On-Again, Off-Again Relationships

"Most of us have experienced a “bad but it feels so good” relationship at least once in our lives. The chemistry we experience with this person may cloud the reality that perhaps we’re not really such a great match. On-again, off-again relationships increase stress and take an emotional toll on a couple. So why do we allow ourselves to continue in the drama of a yo-yo relationship?

Some people love the “highs” of a tumultuous relationship so much that they readily accept the lows—the fights, the break ups, the tears. But in healthy relationships, you are not always going to feel a “high.” Eventually, your emotions and hormones will level off—at this point you can determine if you and your partner have what it takes to make your relationship last.

Another reason some people seem to get caught up in an on-again/off-again relationship is simply out of habit. They are used to being in a relationship, and when they’re not in one, a few days of loneliness can spur an unhappy person into giving an ex a second (or third, or fourth) chance. However, being single can be a tremendous opportunity for growth, development and self-awareness. And truly—are we ever really alone? Sometimes, surrounding ourselves with friends, family and co-workers is a healthier alternative than being in a relationship that will likely go awry again.

Low self-esteem can also make us vulnerable to on-again, off-again relationships. But healthy self-esteem comes from within—not from a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you are struggling to boost your self-esteem on your own, a professional life coach or counselor is likely to be a better source for helping build your confidence.

If you find yourself in a relationship that seems to be stuck in the on-off cycle, ask yourself why. Why do you consistently go back to this person, knowing the relationship isn’t going to work? What is the core issue between you? Do you have different values and beliefs? Is he/she abusive in some way? Is there an addiction problem? Or perhaps the issue is something fundamental, like you live in different cities and neither of you is willing to compromise. Regardless of the reason your relationship keeps spinning off its wobbly axis, chances are, it’s not going to change.

Granted, there are exceptions. Sometimes being apart can lead to a deeper appreciation of the other person. A reunion can be sweet; it’s tempting to assume your partner has permanently changed for the better. But unless both people are willing to commit to working on the big issues, underlying conflicts will simmer and eventually rear their ugly heads.

So, how can you decide whether it’s time to cut and run for good—or sign on for the long haul? A recent article in Psychology Today recommends the following:

(1) Adopt a worst-case-scenario mindset. Many perpetual relationship “yo-yoers” keep coming back because they assume they can change their partner’s worst habits. But that’s usually wishful thinking, psychotherapist Toni Coleman says. “You have to assume that the behaviors you see will get more entrenched and worse over time. Ask yourself, ‘If that turns out to be the case, will I still want to be in this relationship?’”

(2) Seek advice from a trusted third party. Therapists can fill this role, but family and friends can be just as helpful.

(3) Take a time-out. While hiatuses are par for the course in on-again, off-again relationships, resolve to make this one different. Use the emotional distance to think clearly about what you want from a long-term relationship. If your partner doesn’t measure up, make the hiatus permanent."

Source: Two of Us