True or False?
• I think of my former love partner often.
• I fantasize about being with my former love partner.
• I find excuses to talk to my former love partner.
• I talk about my former love partner often to others.
• I am angry with my former love partner.
• I still try to please my former love partner.
• I still have an emotional commitment to my former love partner.
• I still think my former partner and I will get back together.
• I become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.
If you answered True to at least one or more of the above statements then you may not have completely let go of your past relationship. You are carrying around some extra baggage that could get in the way of you starting a new relationship and moving forward in a more positive way. [1]
So tell me…How do you let go? How do you let go of Love? Is it ever possible to simple move on and never look back? Never reminisce about the incredible moments and experiences you shared? Can someone simply close a chapter of true love in their lives and just open up to a new chapter?
Is it generally easier, if you are the one walking away from a relationship? That may be the case, but what if a glimmer of hope still exists in your heart, in your mind? If you are on the other side of the equation, the brokenhearted one, things can be tremendously difficult for you. You may have an overwhelming feeling of never wanting to love another person again for fear of getting your heart broken yet again. What if you were dumped but are not sure that it is still over? You fear moving on because of the possibility (which may solely exist in your mind), that your ex will realize what he/she has done and come back to you.
In order to move on, you may need to take a step back and examine what may have been fundamentally broken in your relationship. Thoroughly analyze the negative aspects of the relationship that may have led to the break-up. Something must have been wrong in order to lead to this separation. Be honest with yourself about the extent to which the other person was really meeting your needs.
• Were they emotionally deficient?
• Were they at your level in terms of intimacy? Intellect? Financial goals? Career goals and aspirations?
• Was this person limiting you by giving you barriers as to what you could/could not do on a regular basis?
• Were their family members people you could get along with in the long run?
• Was this person family oriented? Or did they lead a single-person life?
• Did you get the feeling that they could be cheating or are capable of doing so in the future?
“Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he/she was.”[2] Did your partner change over time? The best indicator of future behavior is to look at the past. It’s difficult, if not impossible for people to change so if your ex changed for the worse, walk away and don’t look back. ”Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. As long you are obsessed on this [person], you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one. Set some goals and start putting your life back together.
Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?” [2]
Don’t look through old pictures or home videos and don’t wallow in self-pity while listening to sad love songs that remind you of him/her. Try to cut off all communication to reduce the temptation to start something up again, especially if you are the one being dumped.
Some of us lose our own identity while in a relationship. Get to know who you are and who you were before this person entered (and exited) your life. Some activities you can participate in to reinvigorate yourself, include but are not limited to the following: take classes, make new friends or hang out with old friends with which you may have lost touch, start a hobby or get back into an old hobby and/or volunteer at a local organization.
Try not to generalize and understand that the next person that enters your life is not your Ex. Give them a fair chance and learn to trust again. Even though a new person may not have some or all of the great qualities you thought your ex had, this new person may have a lot of qualities you wish your Ex would have had. Lastly, remember “Que sera, sera.” If you are meant to be (as a couple), you will be. Best of luck!
Resources: [1] http://www.positive-way.com/letting_go_of_a_past_relationshi.htm [2] http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/172
“Dime” by Ivy Queen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y8EW7YBuiA
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
When a Man Loves a Woman
"When a Man Loves a Woman" by Michael Bolton
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u2_GQlwxbI
I believe that women generally give of themselves more freely than men. I think it is an innate, motherly behavior that most women are simply born with. Men, however take a little longer to be able to freely express their emotions. "I love you" are very difficult words for most men to utter, let alone believe they actually love the person they are with. The wisest ladies in my life (namely my mother and grandmother) have told me that when a man loves a women, he is willing to lay down his life for her. They say that a man would do anything for his lady if he truly loves her. He becomes blinded to all of her imperfections and is willing to give her his all.
Love is a beautiful thing and when it is openly and freely expressed towards another human being, it is almost magical. When two people join and start experiencing their lives together and growing as one, as long as they both work on that unity, they could accomplish anything. It is beautiful to see the miracles that take place in a loving household. Everyone is genuinely happy and working towards the same goals.
May all of the families in this world be blessed this Holiday Season and I wish that 2009 brings every family health, happiness, success, prosperity and unconditional love. Merry Christmas everyone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3u2_GQlwxbI
I believe that women generally give of themselves more freely than men. I think it is an innate, motherly behavior that most women are simply born with. Men, however take a little longer to be able to freely express their emotions. "I love you" are very difficult words for most men to utter, let alone believe they actually love the person they are with. The wisest ladies in my life (namely my mother and grandmother) have told me that when a man loves a women, he is willing to lay down his life for her. They say that a man would do anything for his lady if he truly loves her. He becomes blinded to all of her imperfections and is willing to give her his all.
Love is a beautiful thing and when it is openly and freely expressed towards another human being, it is almost magical. When two people join and start experiencing their lives together and growing as one, as long as they both work on that unity, they could accomplish anything. It is beautiful to see the miracles that take place in a loving household. Everyone is genuinely happy and working towards the same goals.
May all of the families in this world be blessed this Holiday Season and I wish that 2009 brings every family health, happiness, success, prosperity and unconditional love. Merry Christmas everyone!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
"My Marriage is a Fake Fendi."
"My Marriage is a Fake Fendi. (We) look like the perfect couple from the outside, but on the inside it’s all fake; it’s not special. He can't even get it up." -Charlotte {Sex and The City Season 3, Episode 44 "Sex and Another City"}
From an outsiders perspective your relationship looks like the ideal bond.
*You and your partner are always hugging, kissing, holding hands, smiling, etc.
*Your pictures look like a family portrait most would only dream of having.
*Your outfits are always perfectly coordinated.
*If you have children, they seem like the most well-behaved, intelligent bunch of little angels.
*Your relationship is the perfect IPO (Initial Public Offering) all investors are waiting to jump on. Assets...check. Return on Investment...check. All ratios in line with or better than the competition...double check.
However, when you sit and analyze your relationship from an insider’s point of view, you begin to notice that "Fraudulent" or “Scandal” do not even sound like adequate words to describe the true status of affairs. Cheating, lying, stealing, lack of intimacy behind closed doors, physical and/or verbal abuse among other negative activities may have taken place in your relationship. Or maybe none of these things have happened, yet there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture, yet you hide it all too well.
You think: why start over in a new relationship, when you have been together for so long? Why break up a happy home and expose your children to the heart-wrenching effects of separation or divorce? Why have everyone around you bad mouth you and your partner when everyone thinks that everything is just great?! Oh and God forbid you have to change your status on Myspace, Facebook, hi5 and the sixteen other online accounts you both have!! All of your friends and family will inevitably comment on how they had no idea something was wrong and/or how they think you two make the best couple and that everything is bound to work out!!
The easiest way out may seem to be to suck it up and walk with your head high and strut your fake Fendi, until it falls apart or you decide to get a new one. Don't disturb the peace or stir the calm waters. I hate to break it to you, but playing make-believe may not always be the solution. As tedious a task as it may seem, consider the positive and negative aspects of your relationship by actually listing them out (on paper). Do the Pros weigh the Cons? Or vice versa? Have you noticed that the list of negatives has been increasing over time? If so, do you think life would be easier if you happen to find someone else to build a (real) life with? Are there things you could change within yourself to better the situation? Have you ever even discussed the underlying troubles your partnership is facing? At the end of the day, consider all aspects of what you are experiencing. Is a real Fendi THAT much better than the one sold on the street for one-fourth the price?
Additional Readings: "The Grass is always greener on the other side" Posted October 24, 2008
From an outsiders perspective your relationship looks like the ideal bond.
*You and your partner are always hugging, kissing, holding hands, smiling, etc.
*Your pictures look like a family portrait most would only dream of having.
*Your outfits are always perfectly coordinated.
*If you have children, they seem like the most well-behaved, intelligent bunch of little angels.
*Your relationship is the perfect IPO (Initial Public Offering) all investors are waiting to jump on. Assets...check. Return on Investment...check. All ratios in line with or better than the competition...double check.
However, when you sit and analyze your relationship from an insider’s point of view, you begin to notice that "Fraudulent" or “Scandal” do not even sound like adequate words to describe the true status of affairs. Cheating, lying, stealing, lack of intimacy behind closed doors, physical and/or verbal abuse among other negative activities may have taken place in your relationship. Or maybe none of these things have happened, yet there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture, yet you hide it all too well.
You think: why start over in a new relationship, when you have been together for so long? Why break up a happy home and expose your children to the heart-wrenching effects of separation or divorce? Why have everyone around you bad mouth you and your partner when everyone thinks that everything is just great?! Oh and God forbid you have to change your status on Myspace, Facebook, hi5 and the sixteen other online accounts you both have!! All of your friends and family will inevitably comment on how they had no idea something was wrong and/or how they think you two make the best couple and that everything is bound to work out!!
The easiest way out may seem to be to suck it up and walk with your head high and strut your fake Fendi, until it falls apart or you decide to get a new one. Don't disturb the peace or stir the calm waters. I hate to break it to you, but playing make-believe may not always be the solution. As tedious a task as it may seem, consider the positive and negative aspects of your relationship by actually listing them out (on paper). Do the Pros weigh the Cons? Or vice versa? Have you noticed that the list of negatives has been increasing over time? If so, do you think life would be easier if you happen to find someone else to build a (real) life with? Are there things you could change within yourself to better the situation? Have you ever even discussed the underlying troubles your partnership is facing? At the end of the day, consider all aspects of what you are experiencing. Is a real Fendi THAT much better than the one sold on the street for one-fourth the price?
Additional Readings: "The Grass is always greener on the other side" Posted October 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Holiday Blues...
Awww how adorable!?! You notice a couple stop right in front of you to take cutesy kissy pictures. Oh and there is another one hugging to keep warm as they wait to cross the street! But there is more, you can’t miss that couple over there holding hands and skipping!!! Everyone around you is smiling, laughing, cheerful. You, however, walk around the city feeling empty, gloomy and alone. When you get home, an overwhelming chill fills your entire being as cold air seeps through your window pain while soft snow flakes cover the ground just outside.
Winter has arrived and the Holidays are upon us. Whether you are short, tall, skinny, or pleasantly plump, married, single, divorced, widowed or separated, you’ve got to experience the Holidays. Now, the experiences will be different for everyone in these ‘categories.’ For some: ‘tis the season to be Jolly; for others: the Holiday season can be a time of great depression, so we must ensure that our minds are ready for what could potentially be a bumpy ride.
How do the holidays affect people in healthy relationships or not-so-healthy relationships? How about the people that are not in relationships, or just finished ending a short/long-term love affair? Is it worth-while to fake the happiness if you are feeling a little blue after just having gone through a separation or divorce? For those of you in a relationship, has the stress of the Holidays and the state of the economy (the recession/depression) brought you down to an all time low?
The “Law of Attraction” (Watch/read "The Secret") states that ‘what you think about, you bring about,’ so maybe ‘acting’ as if you are happy may in fact bring about this happiness you are calling into your life. Even though watching a movie alone, while sipping on hot chocolate in a cold, lonely room might not sound appealing, maybe thinking about it in a positive light will help matters. Think about it this way, it could be worse! There are plenty of married/dating couples that are in negative or abusive relationships and the stress of the Holidays does not help their situations. Your current state of singless-ness may not be that bad after all!
Some people think about how holidays were in the past when so and so was around, or when they used to participate in this or that activity. It may be beneficial to stop dwelling on the past and think about all of the positive aspects of the current Holiday season. Do not let the pressures of spending time with allll of your family members and buying gifts for everyone at home and work, get you down. Set realistic goals for your self in terms of who you could spend time with and budget wisely to reduce financial stress. To take the focus off of your situation (whatever it may be), you could try to volunteer for an organization with needy children and/or adults. This may help you appreciate all of the positive aspects of your life. Also, try not to abuse of alcohol or drugs to mask your sadness. It may only hurt in the long run.
Happy Holidays to you all and may 2009 bring you continuous joy in all of your relationships.
Resource: http://www.umm.edu/features/holiday_blues.htm
Winter has arrived and the Holidays are upon us. Whether you are short, tall, skinny, or pleasantly plump, married, single, divorced, widowed or separated, you’ve got to experience the Holidays. Now, the experiences will be different for everyone in these ‘categories.’ For some: ‘tis the season to be Jolly; for others: the Holiday season can be a time of great depression, so we must ensure that our minds are ready for what could potentially be a bumpy ride.
How do the holidays affect people in healthy relationships or not-so-healthy relationships? How about the people that are not in relationships, or just finished ending a short/long-term love affair? Is it worth-while to fake the happiness if you are feeling a little blue after just having gone through a separation or divorce? For those of you in a relationship, has the stress of the Holidays and the state of the economy (the recession/depression) brought you down to an all time low?
The “Law of Attraction” (Watch/read "The Secret") states that ‘what you think about, you bring about,’ so maybe ‘acting’ as if you are happy may in fact bring about this happiness you are calling into your life. Even though watching a movie alone, while sipping on hot chocolate in a cold, lonely room might not sound appealing, maybe thinking about it in a positive light will help matters. Think about it this way, it could be worse! There are plenty of married/dating couples that are in negative or abusive relationships and the stress of the Holidays does not help their situations. Your current state of singless-ness may not be that bad after all!
Some people think about how holidays were in the past when so and so was around, or when they used to participate in this or that activity. It may be beneficial to stop dwelling on the past and think about all of the positive aspects of the current Holiday season. Do not let the pressures of spending time with allll of your family members and buying gifts for everyone at home and work, get you down. Set realistic goals for your self in terms of who you could spend time with and budget wisely to reduce financial stress. To take the focus off of your situation (whatever it may be), you could try to volunteer for an organization with needy children and/or adults. This may help you appreciate all of the positive aspects of your life. Also, try not to abuse of alcohol or drugs to mask your sadness. It may only hurt in the long run.
Happy Holidays to you all and may 2009 bring you continuous joy in all of your relationships.
Resource: http://www.umm.edu/features/holiday_blues.htm
Friday, December 19, 2008
Keeping the Peace: Restoring Financial Harmony to Your Relationships
Money: It's one of the top three causes of conflict in relationships. Whether it's husbands and wives, parents and their children, friends or business partners, it's a subject that can drive a debilitating wedge between two people who otherwise are perfectly in tune with each other.
To keep the peace in your relationship, follow the three C's of financial harmony:
Communicate: Start by talking about your individual money styles. What do you like about the other person's attitudes toward money? What parts of their money personality don't you like? What results do you fear? You might tell an overspender that you like his spontaneity and generosity, but you fear he will neglect important financial goals unless he sticks to a budget.
Compromise: Having expressed your concerns about current behavior, discuss the facts surrounding the situation. What are each partner's goals? Start moving toward the middle, with each person making certain concessions that bring the team closer together. For example, a parent worried about her son's inattention to saving might require that a certain percentage of his income from a part-time job go into a college fund, allowing him to spend the remainder freely.
Commit: In the interest of saving an otherwise good relationship, you may have to change the way you have been doing things. Change is not easy—it takes commitment. You may even want to separate finances completely. If there are good reasons to keep some of your money together, make arrangements that require both partners' approval before money is withdrawn or keep the balances low enough that one person's indiscretion won't damage your overall financial health or the health of your relationship.
Balance Financial Fitness Program. (2005). Keeping the peace: Restoring financial harmony to your relationships. Retrieved October 22, 2008, from http://www.balancepro.net
To keep the peace in your relationship, follow the three C's of financial harmony:
Communicate: Start by talking about your individual money styles. What do you like about the other person's attitudes toward money? What parts of their money personality don't you like? What results do you fear? You might tell an overspender that you like his spontaneity and generosity, but you fear he will neglect important financial goals unless he sticks to a budget.
Compromise: Having expressed your concerns about current behavior, discuss the facts surrounding the situation. What are each partner's goals? Start moving toward the middle, with each person making certain concessions that bring the team closer together. For example, a parent worried about her son's inattention to saving might require that a certain percentage of his income from a part-time job go into a college fund, allowing him to spend the remainder freely.
Commit: In the interest of saving an otherwise good relationship, you may have to change the way you have been doing things. Change is not easy—it takes commitment. You may even want to separate finances completely. If there are good reasons to keep some of your money together, make arrangements that require both partners' approval before money is withdrawn or keep the balances low enough that one person's indiscretion won't damage your overall financial health or the health of your relationship.
Balance Financial Fitness Program. (2005). Keeping the peace: Restoring financial harmony to your relationships. Retrieved October 22, 2008, from http://www.balancepro.net
Monday, December 15, 2008
Some additional tips..
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Dating 101: How to Say "I Love You" Without Uttering a Word
Here are eight ways you can let your mate know you love them without verbalizing it:
1. Stop off on your way home from work
2. Throw that secret look
3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket
4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit
5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books
6. Do a good deed for your partner
7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it
8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day
It is very easy to take advantage of your mate; we all do it, but when you are in a committed relationship, it is important to make an effort to continue to let your mate know (on a regular basis) that you love them. Sadly, saying "I love you" the same old way eventually loses its meaning or impact.
I know couples who do the same routine every day -- dress, shower, pack the briefcase and head out the door -- with a "love you" as they give their mate a peck on the cheek. But that gets old and stale. Finding new ways to express that sentiment is key to not only keeping your relationship intact but strengthening your bond in a very deep way. In my book, "Divorce: It's All About Control -- How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars," I talk about loss of love or intimacy. You need intimacy to keep a committed relationship healthy. Without expressing those feelings continuously, intimacy will dissipate and you and/or your partner will begin to look for it elsewhere.
A little creativity and going the extra mile in the "I love you" department will pay huge dividends in your relationship, so if you are not already saying "I love you" in different ways, start now.
1. Stop off on your way home from work: Pick up your sweetheart's favorite "thing." Maybe it's a special flavor of Haagen-Dazs, the pizza with that wacky assortment of toppings, a new book by his/her favorite author, a CD he/she has mentioned wanting to get, a t-shirt with her/his (or as a couple your) favorite sayings on it. How about the laundry he/she keeps forgetting to pick up. Do not make a big deal of this little "love token" by some grand verbal announcement of it, instead leave it somewhere in the house where he/she will soon find it.
2. Throw that secret look: Send a smile or smirk that only the two of you understand. No words need to accompany it. Maybe it is a wink or nod or other signal the two of you have established that means, "I love you." Sending it to your lover when it is most unexpected, gesticulates tremendous warmth and affection. In all its silence, this beacon of love can end an argument, set up a soon-to-be intimate encounter or just remind your partner you are thinking special thoughts about them right in the middle of, well, nothing in particular.
3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket: Though it may be days or weeks before he/she finds and sees it. No need to ask, "Did you get my note?" Just let your mate come upon it randomly. Whenar mate does, the impact will be stupendous!
4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit: Make an obvious effort to stop doing it. That could include picking up your dirty socks to cleaning the empty coffee cups off the center console of the car to tossing your gum in the trash when you have the urge to smack it. Do not say, "See, I'm working on that." Your actions will speak for themselves.
5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books: Send one that has a message in it that only the two of you would get -- an affectionate or humorous one -- that reminds them you would not want to belong to anyone else. Shhh, do not mention it. By sending it, you have said it all.
6. Do a good deed for your partner: One they know you typically avoid taking on and expect them to do instead. This might be taking out the trash, cleaning up after dinner, making the kids' lunches, running to the grocery store, etc. Knowing that you did the chore or task he/she knows you generally dislike can speak volumes of how you feel about him/her.
7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it: Whether it is on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, inside the checkbook or day planner or on their dashboard. Next to it, write, "Best day of my life." No need to say "I love you," you just did.
8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day: Not as a request for intimacy, but as a gesture of warmth and respect. A slight and tender stroke across his/her shoulder or a few soft fingertips across the cheek can speak loudly and clearly.
It's time for you to make your list. When you can, add to it. Be creative. No matter how spectacular you currently believe your relationship to be, notice how much more rich it becomes.
By Stacy D. Phillips www.hitchedmag.com Updated: Dec 8, 2008
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24164/dating-101-how-to-say-i-love-you-without-uttering-a-word
1. Stop off on your way home from work
2. Throw that secret look
3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket
4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit
5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books
6. Do a good deed for your partner
7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it
8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day
It is very easy to take advantage of your mate; we all do it, but when you are in a committed relationship, it is important to make an effort to continue to let your mate know (on a regular basis) that you love them. Sadly, saying "I love you" the same old way eventually loses its meaning or impact.
I know couples who do the same routine every day -- dress, shower, pack the briefcase and head out the door -- with a "love you" as they give their mate a peck on the cheek. But that gets old and stale. Finding new ways to express that sentiment is key to not only keeping your relationship intact but strengthening your bond in a very deep way. In my book, "Divorce: It's All About Control -- How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars," I talk about loss of love or intimacy. You need intimacy to keep a committed relationship healthy. Without expressing those feelings continuously, intimacy will dissipate and you and/or your partner will begin to look for it elsewhere.
A little creativity and going the extra mile in the "I love you" department will pay huge dividends in your relationship, so if you are not already saying "I love you" in different ways, start now.
1. Stop off on your way home from work: Pick up your sweetheart's favorite "thing." Maybe it's a special flavor of Haagen-Dazs, the pizza with that wacky assortment of toppings, a new book by his/her favorite author, a CD he/she has mentioned wanting to get, a t-shirt with her/his (or as a couple your) favorite sayings on it. How about the laundry he/she keeps forgetting to pick up. Do not make a big deal of this little "love token" by some grand verbal announcement of it, instead leave it somewhere in the house where he/she will soon find it.
2. Throw that secret look: Send a smile or smirk that only the two of you understand. No words need to accompany it. Maybe it is a wink or nod or other signal the two of you have established that means, "I love you." Sending it to your lover when it is most unexpected, gesticulates tremendous warmth and affection. In all its silence, this beacon of love can end an argument, set up a soon-to-be intimate encounter or just remind your partner you are thinking special thoughts about them right in the middle of, well, nothing in particular.
3. Slip a supportive note or affirmation in her purse/his jacket pocket: Though it may be days or weeks before he/she finds and sees it. No need to ask, "Did you get my note?" Just let your mate come upon it randomly. Whenar mate does, the impact will be stupendous!
4. Demonstrate that you are trying to correct that annoying habit: Make an obvious effort to stop doing it. That could include picking up your dirty socks to cleaning the empty coffee cups off the center console of the car to tossing your gum in the trash when you have the urge to smack it. Do not say, "See, I'm working on that." Your actions will speak for themselves.
5. Send one of those "just because" or "it made me think of you" cards or books: Send one that has a message in it that only the two of you would get -- an affectionate or humorous one -- that reminds them you would not want to belong to anyone else. Shhh, do not mention it. By sending it, you have said it all.
6. Do a good deed for your partner: One they know you typically avoid taking on and expect them to do instead. This might be taking out the trash, cleaning up after dinner, making the kids' lunches, running to the grocery store, etc. Knowing that you did the chore or task he/she knows you generally dislike can speak volumes of how you feel about him/her.
7. Post your anniversary date in a place where your mate will see it: Whether it is on the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator door, inside the checkbook or day planner or on their dashboard. Next to it, write, "Best day of my life." No need to say "I love you," you just did.
8. Extend a gentle touch at least once a day: Not as a request for intimacy, but as a gesture of warmth and respect. A slight and tender stroke across his/her shoulder or a few soft fingertips across the cheek can speak loudly and clearly.
It's time for you to make your list. When you can, add to it. Be creative. No matter how spectacular you currently believe your relationship to be, notice how much more rich it becomes.
By Stacy D. Phillips www.hitchedmag.com Updated: Dec 8, 2008
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24164/dating-101-how-to-say-i-love-you-without-uttering-a-word
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Jealousy & Paranoia: Relationship Killers
“Paranoid” by Kanye West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irBP5FnksKc
"It was one of the most humiliating and painful events of her life, but it wasn't the first time she was the victim of her husband's intense jealousy & paranoia. It was his family event, but because he had to work, the wife took their three sons to his parents' home for the barbeque. As she was standing talking to his brother, her husband arrived, walked up behind her, whirled her around and punched her in the face-- breaking her nose, splattering blood down the front of her cute summer outfit. He then accused her of sleeping with his brother.
Jealousy and paranoia are both 'rooted in fear', says Dr. Ronn Elmore, a relationship therapist, ordained minister and author. He says jealousy starts when 'our head starts talking to us, making us suspicious.' Paranoia kicks in when we are no longer questioning whether a suspicion is true. We've concluded that it's true and are considering aggressively acting on these suspicions.
'You can't let someone's insecurities become your shortcoming. Rejection coupled with anger and rage will become a very toxic situation.' -Chicago-based psychologist Dr. George Smith. He says men sometimes view women as property. 'They sometimes feel they've put down earnest money they are making the payments and even though the relationship is in foreclosure, they still claim ownership,' he says. Relationship experts suggest that you put your own jealousy and paranoia in check. First realize that it's often an 'inside job.'
Jealousy and paranoia are often rooted in a fear of abandonment or other issues, which may require long term therapy. And, finally, maintain your dignity by behaving with the utmost self-respect. If you have a problem with these emotions, it probably is not the first time, Elmore says. 'If you've been accused of this by two different people who don't know each other, perhaps its time that you consider that you are the problem and [you should] try to change. And change is always difficult.'"
{Ebony Magazine Article by Joy T. Bennett (November '08 Issue-page 148}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irBP5FnksKc
"It was one of the most humiliating and painful events of her life, but it wasn't the first time she was the victim of her husband's intense jealousy & paranoia. It was his family event, but because he had to work, the wife took their three sons to his parents' home for the barbeque. As she was standing talking to his brother, her husband arrived, walked up behind her, whirled her around and punched her in the face-- breaking her nose, splattering blood down the front of her cute summer outfit. He then accused her of sleeping with his brother.
Jealousy and paranoia are both 'rooted in fear', says Dr. Ronn Elmore, a relationship therapist, ordained minister and author. He says jealousy starts when 'our head starts talking to us, making us suspicious.' Paranoia kicks in when we are no longer questioning whether a suspicion is true. We've concluded that it's true and are considering aggressively acting on these suspicions.
'You can't let someone's insecurities become your shortcoming. Rejection coupled with anger and rage will become a very toxic situation.' -Chicago-based psychologist Dr. George Smith. He says men sometimes view women as property. 'They sometimes feel they've put down earnest money they are making the payments and even though the relationship is in foreclosure, they still claim ownership,' he says. Relationship experts suggest that you put your own jealousy and paranoia in check. First realize that it's often an 'inside job.'
Jealousy and paranoia are often rooted in a fear of abandonment or other issues, which may require long term therapy. And, finally, maintain your dignity by behaving with the utmost self-respect. If you have a problem with these emotions, it probably is not the first time, Elmore says. 'If you've been accused of this by two different people who don't know each other, perhaps its time that you consider that you are the problem and [you should] try to change. And change is always difficult.'"
{Ebony Magazine Article by Joy T. Bennett (November '08 Issue-page 148}
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
15 (Relationship) Detox Tips
15 (Relationship) Detox Tips from "Detoxify Yourself: 101 Tips to Remove the Poison from Your Body and Your Life"
Stop gossiping: Always thinking and spreading nasty thoughts about others brings your own mood and self-confidence down.
Have sex: Having sex can give you energy, help you sleep better, reduces cholesterol, reduces stress, increases the flow of oxygen to your brain, and can even be a natural pain reliever.
Close or increase privacy settings on your online dating profile: Online dating companies can be extremely beneficial to some individuals, but posting photos and information about yourself online can attract unsavory characters who badger you with inappropriate messages.
Volunteer: Increase your social circle by volunteering. Doing something for the good of others is also a selfless act that is good for your conscience.
Reconcile with family and friends: Don’t let a grudge or a fight with friends affect your conscience or your mood. Reconcile with estranged family members and friends to give your social life a detox.
Stay in: If you’re always going out with friends, take a night to yourself and stay in. You can give your mind and body a rest from all of the external stimulations and social pressures by relaxing at home.
Go out: On the other hand, if you’re always at home, try to go out every once in a while and be social with the community around you. Even if you aren’t out for an organized event with friends, opening yourself up to spending time with other human beings can help you feel more relaxed.
Learn to tune out: Tuning out gossipy friends, media messages and moody strangers will keep your mood elevated and your mind free from worry about everything going around you that you can’t control anyway.
Separate yourself from the pack: Don’t go along with everything everyone else is doing just because they say so. Separate yourself from the pack by doing what makes you feel right and the things that honors your life choices and long term goals.
Ignore "nasty people": The Random Hitz blog maintains that "nasty people drain productivity in the workplace," so try to tune out competitive co-workers, backstabbers and the office gossip to stay focused and keep your energy high.
Counseling: Talk to a counselor or psychologist regularly so that you can hear yourself work through your problems. Setting aside an hour each week also ensures that you make you time to address your feelings, instead of burying them until they manifest in an unhealthy way.
Be social: Getting out with friends or even going to a coffee shop will make you feel more connected to the community around you and can distract you from your own problems for a while.
Open up: Share your thoughts, goals and feelings with a friend or family member to purge yourself of anxiety, self-doubt, or any other negative emotions.
Cut back on communication: Don’t isolate yourself, but minimize the different communication platforms like Twitter, e-mail, Facebook and VoIP that you check each day to eliminate extra junk mail, distractions on welcome pages and useless messages.
Promiscuity: This bad habit increases your chances of catching an STD and feeling emotionally dragged down.
http://www.nursingschoolsearch.com/blog/2008/07/detoxify-yourself-101-tips-to-remove-the-poison-from-your-body-and-your-life/
Stop gossiping: Always thinking and spreading nasty thoughts about others brings your own mood and self-confidence down.
Have sex: Having sex can give you energy, help you sleep better, reduces cholesterol, reduces stress, increases the flow of oxygen to your brain, and can even be a natural pain reliever.
Close or increase privacy settings on your online dating profile: Online dating companies can be extremely beneficial to some individuals, but posting photos and information about yourself online can attract unsavory characters who badger you with inappropriate messages.
Volunteer: Increase your social circle by volunteering. Doing something for the good of others is also a selfless act that is good for your conscience.
Reconcile with family and friends: Don’t let a grudge or a fight with friends affect your conscience or your mood. Reconcile with estranged family members and friends to give your social life a detox.
Stay in: If you’re always going out with friends, take a night to yourself and stay in. You can give your mind and body a rest from all of the external stimulations and social pressures by relaxing at home.
Go out: On the other hand, if you’re always at home, try to go out every once in a while and be social with the community around you. Even if you aren’t out for an organized event with friends, opening yourself up to spending time with other human beings can help you feel more relaxed.
Learn to tune out: Tuning out gossipy friends, media messages and moody strangers will keep your mood elevated and your mind free from worry about everything going around you that you can’t control anyway.
Separate yourself from the pack: Don’t go along with everything everyone else is doing just because they say so. Separate yourself from the pack by doing what makes you feel right and the things that honors your life choices and long term goals.
Ignore "nasty people": The Random Hitz blog maintains that "nasty people drain productivity in the workplace," so try to tune out competitive co-workers, backstabbers and the office gossip to stay focused and keep your energy high.
Counseling: Talk to a counselor or psychologist regularly so that you can hear yourself work through your problems. Setting aside an hour each week also ensures that you make you time to address your feelings, instead of burying them until they manifest in an unhealthy way.
Be social: Getting out with friends or even going to a coffee shop will make you feel more connected to the community around you and can distract you from your own problems for a while.
Open up: Share your thoughts, goals and feelings with a friend or family member to purge yourself of anxiety, self-doubt, or any other negative emotions.
Cut back on communication: Don’t isolate yourself, but minimize the different communication platforms like Twitter, e-mail, Facebook and VoIP that you check each day to eliminate extra junk mail, distractions on welcome pages and useless messages.
Promiscuity: This bad habit increases your chances of catching an STD and feeling emotionally dragged down.
http://www.nursingschoolsearch.com/blog/2008/07/detoxify-yourself-101-tips-to-remove-the-poison-from-your-body-and-your-life/
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Sex Before Marriage...?
Fitting rooms exist to try on clothes before you buy them. You definitely should try on shoes before buying them (and for women, it’s advisable to try them on at the end of the day when their feet are most swollen). You should see pictures of a contractors work, get a friend or family members opinion or visit previous job sites before contracting them to do work for you. Some of you may have appetizers to taste the chef’s food before ordering the main course. Before purchasing or reading a book, we may read an excerpt, the back of the book or a review. Companies usually go through a test phase before implementing a new system. Most stores give you a thirty-day trial period for clothing, electronics, and other material items before deciding whether or not we would like to return the item(s). Most people usually test drive a car before just signing on the dotted line and purchasing or leasing a new or used vehicle. Some schools even allow potential students to audit a class before paying for and signing up for an entire semester.
All of these scenarios are examples where we TEST something before we COMMIT. Our society is almost accustomed to being able to try something out before investing money, time, effort, etc. When comparing this to our intimate lives, it is usually the same deal. We date numerous individuals before we consider someone our boyfriend/girlfriend. We then have a steady (usually monogamous) relationship before we become engaged and consider our significant other our Fiancé. Then that usually happens for a while before we progress into married life. The “trial period” is then officially over (although some people still consider it a trial).
In one episode of Sex and the City (Season 3), Charlotte waited almost an entire year (actually up until the day before her wedding) before trying her future husband out in bed. That is where she realized he couldn’t get it up! After making ALL of the wedding arrangements and paying A LOT of money to prepare for one of her most important days, she had to re-consider whether or not spending her life with someone she could not enjoy sex with was really a good idea. As sex is considered a decent slice of the pie when thinking about the major components of our lives, wouldn’t you want to make sure you actually enjoy sex with the person you are committing the rest of your life to?
In this day and age, if trying before buying is acceptable and even recommended, then Sex before Marriage, makes logical sense too, right? Or wrong? Thoughts?? Also, if you could go back in time, would you change anything about when you started having sex?
All of these scenarios are examples where we TEST something before we COMMIT. Our society is almost accustomed to being able to try something out before investing money, time, effort, etc. When comparing this to our intimate lives, it is usually the same deal. We date numerous individuals before we consider someone our boyfriend/girlfriend. We then have a steady (usually monogamous) relationship before we become engaged and consider our significant other our Fiancé. Then that usually happens for a while before we progress into married life. The “trial period” is then officially over (although some people still consider it a trial).
In one episode of Sex and the City (Season 3), Charlotte waited almost an entire year (actually up until the day before her wedding) before trying her future husband out in bed. That is where she realized he couldn’t get it up! After making ALL of the wedding arrangements and paying A LOT of money to prepare for one of her most important days, she had to re-consider whether or not spending her life with someone she could not enjoy sex with was really a good idea. As sex is considered a decent slice of the pie when thinking about the major components of our lives, wouldn’t you want to make sure you actually enjoy sex with the person you are committing the rest of your life to?
In this day and age, if trying before buying is acceptable and even recommended, then Sex before Marriage, makes logical sense too, right? Or wrong? Thoughts?? Also, if you could go back in time, would you change anything about when you started having sex?
Friday, December 5, 2008
Falling in love with Potential
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been the victim of my own optimism" -Elizabeth Gilbert
{"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 285}
This is deep! (Ladies), I must repeat, THIS IS DEEP!!! Do we as human (women) sometimes become blind-sighted by POTENTIAL? At times we may think, “Wow, this person is perfect…almost. If only, this, that and the other thing could be changed (just a little bit), then WE could live happily ever after!!!” Well guess what?!?!? People are very difficult to change! Point blank. I could stop writing here, but you know I have plenty more to say! So…people DO NOT change, UNLESS they WANT to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone live up to the potential you envision them having. They must see how much better their lives are going to be if they changed, but you, my dear, will not change a person.
A great show to watch is “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!” This remarkable Off-Broadway show "celebrates the modern-day suburban mating game" (http://www.loveperfectchange.com/). It shows us how we as humans become infatuated with the significant other in our lives, but after some time, may we want them to change. Why? I guess it’s just human nature to want things our way at all times.
Elizabeth (above) states that not only does she fall in love with someone’s potential, but then it takes forever to get over this person if they end up breaking up. It’s difficult letting your love go, or even trying to force it to subside. But as they say…time heals (most).
At the end of the day, we must realize that falling in love with someone may need to happen when we understand that we are imperfect AND when we are ready to accept another imperfect human being with ALL their flaws/idiosyncrasies/vices/etc. You should try to tone down your high floating, blissful optimism and come back to earth where the laws of reality should state that people change on their own accord...not on your time line.
Ouchie! The truth hurts :-/
{"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - Page 285}
This is deep! (Ladies), I must repeat, THIS IS DEEP!!! Do we as human (women) sometimes become blind-sighted by POTENTIAL? At times we may think, “Wow, this person is perfect…almost. If only, this, that and the other thing could be changed (just a little bit), then WE could live happily ever after!!!” Well guess what?!?!? People are very difficult to change! Point blank. I could stop writing here, but you know I have plenty more to say! So…people DO NOT change, UNLESS they WANT to change. There is nothing you can do or say to make someone live up to the potential you envision them having. They must see how much better their lives are going to be if they changed, but you, my dear, will not change a person.
A great show to watch is “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!” This remarkable Off-Broadway show "celebrates the modern-day suburban mating game" (http://www.loveperfectchange.com/). It shows us how we as humans become infatuated with the significant other in our lives, but after some time, may we want them to change. Why? I guess it’s just human nature to want things our way at all times.
Elizabeth (above) states that not only does she fall in love with someone’s potential, but then it takes forever to get over this person if they end up breaking up. It’s difficult letting your love go, or even trying to force it to subside. But as they say…time heals (most).
At the end of the day, we must realize that falling in love with someone may need to happen when we understand that we are imperfect AND when we are ready to accept another imperfect human being with ALL their flaws/idiosyncrasies/vices/etc. You should try to tone down your high floating, blissful optimism and come back to earth where the laws of reality should state that people change on their own accord...not on your time line.
Ouchie! The truth hurts :-/
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
8 Signs Your Relationship Is in Jeopardy
When things are going right between you and your partner, you can feel it. You're happy when you are together; you support each other; you think and talk about each other (in positive ways) when you're not together.
And when things aren't going well, you can feel that, too. Here are eight signs that your relationship may be in jeopardy.
1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.
2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.
3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.
4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.
5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.
6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.
7. One of you isn't feeling supported.
8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.
1. Your partner appears terrified every time the "Where are we headed?" talk comes up.It's a fair request to ask for some clarity about where the relationship is going. You don't want to put too much pressure on the other person, but there is nothing wrong with trying to get a sense of where things stand. If your partner freaks out and gets defensive whenever you bring up the subject, then he or she may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. That's not necessarily a problem, especially early in your time together. But if you two have been together for a good long while and your partner still doesn't want to even discuss the status of your relationship, then that's a definite sign that your relationship is in jeopardy
2. One of you constantly demands to be the center of the relationship.Ideally, a relationship is made up of two individuals who work to achieve a balance. On the one hand, they each want to make sure that their individual needs are being met. On the other hand, they want to make sacrifices for their partner and compromise, even when it goes against their own desires. If your partner is demanding too much attention, ordering you around, and insisting on having his or her way every time a disagreement arises, then that's a problem. You two are probably going to have a hard time building the kind of respectful relationship that allows for maximum personal and relational growth if one of you refuses to compromise and sacrifice.
3. The focus is on what's wrong rather than right.When you two talk about how things are going between you, do you seem to always end up trying to address problems? If so, your relationship might be in trouble. This isn't to say that you shouldn't address relational obstacles. Even the healthiest relationships face conflict and struggle from time to time. And, of course, you two should try to resolve whatever difficulties you face together. But if it seems that all you ever do when you talk about your relationship is solve problems and overcome difficulties, as opposed to enjoying each other's company and laughing together, then something may not be quite right between you.
4. Conflict has made itself a permanent part of your relationship.Again, there's nothing wrong with arguing. All couples do. And conflict, when it's handled in a way that is respectful, can actually be good for a relationship. But if you feel that all you and your partner do is argue, that's a problem. A healthy relationship is full of laughter, gratitude, kindness, and respect. If conflict is crowding out all these elements and leaving you with nothing but constant squabbling, then it's going to be tough to build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
5. One of you deals with frequent jealousy.There has to be a high level of trust for any relationship to work. Both people need to know that when they aren't together, they don't have to worry about what the other person is up to. If you find yourself always wondering if your partner is being true, then that will be a huge hurdle for your relationship to overcome. Likewise, if your partner refuses to trust you even though you have given him or her no reason to doubt you, that's another sign that the relationship isn't headed in a promising direction.
6. One of you is feeling less and less invested in spending time together.There are going to be times when one of you legitimately has to spend extra time at work or on some other type of project. And there will be times when you'll spend time with other friends and your family. But if an ongoing pattern emerges where your significant other is repeatedly choosing to spend more time with his or her friends than with you, or to put in more time than necessary at work, it could be a warning sign. When all kinds of distractions continually pull your partner away, there's a good chance that those distractions have become more important in your partner's mind than you are.
7. One of you isn't feeling supported. Constant (or even frequent) criticism is one of the most obvious signs that a relationship is in trouble. It can really wear you down to hear over and over again that you should dress differently, avoid making a certain type of joke, or act a certain way when you're with a certain group of friends. And it's just as hard on a relationship. Constant criticism is often a sign of underlying anger or insecurity-neither of which makes a relationship work well. If you continually harp on the negative characteristics of each other, leaving out all the positive qualities you each possess, then it's going to be hard for the relationship to succeed.
8. Your emotional needs aren't being met.We all have certain desires and expectations for how we expect to be treated by the people we care about. And some of those desires and expectations are actual needs. In other words, we can't survive and thrive as individuals if those needs aren't met. So if one or both of you is failing to have your most basic emotional needs addressed by the connection you share, then that's a definite sign that your relationship may be in jeopardy.
If two or three of the items in this list apply to you and your partner, there may not be anything to really worry about it. You should still explore that facet of your relationship and see if you can strengthen the bond you share. But as noted before, even the best relationships struggle from time to time.
However, if you read through the eight signs listed in this article and found yourself relating to these issues much more than you'd like, then this is a good time to give some serious thought to the question of whether this a relationship into which you want to invest so much of your time, mind, and heart.
Posted Nov 14th 2008 3:31PM
by eHarmony Advice
http://www.personals.aol.com/articles/2008/11/14/8-signs-your-relationship-is-in-jeopardy/
Balance
"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." -Wayan
{Pages 298 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}
{Pages 298 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Is Sex Ever Safe?
"Odd how only when our physical life is at risk, do we follow certain guidelines to protect ourselves. But what about our emotional lives? Wouldn't it be nice if there was a little pamphlet to warn us what unsafe behavior might be high risk to ourselves or our relationships? And even if you take all the precautions and emotionally try to protect yourself, when you crawl in bed with someone is sex ever safe?" -Carrie Bradshaw {Sex and The City, Season 3, Episode 41}
So...you ended a relationship and both you and your ex have moved on. Time passes, and maybe one of you got married to someone else or you are just both in other relationships. When you finally see one another (maybe you bump into one another on the street, drive up next to one another at a stoplight, whatever the encounter may be), you both get that funny feeling in your stomach you always used to get in the beginning of your relationship. Your heart starts beating triple time, your palms get sweaty, the butterflies are flying rampant in our tightly woven intestines. And with the slight lift of one eyebrow, you think: "What is the harm in rekindling an old flame. We've already slept with one another so it doesn't count if we do it again, right?"
In the Sex and The City episode described above, Carrie was sleeping with her Ex, Mr. Big, while she was dating someone and while he was married to a young lady named Natasha. The butterflies were so strong that they could not hold back and they went at it, again, and again, and again. They would meet in random hotels in the city, at odd hours, for a quickie here or there, but in the end, they were both still cheating on their significant others (whether they had been with one another before the new people came in the picture). Also, something inside of Carrie knew that Mr. Big was not going to commit to her, especially because he could have his cake and eat it too. Hate to ruin it for you, but at the end of this Episode Carrie and Mr. Big meet again. This time in his house. They make love on the bed he usually sleeps with his wife in. His wife comes home early from a trip and finds Carrie trying to exit her once happy home. This, similar to most infidelity stricken relationships, did not end on a good note. FOUR people were extremely hurt by Carrie and Big's selfish behavior.
Although Carrie may not have been being physically hurt by this experience with Mr. Big, her emotions where on a roller coaster ride that would soon come crashing down. So, why do we put ourselves in these types of situations? Why do we continue to get into toxic relationships when we know that we are headed full-steam down a dead-end street? Why do we look both ways when we are crossing the street, yet we don't truly analyze how our actions in certain relationships will affect us or others emotionally? As Carrie asked above, even if we had a huge rule book on relationships and emotions, are we ever truly safe when dealing with intimacy, love, sex or any matters of the heart?
Moral of the story: think before you act.
Ne-Yo's "It Just Ain't Right" video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yswCOR76GCM
So...you ended a relationship and both you and your ex have moved on. Time passes, and maybe one of you got married to someone else or you are just both in other relationships. When you finally see one another (maybe you bump into one another on the street, drive up next to one another at a stoplight, whatever the encounter may be), you both get that funny feeling in your stomach you always used to get in the beginning of your relationship. Your heart starts beating triple time, your palms get sweaty, the butterflies are flying rampant in our tightly woven intestines. And with the slight lift of one eyebrow, you think: "What is the harm in rekindling an old flame. We've already slept with one another so it doesn't count if we do it again, right?"
In the Sex and The City episode described above, Carrie was sleeping with her Ex, Mr. Big, while she was dating someone and while he was married to a young lady named Natasha. The butterflies were so strong that they could not hold back and they went at it, again, and again, and again. They would meet in random hotels in the city, at odd hours, for a quickie here or there, but in the end, they were both still cheating on their significant others (whether they had been with one another before the new people came in the picture). Also, something inside of Carrie knew that Mr. Big was not going to commit to her, especially because he could have his cake and eat it too. Hate to ruin it for you, but at the end of this Episode Carrie and Mr. Big meet again. This time in his house. They make love on the bed he usually sleeps with his wife in. His wife comes home early from a trip and finds Carrie trying to exit her once happy home. This, similar to most infidelity stricken relationships, did not end on a good note. FOUR people were extremely hurt by Carrie and Big's selfish behavior.
Although Carrie may not have been being physically hurt by this experience with Mr. Big, her emotions where on a roller coaster ride that would soon come crashing down. So, why do we put ourselves in these types of situations? Why do we continue to get into toxic relationships when we know that we are headed full-steam down a dead-end street? Why do we look both ways when we are crossing the street, yet we don't truly analyze how our actions in certain relationships will affect us or others emotionally? As Carrie asked above, even if we had a huge rule book on relationships and emotions, are we ever truly safe when dealing with intimacy, love, sex or any matters of the heart?
Moral of the story: think before you act.
Ne-Yo's "It Just Ain't Right" video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yswCOR76GCM
So many questions?!
In olden days (although this does still exist in some cultures), fathers would sit with their daughters’ suitors and ask questions such as:
(1) How will you provide for my daughter?
(2) What is your reputation in this community?
(3) How is your health?
(4) Where will you take her to live?
(5) What are your debts and your assets?
(6) What are the strengths of your character?
Although now-a-days our parents are not prone to ask these sorts of questions, these are still very relevant questions we may want to discuss with a potential life partner. It's no longer only about falling in love and living happily ever after (was it ever?). There are some funny/satirical (although true) freecreditreport.com commercials about getting your credit straight before getting married. Health is huge in today's society with all of the sexually transmitted diseases, let alone all of the health problems that can come about later in life (due to family history) and/or that you can pass on to your children. What religious beliefs (if any) do you want to live by/raise your children by? Where will you and your new family live? Do you mind if your partner spends time with their family members (you’d be surprised how many relationships are shattered due to family ties)? What moral/values do you both live by? It’s important to get a lot of things out on the table before taking the plunge because although our personalities evolve/change/grow with time, the discussions should be taken care of up front. Decide what you can and cannot live with and then move on from there. Communicate!
(1) How will you provide for my daughter?
(2) What is your reputation in this community?
(3) How is your health?
(4) Where will you take her to live?
(5) What are your debts and your assets?
(6) What are the strengths of your character?
Although now-a-days our parents are not prone to ask these sorts of questions, these are still very relevant questions we may want to discuss with a potential life partner. It's no longer only about falling in love and living happily ever after (was it ever?). There are some funny/satirical (although true) freecreditreport.com commercials about getting your credit straight before getting married. Health is huge in today's society with all of the sexually transmitted diseases, let alone all of the health problems that can come about later in life (due to family history) and/or that you can pass on to your children. What religious beliefs (if any) do you want to live by/raise your children by? Where will you and your new family live? Do you mind if your partner spends time with their family members (you’d be surprised how many relationships are shattered due to family ties)? What moral/values do you both live by? It’s important to get a lot of things out on the table before taking the plunge because although our personalities evolve/change/grow with time, the discussions should be taken care of up front. Decide what you can and cannot live with and then move on from there. Communicate!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Is Love Always Complicated?
"I was more confident about sex and romance when I was sixteen than I am now" -Elizabeth Gilbert
"Of course you were. You were young and stupid then. Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance. Do you think any of us know what we're doing? Do you think there's any way humans can love each other without complication? You should see how it happens in Bali, darling. All these Western men come here after they've made a mess of their lives back home, and they decide they've had it with Western women, and they go marry some tiny, sweet, obedient little Balinese teenage girl. I know what they’re thinking. They think this pretty little girl will make them happy, make their lives easy. But whenever I see it happen, I always want to say the same thing. Good luck. Because you still have a women in front of you, my friend. And you're still a man. It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Felipe the Brazilian
{Pages 276-277 - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert}
This excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” poses a great question: Is love always complicated? Jazmin Sullivan’s song Lions and Tigers also discusses loves complications by saying things such as, “Just ‘cause I love u and u love me, it doesn't mean that that we're meant to be” and “Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?.” It is true that when you merge two human beings, two human lives, different backgrounds, ways of thinking, morals, values, etc. things are difficult, but is it impossible? With the divorce rate as high as it is and the infidelity rate sky rocketing in this day and age, will relationships become obsolete in the near future? Is it just too complicated to even try?
Felipe (above) said that we must still try to love one another because having a broken heart means that you have tried for something. I agree with Felipe in that even though love can hurt at times, we must work towards making relationships work. As hard as it may be, it’s nice to have someone by your side, someone to grow old with, share special moments with, EXPERIENCE LIFE WITH.
I say, let the complications live on. I say LET LOVE LIVE on.
Jazmine Sullivan’s "Lions & Tigers":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7kBIGx6a9g
[Chorus]
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh my]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks an impossible task?
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?
[Verse]
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we're meant to be,
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!
[Chorus]
[Verse]
Most circumstances I know my fate
But in this love thing I don't get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend?
Just cause I love u and u love me,
It doesn't mean that that we'll ever be,
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen,
But the most frightening thing is you & me!
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
I'm not sure no, I'm not sure
But if we never try we'll never know
It's better to have loved than not to love at all
But trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if what we do?
I'd rather it be with you
Cause at least there will be
Sweet memories
[Chorus]
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