Baby, we've been together for almost four years, and I love you, I think it's time we move in together. We can live together for a while (one or two years) and see if we can stand one another and then decide if we want to get married or not. If we hate each other in a year or two, one of us could just move out and it would only be four to six years invested and lost, versus the rest of our lives....
Know anyone that has had a similar conversation with his or her partner? Or at least thought it, but never actually verbalized it? I am torn. I can see how living together for a while and then cutting your losses before actually tying the knot, would make things a lot easier and much less expensive. However, I also believe that deciding to live together without being engaged/married is a bit non-committal. If you are truly in love and neither one of you can see yourself raising a family and/or living the rest of your life with someone else, why not go for the goal? Why not just get married?
I believe/would hope that if you are married and you have vowed to your partner and to yourself that you will be with this person through thick and thin, 'til death do you part, it is more likely that you will want to work through any issues that may arise. Especially once you have invested in a home and/or children are involved, I would think couples are more inclined to go to couples counseling and work on bettering their union versus just letting it all go. If you are just testing the waters, you may give up a lot faster because, well, what do you truly have to lose? Also, some couples may live together so long without being married and decide there is no point in getting married, because their situation is as if they were already married.
I know a lot of studies have been done regarding co-habitation before marriage and I know the church is quite opposed to this phenomenon, but I am not thinking about it in terms of your vow to the church/before God so it's not about religion in my mind. The way I see it, it's simply about your commitment to your partner and your want/need to experience life with the person that completes you. I think that if a couple is set on getting married and they are engaged and decide to move in together with a similar vision about their future together, the success rate would be higher than just deciding to live together to see if they could deal with one another’s idiosyncrasies.
Since I have not experienced co-habitation before or after marriage, I can really only offer my semi-confused opinion about it all. Everyone must really discuss the pros and cons of all scenarios with their partner and come up with the best solution for their particular situation. I know it will definitely be something to discuss with my partner when the time comes, as it is a very important decision to make. The truth is that I will probably end up living with my significant other before marriage, but only when I know it’s the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with. When I am committed to someone, I will do my all to make sure the relationship is a healthy, fulfilling, long-lasting one. Hopefully I will find someone that has similar relationship values.
I wish you all the best of luck!
I would love to hear from readers that:
* lived with a significant other before marriage, got married and have been happily married for over 5 years;
* waited to live together until after marriage and have been happily married for over 5 years;
* lived with a significant other before marriage and decided not to get married;
* lived with a significant other before marriage, got married and got divorced;
* waited to live together until after marriage and then got divorced.
Various Readings:
Article 1
Article 2
Article 3
Article 4
Article 5
Article 6
Article 7
Article 8
11 comments:
Take it from someone who has been through the co-habitation thing... no way she gets a ring from me until we've lived together.
And why is it that anything that doesn't involve a proposal viewed as non-committal? Its almost an insult to see me asking a woman to live with me as sign of not being 100% committed.
For me, this is the final step before the rest of my life, the proposal is just a formality. You don't truly know someone until you live with them so i'm not going to go through the process of asking a woman to be my wife before i'm 100% that i want her to be.
that's my two cents, [whew!] lol
VERY true!!!!
Hmm. I'm interested to see where this goes.
it's greater for couples who do live together before marriage? I would have thought the opposite.
@Virgil...what are your thoughts senor?
@Melody, I've heard it from numerous relationship psychologists and read about various studies done regarding co-habitation before marriage. Even though I tend to agree with the studies, I believe ev...eryone is different. Food for thought.
Very true!!!
hmmm...this has piqued my interest. a little bit of internet searching yields a lot of articles that include suggestions that cohabiting before marriage can be a sign of "lack of faith in marriage as an institution." that set off alarm be...lls for me; that and the sloppy use of statistics that's all over these articles. an article on about.com on 'living together' cited the Concerned Women for America as a source of statistical info--well, the CWA is an explicitly right-wing Christian organization dedicated to bringing "biblical principles into all levels of of public policy." which is not good in a democracy where church and state are separate...anyway, I'd take the statistics being cited with a big grain of salt. I think they may come from people who have a very strong agenda related to the belief that sex before marriage is immoral, and anything that goes along with it is a sign of moral inferiority. looking forward to your post!
Wow!!! this is interesting. Cohabiting sounds to me a bit noncommittal, but everyone is different. I think it is more of a mental teaching that one has to chose to constantly work on. Maybe the key reasons for divorces is that we are cre...atures of habit, and some most than others do not know how to adapt to change. If you don't evolve as a person, then how do you expect your relationship to evolve. It's a constant Work in Progress. No two people are the same, and the constant conversation of goals, morals, and principles have to be spoken about constantly throughout the relationship. THAT CONVERSATION SHOULD TRULY NEVER END. People change with time and experience, and with that goals, morals, and values also adjust to age and experience. It really is a difficult thing to maintain the same goals with your partner throughout your lives together for so long. Constant communication is needed. The person you marry will eventually become a different person through time. The question lies - How do we work on adapting to those changes? It truly requires a strong profound emotional maturity level within yourself, and to communicate that, and be able to express it to each other understanding that there is a true sincerity of wanting that person to understand that what you say is with the utmost desire to share your innermost feeling and thoughts just because they respect you and love you. BUT NOW A DAYS, WHO REALLY IS HONEST IN SUCH A PROFOUND EMOTIONAL WAY? This to me is the most upsetting of all.
Livin in sin lol
I think its better cause you really learn the others habits, & lifestyle with no hidden surprises, & if you cant manage, just move out, now on the contrar once your hitched things become a little difficult,...
Hey All!
First of all, THANK YOU! for reading and for voicing your opinions. I bring up controversial topics to see how different people think. It's nice to read everyone's views on topics such as this one.
Secondly, please feel free to ch...eck out the blog I wrote regarding co-habitation: http://freeheartsandminds.blogspot.com/2010/09/lets-move-in-together.html
@Melody, THANK YOU!! I appreciate you doing research and writing your thoughts. It's awesome!
@Jeana, love you girl! Thanks for expressing your views on relationships. I miss our talks!!!
@David, you crack me up.
@Blady, I completely see where you are coming from.
@Virgil, still waiting for your views.... :-)
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