Sex Before Marriage...?

Fitting rooms exist to try on clothes before you buy them. You definitely should try on shoes before buying them (and for women, it’s advisable to try them on at the end of the day when their feet are most swollen). You should see pictures of a contractors work, get a friend or family members opinion or visit previous job sites before contracting them to do work for you. Some of you may have appetizers to taste the chef’s food before ordering the main course. Before purchasing or reading a book, we may read an excerpt, the back of the book or a review. Companies usually go through a test phase before implementing a new system. Most stores give you a thirty-day trial period for clothing, electronics, and other material items before deciding whether or not we would like to return the item(s). Most people usually test drive a car before just signing on the dotted line and purchasing or leasing a new or used vehicle. Some schools even allow potential students to audit a class before paying for and signing up for an entire semester.

All of these scenarios are examples where we TEST something before we COMMIT. Our society is almost accustomed to being able to try something out before investing money, time, effort, etc. When comparing this to our intimate lives, it is usually the same deal. We date numerous individuals before we consider someone our boyfriend/girlfriend. We then have a steady (usually monogamous) relationship before we become engaged and consider our significant other our Fiancé. Then that usually happens for a while before we progress into married life. The “trial period” is then officially over (although some people still consider it a trial).

In one episode of Sex and the City (Season 3), Charlotte waited almost an entire year (actually up until the day before her wedding) before trying her future husband out in bed. That is where she realized he couldn’t get it up! After making ALL of the wedding arrangements and paying A LOT of money to prepare for one of her most important days, she had to re-consider whether or not spending her life with someone she could not enjoy sex with was really a good idea. As sex is considered a decent slice of the pie when thinking about the major components of our lives, wouldn’t you want to make sure you actually enjoy sex with the person you are committing the rest of your life to?

In this day and age, if trying before buying is acceptable and even recommended, then Sex before Marriage, makes logical sense too, right? Or wrong? Thoughts?? Also, if you could go back in time, would you change anything about when you started having sex?

Falling in love with Potential

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism" -Elizabeth Gilbert
{"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 285}

This is deep! (Ladies), I must repeat, THIS IS DEEP!!! Do we as human (women) sometimes become blind-sighted by POTENTIAL? At times we may think, “Wow, this person is perfect…almost. If only, this, that and the other thing could be changed (just a little bit), then WE could live happily ever after!!!” Well guess what?!?!? People are very difficult to change! Point blank. I could stop writing here, but you know I have plenty more to say! So…people DO NOT change, UNLESS they WANT to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone live up to the potential you envision them having. They must see how much better their lives are going to be if they changed, but you, my dear, will not change a person.

A great show to watch is “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!” This remarkable Off-Broadway show "celebrates the modern-day suburban mating game" (http://www.loveperfectchange.com/). It shows us how we as humans become infatuated with the significant other in our lives, but after some time, may we want them to change. Why? I guess it’s just human nature to want things our way at all times.

Elizabeth (above) states that not only does she fall in love with someone’s potential, but then it takes forever to get over this person if they end up breaking up. It’s difficult letting your love go, or even trying to force it to subside. But as they say…time heals (most).

At the end of the day, we must realize that falling in love with someone may need to happen when we understand that we are imperfect AND when we are ready to accept another imperfect human being with ALL their flaws/idiosyncrasies/vices/etc. You should try to tone down your high floating, blissful optimism and come back to earth where the laws of reality should state that people change on their own accord...not on your time line.

Ouchie! The truth hurts :-/

8 Signs Your Relationship Is in Jeopardy

When things are going right between you and your partner, you can feel it. You're happy when you are together; you support each other; you think and talk about each other (in positive ways) when you're not together.

And when things aren't going well, you can feel that, too. Here are eight signs that your relationship may be in jeopardy.

1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.
2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.
3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.
4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.
5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.
6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.
7. One of you isn't feeling supported.
8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.

1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.It's a fair request to ask for some clarity about where the relationship is going. You don't want to put too much pressure on the other person, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get a sense of where things stand. If your partner freaks out and gets defensive whenever you bring up the subject, then he or she may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. That's not necessarily a problem, especially early in your time together. But if you two have been together for a good long while and your partner still doesn't want to even discuss the status of your relationship, then that's a definite sign that your relationship is in jeopardy

2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.Ideally, a relationship is made up of two individuals who work to achieve a balance. On the one hand, they each want to make sure that their individual needs are being met. On the other hand, they want to make sacrifices for their partner and compromise, even when it goes against their own desires. If your partner is demanding too much attention, ordering you around, and insisting on having his or her way every time a disagreement arises, then that's a problem. You two are probably going to have a hard time building the kind of respectful relationship that allows for maximum personal and relational growth if one of you refuses to compromise and sacrifice.

3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.When you two talk about how things are going between you, do you seem to always end up trying to address problems? If so, your relationship might be in trouble. This isn't to say that you shouldn't address relational obstacles. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict and struggle from time to time. And, of course, you two should try to resolve whatever difficulties you face together. But if it seems that all you ever do when you talk about your relationship is solve problems and overcome difficulties, as opposed to enjoying each other's company and laughing together, then something may not be quite right between you.

4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.Again, there's nothing wrong with arguing. All couples do. And conflict, when it's handled in a way that is respectful, can actually be good for a relationship. But if you feel that all you and your partner do is argue, that's a problem. A healthy relationship is full of laughter, gratitude, kindness, and respect. If conflict is crowding out all these elements and leaving you with nothing but constant squabbling, then it's going to be tough to build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.There has to be a high level of trust for any relationship to work. Both people need to know that when they aren't together, they don't have to worry about what the other person is up to. If you find yourself always wondering if your partner is being true, then that will be a huge hurdle for your relationship to overcome. Likewise, if your partner refuses to trust you even though you have given him or her no reason to doubt you, that's another sign that the relationship isn't headed in a promising direction.

6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.There are going to be times when one of you legitimately has to spend extra time at work or on some other type of project. And there will be times when you'll spend time with other friends and your family. But if an ongoing pattern emerges where your significant other is repeatedly choosing to spend more time with his or her friends than with you, or to put in more time than necessary at work, it could be a warning sign. When all kinds of distractions continually pull your partner away, there's a good chance that those distractions have become more important in your partner's mind than you are.

7. One of you isn't feeling supported. Constant (or even frequent) criticism is one of the most obvious signs that a relationship is in trouble. It can really wear you down to hear over and over again that you should dress differently, avoid making a certain type of joke, or act a certain way when you're with a certain group of friends. And it's just as hard on a relationship. Constant criticism is often a sign of underlying anger or insecurity-neither of which makes a relationship work well. If you continually harp on the negative characteristics of each other, leaving out all the positive qualities you each possess, then it's going to be hard for the relationship to succeed.

8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.We all have certain desires and expectations for how we expect to be treated by the people we care about. And some of those desires and expectations are actual needs. In other words, we can't survive and thrive as individuals if those needs aren't met. So if one or both of you is failing to have your most basic emotional needs addressed by the connection you share, then that's a definite sign that your relationship may be in jeopardy.

If two or three of the items in this list apply to you and your partner, there may not be anything to really worry about it. You should still explore that facet of your relationship and see if you can strengthen the bond you share. But as noted before, even the best relationships struggle from time to time.

However, if you read through the eight signs listed in this article and found yourself relating to these issues much more than you'd like, then this is a good time to give some serious thought to the question of whether this a relationship into which you want to invest so much of your time, mind, and heart.

Posted Nov 14th 2008 3:31PM
by eHarmony Advice

http://www.personals.aol.com/articles/2008/11/14/8-signs-your-relationship-is-in-jeopardy/

Balance

"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." -Wayan

{Pages 298 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}

Is Sex Ever Safe?

"Odd how only when our physical life is at risk, do we follow certain guidelines to protect ourselves. But what about our emotional lives? Wouldn't it be nice if there was a little pamphlet to warn us what unsafe behavior might be high risk to ourselves or our relationships? And even if you take all the precautions and emotionally try to protect yourself, when you crawl in bed with someone is sex ever safe?" -Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City, Season 3, Episode 41}

So...you ended a relationship and both you and your ex have moved on. Time passes, and maybe one of you got married to someone else or you are just both in other relationships. When you finally see one another (maybe you bump into one another on the street, drive up next to one another at a stoplight, whatever the encounter may be), you both get that funny feeling in your stomach you always used to get in the beginning of your relationship. Your heart starts beating triple time, your palms get sweaty, the butterflies are flying rampant in our tightly woven intestines. And with the slight lift of one eyebrow, you think: "What is the harm in rekindling an old flame. We've already slept with one another so it doesn't count if we do it again, right?"

In the Sex and The City episode described above, Carrie was sleeping with her Ex, Mr. Big, while she was dating someone and while he was married to a young lady named Natasha. The butterflies were so strong that they could not hold back and they went at it, again, and again, and again. They would meet in random hotels in the city, at odd hours, for a quickie here or there, but in the end, they were both still cheating on their significant others (whether they had been with one another before the new people came in the picture). Also, something inside of Carrie knew that Mr. Big was not going to commit to her, especially because he could have his cake and eat it too. Hate to ruin it for you, but at the end of this Episode Carrie and Mr. Big meet again. This time in his house. They make love on the bed he usually sleeps with his wife in. His wife comes home early from a trip and finds Carrie trying to exit her once happy home. This, similar to most infidelity stricken relationships, did not end on a good note. FOUR people were extremely hurt by Carrie and Big's selfish behavior.

Although Carrie may not have been being physically hurt by this experience with Mr. Big, her emotions where on a roller coaster ride that would soon come crashing down. So, why do we put ourselves in these types of situations? Why do we continue to get into toxic relationships when we know that we are headed full-steam down a dead-end street? Why do we look both ways when we are crossing the street, yet we don't truly analyze how our actions in certain relationships will affect us or others emotionally? As Carrie asked above, even if we had a huge rule book on relationships and emotions, are we ever truly safe when dealing with intimacy, love, sex or any matters of the heart?

Moral of the story: think before you act.

Ne-Yo's "It Just Ain't Right" video:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yswCOR76GCM

So many questions?!

In olden days (although this does still exist in some cultures), fathers would sit with their daughters’ suitors and ask questions such as:

(1) How will you provide for my daughter?
(2) What is your reputation in this community?
(3) How is your health?
(4) Where will you take her to live?
(5) What are your debts and your assets?
(6) What are the strengths of your character?

Although now-a-days our parents are not prone to ask these sorts of questions, these are still very relevant questions we may want to discuss with a potential life partner. It's no longer only about falling in love and living happily ever after (was it ever?). There are some funny/satirical (although true) freecreditreport.com commercials about getting your credit straight before getting married. Health is huge in today's society with all of the sexually transmitted diseases, let alone all of the health problems that can come about later in life (due to family history) and/or that you can pass on to your children. What religious beliefs (if any) do you want to live by/raise your children by? Where will you and your new family live? Do you mind if your partner spends time with their family members (you’d be surprised how many relationships are shattered due to family ties)? What moral/values do you both live by? It’s important to get a lot of things out on the table before taking the plunge because although our personalities evolve/change/grow with time, the discussions should be taken care of up front. Decide what you can and cannot live with and then move on from there. Communicate!

Is Love Always Complicated?

"I was more confident about sex and romance when I was sixteen than I am now" -Elizabeth Gilbert

"Of course you were. You were young and stupid then. Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we're doing? Do you think there's any way humans can love each other without complication? You should see how it happens in Bali, darling. All these Western men come here after they've made a mess of their lives back home, and they decide they've had it with Western women, and they go marry some tiny, sweet, obedient little Balinese teenage girl. I know what they’re thinking. They think this pretty little girl will make them happy, make their lives easy. But whenever I see it happen, I always want to say the same thing. Good luck. Because you still have a women in front of you, my friend. And you're still a man. It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Felipe the Brazilian

{Pages 276-277 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}

This excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” poses a great question: Is love always complicated? Jazmin Sullivan’s song Lions and Tigers also discusses loves complications by saying things such as, “Just ‘cause I love u and u love me, it doesn't mean that that we're meant to be” and “Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?.” It is true that when you merge two human beings, two human lives, different backgrounds, ways of thinking, morals, values, etc. things are difficult, but is it impossible? With the divorce rate as high as it is and the infidelity rate sky rocketing in this day and age, will relationships become obsolete in the near future? Is it just too complicated to even try?

Felipe (above) said that we must still try to love one another because having a broken heart means that you have tried for something. I agree with Felipe in that even though love can hurt at times, we must work towards making relationships work. As hard as it may be, it’s nice to have someone by your side, someone to grow old with, share special moments with, EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH.

I say, let the complications live on. I say LET LOVE LIVE on.


Jazmine Sullivan’s "Lions & Tigers":



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7kBIGx6a9g

[Chorus]
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh my]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

[Verse]
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we're meant to be,
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

[Chorus]

[Verse]
Most circumstances I know my fate
But in this love thing I don't get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend?
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we'll ever be,
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I'm not sure no, I'm not sure
But if we never try we'll never know
It's better to have loved than not to love at all
But trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if what we do?
I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be
Sweet memories

[Chorus]