"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism" -Elizabeth Gilbert
{"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 285}
This is deep! (Ladies), I must repeat, THIS IS DEEP!!! Do we as human (women) sometimes become blind-sighted by POTENTIAL? At times we may think, “Wow, this person is perfect…almost. If only, this, that and the other thing could be changed (just a little bit), then WE could live happily ever after!!!” Well guess what?!?!? People are very difficult to change! Point blank. I could stop writing here, but you know I have plenty more to say! So…people DO NOT change, UNLESS they WANT to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone live up to the potential you envision them having. They must see how much better their lives are going to be if they changed, but you, my dear, will not change a person.
A great show to watch is “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!” This remarkable Off-Broadway show "celebrates the modern-day suburban mating game" (http://www.loveperfectchange.com/). It shows us how we as humans become infatuated with the significant other in our lives, but after some time, may we want them to change. Why? I guess it’s just human nature to want things our way at all times.
Elizabeth (above) states that not only does she fall in love with someone’s potential, but then it takes forever to get over this person if they end up breaking up. It’s difficult letting your love go, or even trying to force it to subside. But as they say…time heals (most).
At the end of the day, we must realize that falling in love with someone may need to happen when we understand that we are imperfect AND when we are ready to accept another imperfect human being with ALL their flaws/idiosyncrasies/vices/etc. You should try to tone down your high floating, blissful optimism and come back to earth where the laws of reality should state that people change on their own accord...not on your time line.
Ouchie! The truth hurts :-/
8 comments:
I see I share a common history with Elizabeth, and when the disappointment hits..boy does it HIT! But I have accepted that its my fault and I honestly do it to myself. I always try to "save" someone and maybe I need to think about myself and my real wants and needs. I love the last sentence:"Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism"..Yes, thats me..
I want to share 2 quotes that are fitting for this entry:
"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It mean you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"
"Love is...loving an imperfect person perfectly"
I have found change to be nothing but disaster for a relationship, and a selfish victory for the person who is changing...or evolving as I would put it. When a woman (since the blog is about the woman side of change) falls in love with a man based on potential, she is really falling in love with the man as he currently is. You cannot forecast how a person will be after any change in who they are occurs. What happens next is a man goes thru whatever change he may, only for the woman to realize she liked him MORE before the transformation!!
The woman ends up disappointed while the man feels accomplished in whatever change he saw fit to make...
PREACH PREACH!!!! CLAP IT UP!!!! Falling in love with what someone could be is a set up for failure.
I agree with you, this does happen too many times, when will we learn. Men won't change, either you love them for who they are or find someone new!
*RC
hey the way i see it i am ready for kinetic. The new theme for Ohen is, "Baby lets get kinetic"
*OA
I second that. . .yes yes and yes. . .every woman I know has fallen in love with the man they know he can become and in the process excused the man that he is. Unfortunately, it is often to our detriment especially when this potential fails to be actualized primarily due to the fact that they can't see it themselves. . .
Moral of the story, never expect to change people
I feel like we need a male opinion...yall are killin my compadres in here lol
Nah, you can't expect to change anyone. However, you can aid in the growth process. Individuals are who they are because they have grown comfortable being such...when a man says he needs a backbone, it's not in case he slips and falls, it's so he's pushed to excel beyond his current position
Potential is nothing without effort, but effort is lost without reciprocity...if you make a man realize how much he has grown in the period that you have been in his life, there's no way that he can ever doubt your worth
In turn, you'll feel that back support as well
That's one to grown on...
*JAMAL
I love "Eat, Pray, Love"...just finished it. And I agree...potential is not enough and people dont change unless they are ready to change. No one can control a persons actions. If we are with someone we have to accept them as is. If you dont accept them as is, then let them find someone who will. I also agree with Jamal. Some people just need a little support and help, but this only works and is a positive experience if the person knows themselves, if they're soul searching and come to you and say, "I need help." People can grow together, as Cory pointed out, but the individuals have to love themselves, know themselves (the bad and the good, what needs to be worked on and what you are not willing to change), in order to come together and become a healthy, loving, compromising couple.
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