys out there? Are you looking for someone that will care for you the same way your mother did? Looking back on previous relationships, does this theory hold true in your life?
My anonymous friend rightfully stated that “we are a product of our environment.” That being said, please treat others the way you would like to be treated in the hopes that future generations will instill positive behaviors in their minds.
[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex
5 comments:
I agree and disagree.
For one, the word "remind" could be amended somehow, or the meaning given a deeper context, as "remind" connotes the conscious act of remembering.
Next, by juxtaposing the male statement with the female version, the idea (I assume) is to create a "vice-versa" comparison. But the statements are slightly different, because you've given the female side the option of choosing "or didn't play."
Point being, as your anonymous friend stated and as you know from your own study of psychology, that the possible scenarios are endless.
If your question is specifically asking if I, as a man, consciously look for a woman who reminds me of my moms (or any women if they look for obvious similarities between their fathers and potential men), then how does the Oedipal complex apply if we're making CONSCIOUS decisions?
Looking back, however, I've recognized a definite pattern in my choices of women. Sometimes the similarities between a woman and my moms are obvious, other times, not quite so.
See, in my experience (as obviously, I don't speak for all men), my choices have tended to reflect both the experience of life w/ mom-dukes and the lack of it (she died when I was very young).
Took me long, long time to even begin to THINK about a pattern, let alone recognize and consciously choose to alter it, or at the very least, be okay with whatever choices in women I've made after realizing that the choice itself (the attraction) was very much based on subconscious need versus conscious want.
But good post, Yomaris. You got me on a trip down my own Memory Lane right now, wondering about "this one" or "that one," and how they've been after all these years... LOL!
Well my mother is a strong and independent woman who after divorcing my father took my two sisters and I and carried the load of being a single parent. It would be nice to find a woman as extraordinary as Mami, but I don't believe I am looking for a specific type. I'd feel just as comfortable with an independent, go getta as I would be with a house wife who takes care of me at home and depends on me to take care of her financially. I truly don't feel that The Oedipal Theory applies to me at all, as far as choosing a mate. I didn't think it did back when I studied it in Psych 101 nor do I feel that it applies to me now. Thanks once again Jack for the thought provoking posts. Keep them coming.
As a scholar of the social sciences, it is possible, but not always the case. To be attracted to qualities in another that are fond in your memory as your mother/father could be possible. How were you treated? What was their style of communication? What did you admire or not about your parent? If verbal and non-verbal messages are recorded into the brain as a way of showing love to one another.. in good form or bad.. . that may set a foundation for what the individual accepts as appropriate methods of communication. If you don't have a good sense of self, your past may determine your future interactions and experiences.
This one is free... i may charge next time.."
LOL @ kathy "this one is free...!!"
haha ya dig it!?
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